SCENE TWO ???

End of bad dialogue clip

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.

E- Too right Bernaaard. There IS nothing like it. Rock and fucking roll

B- Quite.

E – So what would you like to ask me you old mucker you?

B – I thought we could – if we may – start with a discussion – in the widest sense - of your genre?

E- -I don't do French. Once had a date take me to watch Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during that movie. If you pass water more than once at a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just the smoke and mirrors of action. There’s a thing called ‘truth’ What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures. What of the beauty of the human condition?

E- Exactly. What of them?

B- (meekly) You're not really getting this are you?

pause

Let me put it this way - don't you ever get fed up of just blowing things up.

E- Just blowing things up!!! My god bernarrd – were you not watching. Sure, my flicks are pure adrenaline, but there is so much more to them! Anyone can blow shit up, but I, Erwin J Breckenheimer do it in a way that touches people right here. (he touches his chest)

B- So – art is important to you.?

E- Absolutely. You see I understand that between random violence and total mayhem you need a bit of – what would you call it – poetry. You see I don't do gratuitous, I do light and shade, so every breast and every explosion has be justified by character. That’s why I write all my own scripts.

B - I didn't realise.

E - Right. I compose it all. Well I control it all – I don’t actually do much writing these days. But I’m in command. Writers are ok but I have to re-do it with my own spin to get it just perfect, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting and stepping centre stage Ahem.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my.... raises his beer bottle

At the side

K - Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect. Now seems like the right time.

B - I read your note.

K- It's all right, Cordelia is going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get to understand how he works, now get back to it, for Chrissake.

B- I.You. Kevin S.. this is a truly dreadful idea, but....ok. We'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we, well Kevin, have a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress – Cordelia from the drama society – to join us and give us a rendition from one of your scripts, then maybe you can talk us through your process as a film maker. We'd be seeing your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheimer, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise. Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We used to be inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you; it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. And after those brutes found where you had hidden your sweetheart, the mother of your children, you were devastated, so for me to bring you back from the brink was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Total dreck. I'm embrassed for you. (beat) Honey you didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweekcakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In this scene you need to seg-way from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds flat. You gotta nail it. slaps fist into palm of his hand for emphasis

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things to show you?.

Long beat

Bernard - Thank you Cordelia. Right. Erwin I think we’ll push on now.Cordelia looks awkward Cordelia, I think Kevin might need some help with his – erm – things.

Cordelia - it’s just..

Bernard – Like a teacher Cordelia

Cordelia – but

Bernard. Help. Kevin. Please.

Cordelia stifling back a tear Ok.

Cordelia runs to the back of the stage

Bernaard – So Erwin

Erwin – Bernard – Stage whisper are you banging her? I bet you are you old dog you.

Bernaard – No, Who do you –

Erwin interrupting But she’s an actress Bernard…get with the programme. Hang on. Out to the auditorium Daisy? Excuse me Bernard. Daisy. Daisy you out there honey?

Daisy – whiny voice from the audience …Sure I'm here Erwin baby..

Erwin - Daisy – you’re an actress. Should Bernard bang cordy pants?

Bernard – Oh my god..

Daisy – you’re a cute guy Bernard. Shifting to cordelia Cor-deee-lieee-aa my poppet - sugar - you could do worse darlin' no offence but you know you could liven the look up a little - black - yawwwn..

Erwin – come up here Daisy - is that alright Bernard. Rest easy – we’re only having a laugh (beat) But you should think about it.

Flustered Bernard chooses to ignore Erwin who Daisy perches next to

Bernard - So erm Daisy tell us about yourself.

Erwin – Bernaard. This is Daisy Spears. She’s the the greatest Bernarrd…Kevin have we got a clip of Daisy?

Kevin – I think so, but I -

Erwin – Stick it on Kev

Kevin – It’s just I’m not sure -

Erwin – I’m sure people would love it..

Kevin – I don’t really

Erwin – play it

Kevin – Bernard? I really think we need to

Erwin – Play the goddamn clip Kevin

Bernard – Play it. What could possibly go wrong?

