Bernard - sitting alone - to himself right. We do this by the book. Just Ask the questions. I need to focus. Think Newsnight. That's it. Professional control and no surprises.

There is a scream off and the screen to the side of the stage bursts open as a Ninja flies like a striking cobra through it. Stage left someone has set up two blocks with a piece of balsa wood suspended between them. The ninja sprints up the block before landing a shattering blow. He then goes through a couple of fearsome Karate moves with a side-splitting scream.

Bernard- KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kevin. entering casually Hi Bolo. You made it. To bernard you remember Bolo from the Modern Buddism in practice class. I thought I'd invite him along. Erwin likes ninjas.

Erwin enters - a bit drunk - with Daisy and Cordelia either side of him - Cordelia has unbuttoned her blouse a little and let her hair down.

Erwin - Bernard, Kevin, Howdy. Fuck me. Whose your friend with the pyjamas!

Bernard - Breathe Bernard. Stay focused. What would Paxman do? Yeaas
Bolo, if you could put your pieces of wood away and take a seat, thanks so much for the demonstration. sotto directed at Kevin Kevin, any more or your stunts are I'll have you banned, capice?

With John Cleese-like officiousnessLadies and Gentlemen despite admitting an homicidal maniac to the stage we are on track to take questions from the floor in few minutes. Sorry about all the Sturm und Drang, and once again, I'd like to apoligize to anyone who was expecting a Lars Von Trier discussion-

E- Don't apologise man, I think we're all having a good time!

C- Well, quite, Let's hope so. Now Erwin, I've logged on in the break and read some the reviews your films have gathered. How do you respond when someone like the Seattle Enquirer calls you a "A tawdry pornographer with all the style of Liberace at a car boot sale," and the Edgeware and Mill Hill Times said of your lead actor, Frank Zagorino, "We've seen styro-foam cups with more charisma, he performs like he has been stunned by falling masonry."

E- You can't print shit like that, surely! These reviewers, they're jerking off in the dark, is all, Project Cybermen III with Frank collected $870,000 on the first weekend in Hong Kong. Period.

B- Right, be that as it may, in general, your actors don't get recognised for their performances. Is this a source of regret for you?

E- Not really. Understand this, I'm not a dummy. I have other types of projects I wanna do, be they musicals or historical pieces, but we all need income. Mine is from straight to video. You have to know your audience for this stuff. Depth? How deep is the fucking wound, that's all we need to know!

P- It seems.

E- Hell yeah, this is what it is, you have your staple ways of managing a Straight-to-video story. I'm giving you gems here Barnaarde. You know the kind of problem: Brad's just been with Tiffany and now, for the plot, he gotta bare his soul for the dialogue scene next to the jacuzzi. How we now gonna believe this awesome killer is actually capable of crying? I always give the same advice: Cut to a Vietnam flashback and have him being tortured. In Black and White.

B- What if that scenario doesn't apply? Say if the film is set in the future?

E- They Killed his Brother.

B- Only child?

E- They Killed his partner.

Kevin - In Beyond Forgiveness, they killed his brother, his partner AND he was a vietnam vet, it was a tour de force Erwin.

B- [mouth agape momentarily speechless]

E- That kid really knows my stuff

B- [sotto]That's enough Kevin, this is not bloody game show

Ricardo- I liike Game shows! Fantastice! Erwin baby I can dance, probably better than pyjama man over there!

Bolo stands up and folds him arms.