Act One, Scene One

It’s film night in East Dulwich. A small room has been set up for an audience discussion. The set is sparse like an anonymous college room except for two chairs
— stage left — set around a round table with cheap looking microphones pointing at each one. At the back is a white projector screen, of decent size. Semi- concealed is an AV booth with a computer where a character will organise the filmed clips for the evening.

Sedate classical music is playing.

Powerpoint slide with "Lars Von Trier: humour and perversity in Denmark." East Dulwich Film Club

A young man with a remote control in his hands steps into the middle, boyish looking in a hooded top and jeans…

Kevin

Evenin’

Uncomfortable pause.

My name is Kevin. Kevin Spottesby. And erm, welcome to East Dulwich Film Club.
I recognise some of you here from our regular nights at the college. Hello. Glad you’ve made it here for our little discussion. For those of you who are new to the club, where have you been? We’ve been meeting here for nearly two years, chatting about what, our regular host Bernard, calls “the cutting edge of extremely independent cinema”, with spring rolls and the occasional samosa if Mrs Singh is kind enough. We even made the local papers after one night got a little bit out of hand, shall we say, disagreements turned a bit physical and the police were called in, but we won’t talk about that and please don’t mention George Lazenby this evening if that’s alright. Tonight you are amongst friends and I can feel a very special buzz in the air about this evening’s programme. I gotta tell you though, I’m been fed up with our usual crap for a while now and from some of your emails, I gather so have you. So, it’s time for something a little different and let’s stop prattling on about cinema for chrissake. I mean, who calls it that these days. Bernard needs to chill. When I first came here our he was on his todd trying to play host while people chatted about Three Colours Blue, Purple whatever. Now I may be pretty nervous standing here – Bernard usually does it all – but he was blimin' hopeless to begin with: people talked over him, foreign students were abusin’ each other, it was right state. So I walked to the back of the room, turned the lights off. And put on Red Sonja. Bridget Nielson! Schwarzenegger as Prince Caledor. Muscles and swordplay, they soon shut up. All of a sudden everyone was laughing. They bloody loved it, and after an hour of poncy talk about feminism and role-playing or some shite, the club was proper up and running. I’ve been doing the clips ever since. Bernard thinks he's the boss, choosing topics, always arty farty, always up his own…And he mocks me, says I’m only good for techie stuff and sellin’ insurance,but he doesn’t know about my training, the film courses I’ve been on, and what I’ve been planning with my team [tails off]… Anyway I’m going to show him, just like I do when I mess up his talks. Like when I was supposed to show a sequence from 3 Burials, you know, the Tex/Mex film, and I *ahem* accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook and Billy Zane. I mean “Donde ester le probleme?” I don’t care if you read Sight and Sound every day, what would you rather see: Kelly Brook getting baps out in the water, or Tommie Lee Jones dragging a corpse around? Don't make me laugh…So now I know some of you are here to get all intrigued about Danish film- making but allow me to open your eyes to somethin’ even better. [Points to the back] Phillipe, I can see your notepad out already. Put it away! Because this evening, you can forgot about all that shite and learn about something real. Someone real infact. Yes, at today’s film club we have an actual movie-making legend joining us. [raises his arms, smile insanely like Tony Blair at a Bar Mitzvah] The man who directed Samurai Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney will be right here, and Bernard is going to talk to him. So you take that piece of paper about Lars-

Bernard enters quickly. He’s middle-aged, terribly middle class with the air of an Open University teacher who thinks he’s on a mission for the UN to spread the word about proper films. He eyes up the audience and beckons Kevin stage right sotto voce supposedly so the audience can't hear.

Bernard (holding a torn poster) What in god's name do you think you're doing!
Kevin- So you didn't....get my email..
Bernard- What email?
Kevin- The one about the change of programme? I sent it about erm - half an hour ago?
Bernard- Change of programme?
Kevin- Well nobody wanted to see Lars von trier.
Bernard- These people don’t want to discuss a world-class auteur and WANT to see THIS rubbish instead? I find that hard to believe. They look like the kind of cultured people we like at Cinephile night - well some of them do. A couple in the front maybe.
Kevin- But-
Bernard- But nothing, you can't change the program. It’s not the done thing.
Kevin- But I've got a guest-
Bernard And you can't book guests. you play the blummin' dvd's!
Kevin- I tracked him down, asked him to come along. He said yes. He's showed up.
Bernard- Who?
Kevin- An actual film director.
Bernard- Oh.
Kevin- Writer and producer..
Bernard- And he's here? Now?
Kevin- Yes. That’s what I’m telling you. He’s waiting to come on after a big introduction, and you're embarrassing him. And me.
Bernard- So who is he. is he leading edge?
Kevin- God yeah – he’s over the edge, he’s a whole new…………….…shape, man.
Bernard- Will I know his films? He's bone fide: not one of your mates from the YTS?
Kevin- Film school, I went to film school - and no - he's a proper filmmaker. He's American and I've already told everyone about him. So shall we get on with it.
Bernard- If you’re sure he's good.
Kevin- He's the bollocks Bernard...here are your notes, trust me..ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him...