We see a minute of erotic drama

Bernard - interrupting Erm. Sorry to interrupt. I’m not sure we need to see that. Besides Daisy, I couldn't help noticing: that er, that wasn't you.
Daisy - Sure. Never heard of a body double.
Bernard - but -
Daisy - Erwin said It was better that way. With her being my body double. For the sex. And the stunt scenes. And the scenes when I was talking to other people and stuff.
Bernard - Daisy? Are you actually in the film?
Erwin Interjecting The thing you have to remember was I am twice Daisy's age and she was having sex with me during the production.
Bernard - You told her she was in the movie.
Erwin -And she is.
Daisy - In spirit. Ain't that right Erwin baby?
Bernard - You people are incredible
Daisy and Erwin - Thanks bernaard.
Erwin - you're kinda cool too. I'm having a good time. I love London. You're all great. And what with Daisy here it's turning itno quite a night. So what did you want to ask about next?
Bernard - well I suppose it would be remiss of me not to mention the women who are actually in your movies.
Erwin - Gorgeous aren't they. I've used more silicone than silicone valley.
Bernard - that's what I'm talking about - you do tend to objectify the actresses in your movies.
Erwin - and?
Bernard - I want to talk to you about Misogeny
Erwin - Never worked with her. Wasn't she boning Jacky Chan in the 80's?
Bernard - No Erwin, I talking about misogeny; sexism?
Erwin - Sexism?
Bernard - your roles for women aren't -
Erwin - Let me tell you abo -
Bernard - [forceful]no...no...NO....Erwin .....let me finish my question: the characterisation in your movies isn't exactly empowering for women?
Erwin - They're powerful.They are fully weaponised; guns, grenades, ammo belts. What do you mean?

Bernard - Let me ask you this. Do you like your female characters?

Erwin - (stroking daisy's knee who is listening patiently) I love them. My camera makes love to them (he catches cordelia's eye who is flustered - Erwin is quite good looking in a rough diamond way - but no she can't flirt!! - not with his type!!)

Bernard - Not exactly the point I was making. How else can i put this?

Erwin - No no. I get it. I've had this before. Somehow because I make films for guys I'm anti-women, old fashioned dated, a sexist pig. Am I right? That's what you're all thinking? Look at your pretty little faces. But you're wrong see. Even though I'm in the biz, hey blowjobs in the trailer fahgeddaboutit-we've all been there, its almost a union thing, but even so you've misjudged me. I admire women. I 'get' you. Don't think just because I hang out with air headed blondes I'm somehow can't accept intelligent powerful women. Hell I even married a couple of them. Ok those pair of meshiganas can rot in hell with the two houses they screwed out of me - Sorry- but you know I'm not insensitive. Ladies. I can be sweet. I watch Kate Winslet movies,
I take my spaniels for walks on the beach. If am naked will you not give me shelter. I want to be loved and not just in the action genre. That's all I want.

Bernard - I'm sure

Erwin - So I get angry when I'm accused of sexism. Angry you hear! But you know what I do with my anger. The rage? With the pain? Do you? Do you think I shout and scream? Do you think I spout my mouth off? No way Shirley. I channel my anger. Channel it. I focus. I pull the negative energy kicking and screaming into my art. I take it all and I make it live! Live as cinematic magic. That's how Erwin sorts out his beefs - oh yes - So what did I do in the 70's? When sexism was all the rage? Everything was Anti-fucking-woman? Yaa-di-daa. I didn't go on a march. I didn't burn any bras. Go on any marches. Christ no. Not me baby.: I sat down and pondered, considered. Listened. Yeah I listened and I put everything into a script. I moulded a narrative that expressed everything I felt about women, and that showed - right up there on the screen - what women can do in our society, in our times. A movie that - hey - maybe even today we might learn something from. Kevin?

Terminator Woman

Bernard – Kevin can I have a quick word. Kevin this is the worse night of my life. All I want to do is get through this without killing anyone.

