kevin
OHP slide with "Lars von Trier: An Evening with Genius" CINEPHILE DISCUSSION CLUB
Kevin - unassuming in an anorak..
Evenin’
My name is Kevin. Kevin Spottesby. This is my night.
Firstly sorry to anyone expecting a normal cinephile discussion club. I thought we’d do something different. You see I always thought Cinephile discussion club was a ridiculous name for it. I mean who talks about "cinema" any more - and philia? that's just fucking wrong. Man. None of my crew I'll tell you that for nothing. Hopeless. When I first came here, Bernard was on his todd trying to host a discussion on Three Colours Blue, White, Purple whatever. Sorry. Bernard normally would be here. His was blimin' hopeless, women were talking over him, some mature students were shouting abuse at each other, it was right state. So I walked to the back of the room. Turned the lights off, and put on Red Sonja with Bridget Nielson! Well, some of them went quiet and then, all of a sudden everyone was laughing. They bloody loved it. And after an hour of poncy talk about feminism and role playing or something the club was properly up and running. I’ve been doing the clips ever since. Bernard thinks he's boss, choosing topics, always arthouse, always deadly serious but sometimes I screw him up. When I was supposed to cue up a clip from "The 3 Burials of Melquiades Estrada" and I *ahem* accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook. I mean what's the issue? Even if you read Sight and Sound, what would you rather see: Kelly Brook getting baps out in the water, or Tommie Lee Jones dragging a corpse around the desert? Don't make me laugh.
So tonight? I may come across as the quiet type. A nerd even. But while Bernard was jerking off to Howard's End and Steel Magnolia, I was on guerilla film maker course. I've actually done seven of them. He mocks me. Says what do I know, I work in insurance and edit clips in my spare time. Well I'm here to tell you that is going to change. You came here to Cinephile club to talk about that Danish ponce who spent two hours deciding whether to hang Bjork in that Abba musical. Never mind all that shite, for the first time in this club's so called history you will see an actual filmmaker tonight!. Yes, the man who directed Samural Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney will be right here, and Bernard is going to talk to him.
So take that piece of paper about Lars von Trier and this is what you can do with them. [rips it up]
Tonight we’re talking about real films with a proper shooter.
[POINTS HIS REMOTE CONTROL AT THE DVD/PROJECTOR UNIT AND CUES UP THE CURRENT SLIDE DISSOLVES LEAVING A 5 SECOND ACTION SCENE WITH FRANK ZAGARINO AND A HUGE EXPLOSION]
Bernard enters quickly eyes up the audience before confronting Kevin– [sotto supposedly so the audience can't hear]
Kevin, what the hell do you think you’re doing?
OHP slide with "Lars von Trier: An Evening with Genius" CINEPHILE DISCUSSION CLUB
Kevin - unassuming in an anorak..
Evenin’
My name is Kevin. Kevin Spottesby. This is my night.
Firstly sorry to anyone expecting a normal cinephile discussion club. I thought we’d do something different. You see I always thought Cinephile discussion club was a ridiculous name for it. I mean who talks about "cinema" any more - and philia? that's just fucking wrong. Man. None of my crew I'll tell you that for nothing. Hopeless. When I first came here, Bernard was on his todd trying to host a discussion on Three Colours Blue, White, Purple whatever. Sorry. Bernard normally would be here. His was blimin' hopeless, women were talking over him, some mature students were shouting abuse at each other, it was right state. So I walked to the back of the room. Turned the lights off, and put on Red Sonja with Bridget Nielson! Well, some of them went quiet and then, all of a sudden everyone was laughing. They bloody loved it. And after an hour of poncy talk about feminism and role playing or something the club was properly up and running. I’ve been doing the clips ever since. Bernard thinks he's boss, choosing topics, always arthouse, always deadly serious but sometimes I screw him up. When I was supposed to cue up a clip from "The 3 Burials of Melquiades Estrada" and I *ahem* accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook. I mean what's the issue? Even if you read Sight and Sound, what would you rather see: Kelly Brook getting baps out in the water, or Tommie Lee Jones dragging a corpse around the desert? Don't make me laugh.
So tonight? I may come across as the quiet type. A nerd even. But while Bernard was jerking off to Howard's End and Steel Magnolia, I was on guerilla film maker course. I've actually done seven of them. He mocks me. Says what do I know, I work in insurance and edit clips in my spare time. Well I'm here to tell you that is going to change. You came here to Cinephile club to talk about that Danish ponce who spent two hours deciding whether to hang Bjork in that Abba musical. Never mind all that shite, for the first time in this club's so called history you will see an actual filmmaker tonight!. Yes, the man who directed Samural Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney will be right here, and Bernard is going to talk to him.
So take that piece of paper about Lars von Trier and this is what you can do with them. [rips it up]
Tonight we’re talking about real films with a proper shooter.
[POINTS HIS REMOTE CONTROL AT THE DVD/PROJECTOR UNIT AND CUES UP THE CURRENT SLIDE DISSOLVES LEAVING A 5 SECOND ACTION SCENE WITH FRANK ZAGARINO AND A HUGE EXPLOSION]
Bernard enters quickly eyes up the audience before confronting Kevin– [sotto supposedly so the audience can't hear]
Kevin, what the hell do you think you’re doing?
posted by Mike at 2:05 AM
2 Comments:
Like it, like it, like it!
I do think we take away a couble of beats from it to add a bit of mystery to proceedings and also that some of my original bits are not quite there yet but i think we may have an opening
Saved for later maybe:
And when he says "Don't make me laugh, you work in Insurance," he's dissing the time I spent working on a REAL film set with - and this is no word of a sodding lie - Dolph Lungren! The time I had with those Bulgarians and my walkie talkie is still an inspiration to me today. That's why I'm going have the last laugh. I've got some actors. And a shooting script! I got Erwin Brekenmeyer to Cinewankers club. That's right, THE Erwin Brekenmeyer who directed Samurai Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney!
Post a Comment
<< Home