act two

backstage

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. Instead of intelligent debate we're talking to this absurd man about his endless re-imaginatings of Rambo.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film Club! No one. We've probably emptied the place already, and I don't blame them. Yes, next month this slot will taken over by basket-weaving, or Gav's Creosote workshop, or whatever else they can find-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen, and besides you're not understanding what Erwin is-

Bernard- look up BULLSHIT ARTIST in the dictionary, Kevin!

Kevin- No, he's our meal ticket. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What do you mean?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits. Guess what he was saying to Daisy just a minute ago?

B- shrugs

K- He thinks you're talented, savvy or something like that, and he bet her you could put your film smarts into one of his projects.

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, why do think he gave me this business card for you?

B- I, I,

K- Listen, this is your night, you run the show, and I respect you for it. But otherwise, what's going on with your career? Writing sales pitches for stuff you don't give a toss about. Where are your bollocks mate? Do something!!!Life's not a rehearsal blah blah but seriously, what's it going to be, Bernard, more selling for other people or are you FINALLY going sell something of your own, produce a thing and, for chrisake maybe even get laid in the process?

B- half heartedly Erwin's got to you with all his gratuitous breasts-

K- No, you we can do something here tonight, you and I, you do your thing, I'll do mine. Or, maybe you want to go out there and tell EB, Daisy, Cordelia - who I think has a crush on you by the way - and our audience that you. Can't. Hack it?

B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Indulge Erwin when we go back out. Really let him go to town so that he's ready for a few little things I've been working on. Coz deep down I know he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren.

B- Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and find out what he is doing next.