There is a scream off and the screen to the side of the stage bursts open as a Ninja flies like a striking cobra through it. Stage left someone has set up two blocks with a piece of balsa wood suspended between them. The ninja sprints up the block before landing a shattering blow. He then goes through a couple of fearsome Karate moves with a side-splitting scream.

Bernard- KEVIN…

Kevin. entering casually Hi Bolo. You made it. To bernard you remember Bolo from the Modern Buddism in practice class. I thought I'd invite him along. Erwin likes ninjas.

Bernard - Bolo, welcome. take a seat, the more the merrier, thanks so much for the demonstration – perhaps next time you’d like to actually MAIM someone perhaps rip out their beating heart from their chests, AND Erwin as we have checked the gratutious violence box, maybe you’d like to have sex, Cordelia let’s see your breasts. Why not! We seem to be strangers to decency..

Kevin – chastising Bernard

Bernard You’re right kevin. I know relax, rock and fucking roll, On with the show. Ladies and Gentlemen despite admitting an homicidal maniac to the stage we are on track to take questions from the floor in few minutes. Sorry about everything, and once again, I'd like to apoligize to anyone who was expecting a Lars Von Trier discussion-

E- Don't apologise man, I think we're all having a good time!

C- Well, quite, Let's hope so. Now Erwin, Kevin has given me some of the reviews your films have garnered with me. Ahem "A tawdry pornographer with the style of Liberace at a car boot sale," ? "We've seen styro-foam cups with more charisma thank Frank Zagarino, he performs like he has been stunned by falling masonry." Harsh words – how do you respond?

E- Pah. I laugh. Let me tell you. These reviewers, they're jerking off in the dark, is all, Project Cybermen III with Frank collected $870,000 on the first weekend in Hong Kong. Period.

B- Right, be that as it may, in general, you don’t get recognised for the
depth your work. Is this a source of regret for you?

E- Not really. Listen I was into ‘depth’ when I was young. I went to Book groups and method classes, tried hard, took it so seriously my butt hurt. Howl like a wolf, be a piece of fruit......now howl like a grape and peel like a bitch. Deep? How deep is the fucking wound, that's all my audience want to know! I always give the same advice. If in doubt: Cut to a Vietnam flashback and have him being tortured. In Black and White.

B- Always? What if that doesn't apply? Say if the film is set in the future?

E- They killed his brother

B- An only child

E- They Killed his partner.

Kevin - In Beyond Forgiveness, they killed his brother, his partner AND he was a vietnam vet, it was a tour de force Erwin

B- [mouth agape momentarily speechless]

E- That kid really knows my stuff

B- [sotto]That's enough Kevin, this is not bloody game show. So, Any questions from the floor.

Ricardo- Me Me Me Me pick Me Me Me! Erwin Baby you wanna see me dance !?? Boom - chicka - boom - chicka - aye aye aye!!

Bernard - Right that's it, this is totally ridiculous, there is absolutely zero merit in these films, there is more cultural content in my sock drawer. The evening’s been hijacked by ninja’s and nacy boys. I think we'll have to wrap up the interview here and now. Ladies and Gents-

Erwin- Hey don't knickers in a twist little man.

Kevin- That's right, I'm stepping in here Barnard-

B- I won't let you destroy East Dulwich Film Club with this imbecility!

K- Sit down Bernard! Take your medication. Just wait for the second half, wait to you all see what we have lined up, we have clips that will just blow everyones minds, AND we have a special guest who will take the whole evening to the next level!

B- Oh no its not Dolph Lungren is it?

Erwin- Hey, nobody fucks with Dolph Lungren!!! I mean we're not speaking right now but the man is like a Greek God, Oddesius or som'thing like that.

B- oh god oh god oh god please make it stop, they come here, they all come here, how do they find me?

Kevin- Ladies and Gents we WILL be back after a break of 15 minutes and after Bernard has been given a calming drink. Thanks very much.

Erwin- Where's the bar?

END OF ACT ONE