Erwin- Samurai Tequila. Our caterer.....
Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......
Hilarious montage - including bad dialogue and people jumping through windows in slow motion
B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?
B- I,I,I,I have never seen anything like it.
E - Bernaaard. I don't know what you've been watching but you need to live a fuckin' - little. So what you probably want to ask about how I came to have my very own film empire?
B- Well there's many things I need to ask but, er, in your early years did you set an office up straight away in, I mean near, Hollywood with an apartment into Bel Air?
E- Bucharest. We bought the biggest studio space we could get so's if we wanted Tanks or Aircraft carriers or the movie called for rebuilding ancient Jerusalem: then we'd have some room.
B- And do you find Romania condusive to filmmaking.
E- Condi-what? Listen, Romanians are a good looking, hard working race and I can blow shit up to my heart's desire there. The roads are like swiss cheese but let's not go there -
B- What about actors, is it hard to attract Hollywood's biggest stars to Romania?
E- Well, we got Steven Seagal out there. He fuckin' loves it, he thinks he's on Safari. He usually brings between 10 and 20 women with him - what do they call it: entourage.
B- Doesn't that cause any problems on set?
E- Bernard, you were saying how this is your little area of authority, shall we say well the studio is mine. I'm the ringmaster of our own little circus. One day Seagal actually brought an African princess onto "Executive Disruption". She was lovely but you can't talk about dailies with an African princess.
B- Right. OKAY. Mmmmm. So I want to discuss genre.
E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the movie. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.
P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just action. What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures while sharing an an an examination of truth and beauty?
E- - What of them?
B- (meekly) nothing
pause
I mean don't you ever get fed up of massive explosions and actors who can only deliver one line at a time?
E- Actually the Lungren can deliver at least four lines of dialogue without having to go back to the hotel. And I've seen him deliver a monologue while hanging upside down with two guys waving blow-torches at his balls.
B- So dialogue is important to you?
E- I'm a lover of the spoken word actually. You know, between extreme violence and torture you do need nice words. I write nearly all my own films.
B - Really. It seems there's no end to your talents Erwin.
E - Right. I wrote it all. I still control my scripts - That's important. Writers are ok on the emotional stuff but I have to re-write it to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.
B - I can imagine, now....
Kevin - interrupting, stepping in Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect.
B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-
E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my raises his beer bottle
At the side
B- I read your note. Why is your girlfriend here from the drama society and how dare you interrupt-
K- It's all right, She's going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get into his creative process, now get back to it, for Christ's sakes.
B- I.You. Kevin S..alright we'll talk about this later-
B- Erwin, we have a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress
to join us and give us a performance of one your scenes, then maybe you can talk us through your creative process based on a scene.
It would demonstrate your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.
E- Sure, knock yourself out.
B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.
Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.
B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-
Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-
She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin
Mr Breckenheuser, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise is from Leningrad Shakedown! Enjoy
She assumes character before continuing
How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We were once inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie was shot you it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. After the Kuleshev death squad found where you had hidden your sweetheart, the mother of your children you were devastated and for me to bring you back it was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!
Long Pause
B - Erwin, that's...
E- Sounded like my dialogue for sure. But. I mean. Honestly. Honey I know you were trying but that was awful. Total dreck. I'm embrassed to be sitting her. (beat) She didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweek cakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In that scene you need to move from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds.
Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things prepared.
Cordelia runs off stage.
Bernard- Thank you er, that’s quite enough of that, Erwin I think we’ll push on with your interview now before we open up to some questions from the floor
E- Actually, apart from the performance I enjoyed that! I've got a great idea if want to experience the true magic of my dialogue. There's someone who nails my material like no one else and not just in the jacuzzi - Daisy honey, would you, could you do some bits for Bernie here?
A whiny nasel laugh comes from the front row of the audatorium
B-Er
A blonde bombshell stands. Everyone should fine her attractive till she lets rip with a hollywood nasal whine.
Daisy- Erwin, my big fat bubula, of course I will!
Bernard looks to the heavens for help.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......