Points his remote control towards the AV booth. The current slide dissolves leaving a bodacious action sequence with Frank Zagarino and explosive violence.
Bernard urges Kevin off the stage and reads off his notes apprehensively.

Bernard Thanks Kevin, I’ll take over. Everybody, I’d like to bring out a man who ***coughs*** is know as “a king of high-octane adrenaline cinema”, he’s worked for over 30 years with the best, he's a two-time 'Golden Shepherd' nominee at the O0stend Film Festival, and a much commented on former BAFTA er.....member. Please, oh please, show your appreciation for Mister. Erwin. J. Breckenhauser!
EJB springs on stage - stylish but over elaborately dressed - with unlit cigar - and two small bottles containing what appears to be water.

Erwin- Hi Hullo everyone, great to be here. This is for BBC Four right?
Bernard- [looks sheepish] Er-
Erwin- Your man over there told me.
Bernard- He did, right well, indeed, well we are taping at the back. Mr Breckenhauser it’s tremendous to finally meet you , can you introduce for us your brand of filmmaking in case people here are not familiar-
Erwin- Call me Erwin please, and I'm sure this crowd knows my stuff. Everybody loves 'em. Something comes outta people after they see my movies, not like they - you know - crap themselves but....
Bernard- Yes. Quite. Thanks. Perhaps you could start by establishing your oeuvre -
Erwin- Oeuvre?
Bernard- Your terrain, your style, what genre do you best represent?
Erwin- My kinda movies?
Bernard- Exactly.
Erwin- You need me to spell it out?
Bernard- Please.
Erwin- Lemethink, well you know Hollywood obviously?
Bernard- Yes.
Erwin- You may know a suburb called Brentwood, it’s kind of lively but a bit dangerous, on the outskirts of town. Not sure if it actually counts as Hollywood actually but you know.
Bernard Right.
Erwin- That suburb is a bit like one of my movies.
Bernard- Errm.
Erwin- I'll paint you a picture: you know the red carpet set up. Premiers. Nominees waving their dicks around, botox everywhere —real classy shit.
Bernard- Yes I've-
Erwin -get that right out of your head. You know Stallone?
Bernard- I’ve seen—
Erwin —Forget him. Frank Stallone was like a brother to my second cousin but now they are BOTH dead to me.
Bernard- Ok
Erwin- Dolph Lungren…
Bernard- Well
Erwin- He won't take my calls but—
Bernard —I'm still—
Erwin- Okay you're in the video store?
Bernard- I am?
Erwin- None of your classic rentals are in; Tremors 2, Punisher, Driving Miss Daisy Crazy.
Bernard- Er.
Erwin- There's an action movie you've never heard of with a guy who looks like Steven Seagal before he became a fat fuck..
Bernard- Oh. My. God.
Erwin- So you know it's ain't Shakespeare right? But you just want some bang for you buck, and some definite thrills (beat) you know what-screw that. We're still not really there.
Bernard- We’re not?
Erwin- [triumphantly] Okay, you're in a Motel room - watching cable but you can’t order the porno because your company is picking up the check. So you get an action movie dubbed into Spanish with a guaranteed explosion every 12 minutes and some T&A if you’re lucky!
Bernard- That it?
Erwin- Yeah, I don't know about oeuvre. [smiles] But that's my shit.

(Beat)

Bernard- Interesting. Right. Well we discussed Antonioni last week this will be a departure. Erwin, can I ask you how you got into the business in the first place?
Erwin Entirely by accident! You probably don't remember the director’s strike of '77....
Bernard- Not really.
Erwin- Tallulah Borgstein with the (mimes an impressive chest)?
Bernard- Nope.
Erwin- The incident with Sacramento fire department?
Bernard Sorry.
Erwin- The Mayor?
Bernard- This could go on forever. I think it's safe to say we don't know very much about you. Why don't you start at the beginning. Perhaps our first clip would help. This is from your debut film I understand.
Erwin Really, you found it, I didn’t know there were any copies left, our distributors kinda ended up behind bars, I can’t tell the story here-
Bernard That’s fine, our Kevin tracked it down and we’ll put it on.
Erwin What I can tell you is that it was damn hard to get finance. Don't forget we didn't have access to things like the Sundance Festival in those days. We didn’t exactly go skiing with potential investors, we had to be more creative. Where was Robert Redford when we were donating sperm and getting electric shocks in Bulgaria?
You know, I was just balls-out desperate to translate my vision to the silver screen.
Bernard- And the title?
Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......