kevin

I always thought Cinephile discussion club was a ridiculous name for it. I mean who talks about "cinema" any more - none of my crew I'll tell you that for nothing. Hopeless. When I first came here, Bernard was on his todd trying to host a discussion on Three Colours Blue, White, Purple whatever. He's was blimin' hopeless, women were talking over him, some mature students were shouting abuse at each other, it was right state of affairs. So I walked to the back of the room. Turned the lights off. And put on Red Sonja with Bridget Nielson! Well, some of them went quiet and then, all of a sudden, everyone was laughing. They bloody loved it. And after an hour of poncy talk about feminism and "male gays" or something the club was proper established. Bernard was relieved and he got me to do the clips from then on. But he soon forget about how I saved his neck. I've been there 8 months now, showing his ludicrously ponced up films. And what thanks do I get? I get dog's abuse behind the scenes. Behind closed doors he isn't all Open University any more. He hit me round the head once when I was supposed to cue up a clip from "The 3 Burials of Melquiades Estrada" and I accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook. I mean what's the problem, even people who read Sight and Sound would rather see Kelly Brooks boobies over Tommie Lee Jones dragging a corpse around the desert. Bernard doesn't get it. And he doesn't get me either. He laughs at my dvd collection and says I know nothing about film. Me! I tell you this, I may come across as the quiet type but while he was jerking off to Howard's End and Shadow "bloody" lands, I was on guerilla film maker courses! Yes, Dov Simons, Raindance, the lot. And when he says "Don't make me laugh, you work in Insurance," he's dissing the time I spent working on a REAL film set with - and this is no word of a sodding lie - Dolph Lungren! The time I had with those Bulgarians and my walkie talkie is still an inspiration to me today. That's why I'm going have the last laugh. I've got some actors. And a shooting script! I got Erwin Brekenmeyer to Cinewankers club. That's right, THE Erwin Brekenmeyer who directed Samurai Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney! I have every one of his dvds, alphabetised and cross referenced for all the kick ass sequences. And when the time is right. When Bernard has bored Erwin to death with his namby pampy artistic shite questions, I'm going step in and make my pitch. Yeah I have some surprises in store for our Bernard, I have done my homework on our guest and with my clips and my talent: Kevin Spottesby is about to appear on the map!