Hilarious montage - including bad dialogue and people jumping through windows in slow motion
B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?
B- I,I,I,I have never seen anything like it.
E - Bernaaard. I don't know what you've been watching but you need to live a fuckin' - little. So what you probably want to ask about how I came to have my very own film empire?
B- Well there's many things I need to ask but, er, in your early years did you set an office up straight away in, I mean near, Hollywood with an apartment into Bel Air?
E- Bucharest. We bought the biggest studio space we could get so's if we wanted Tanks or Aircraft carriers or the movie called for rebuilding ancient Jerusalem: then we'd have some room.
B- And do you find Romania condusive to filmmaking.
E- Condi-what? Listen, Romanians are a good looking, hard working race and I can blow shit up to my heart's desire there. The roads are like swiss cheese but let's not go there -
B- What about actors, is it hard to attract Hollywood's biggest stars to Romania?
E- Well, we got Steven Seagal out there. He fuckin' loves it, he thinks he's on Safari. He usually brings between 10 and 20 women with him - what do they call it: entourage.
B- Doesn't that cause any problems on set?
E- Bernard, you were saying how this is your little area of authority, shall we say well the studio is mine. I'm the ringmaster of our own little circus. One day Seagal actually brought an African princess onto "Executive Disruption". She was lovely but you can't talk about dailies with an African princess.
B- Right. OKAY. Mmmmm. So I want to discuss genre.
E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the movie. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.
P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just action. What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures while sharing an an an examination of truth and beauty?
E- - What of them?
B- (meekly) nothing
pause
I mean don't you ever get fed up of massive explosions and actors who can only deliver one line at a time?
E- Actually the Lungren can deliver at least four lines of dialogue without having to go back to the hotel. And I've seen him deliver a monologue while hanging upside down with two guys waving blow-torches at his balls.
B- So dialogue is important to you?
E- I'm a lover of the spoken word actually. You know, between extreme violence and torture you do need nice words. I write nearly all my own films.
B - Really. It seems there's no end to your talents Erwin.
E - Right. I wrote it all. I still control my scripts - That's important. Writers are ok on the emotional stuff but I have to re-write it to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.
B - I can imagine, now....
Kevin - interrupting, stepping in Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect.
B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-
E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my raises his beer bottle
At the side
B- I read your note. Why is your girlfriend here from the drama society and how dare you interrupt-
K- It's all right, She's going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get into his creative process, now get back to it, for Christ's sakes.
B- I.You. Kevin S..alright we'll talk about this later-
B- Erwin, we have a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress
to join us and give us a performance of one your scenes, then maybe you can talk us through your creative process based on a scene.
It would demonstrate your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.
E- Sure, knock yourself out.
B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.
Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.
B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-
Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-
She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin
Mr Breckenheuser, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise is from Leningrad Shakedown! Enjoy
She assumes character before continuing
How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We were once inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie was shot you it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. After the Kuleshev death squad found where you had hidden your sweetheart, the mother of your children you were devastated and for me to bring you back it was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!
Long Pause
B - Erwin, that's...
E- Sounded like my dialogue for sure. But. I mean. Honestly. Honey I know you were trying but that was awful. Total dreck. I'm embrassed to be sitting her. (beat) She didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweek cakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In that scene you need to move from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds.
Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things prepared.
Cordelia runs off stage.
Bernard- Thank you er, that’s quite enough of that, Erwin I think we’ll push on with your interview now before we open up to some questions from the floor
E- Actually, apart from the performance I enjoyed that! I've got a great idea if want to experience the true magic of my dialogue. There's someone who nails my material like no one else and not just in the jacuzzi - Daisy honey, would you, could you do some bits for Bernie here?
A whiny nasel laugh comes from the front row of the audatorium
B-Er
A blonde bombshell stands. Everyone should fine her attractive till she lets rip with a hollywood nasal whine.
Daisy- Erwin, my big fat bubula, of course I will!
Bernard looks to the heavens for help.
posted by Mike at 5:27 AM
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