Kevin

Evenin’

Uncomfortable pause.

My name is Kevin. Kevin Spottesby. And erm, welcome to East Dulwich Film Club.
I recognise some of you. Hello. For newbies. Hello. Where have you been? We’ve been doing this for two years. Not non-stop obviously. That would be ridiculous. But every week chatting about what our Bernard, calls “the cutting edge of extremely independent cinema”, Bernard. Or Bernaard is our regular host. He’ll be here in a minute. You might have heard of him. He was in the papers. The Shopper. One week it got little bit out of hand, shall we say, disagreements turned a bit physical, but that's history. Just try not to mention Star wars. The Phantom Menace tonight.

But don’t worry. Tonight is going to be fine. Well to be honest I’ve been fed up with our usual crap. Sorry, but I have. It’s time for something a little different and let’s stop prattling on about art for chrissake. Bernard needs to chill. When I first came here he was on his todd trying to get people excited about Three Colours Blue, Red and Purple whatever. It was fucking dull. So I walked to the back of the room, turned the lights off. And put on Red Sonja. Bridget Nielson! Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger! Muscles, swordplay and terrible acting. They stopped being wanky and just laughed. They bloody loved it, and you couldn't stop them talking about feminism and the phallus. It got filthy, and then the club was proper up and running. I’ve been doing the clips ever since. Bernard thinks he's the boss, choosing topics, always arty farty, always up his own…

I shouldn’t tell you this, but once when I was supposed to show a sequence from The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada with Tommy Lee Jones and I accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook. I mean “Donde ester le probleme?” What would you rather see: A modern western about grief and redemption or Kelly Brook’s breasts.

Bernaard says I’m a philistine only good for techie stuff, but he doesn’t know about my training, the film courses I’ve been on, and what I’ve been planning with my team

Listen this evening, you can forgot about cinema and learn about something real. Someone real infact. Yes, at today’s film club we have a guest, an actual movie-making legend joining us. He’s not a tortured artiste or Polish, but he did direct Samurai Tequila for $75,000 and he’s here, and Bernard is going to talk to him. So you take that piece of paper about Lars Von trier and tear -

Bernard enters quickly and loudly from the back of the auditorium. He’s middle-aged, terribly middle class with the air of an Open University teacher who thinks he’s on a mission for the UN to spread the word about proper films. He is transcendent with rage.

Bernard (holding a torn poster) WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!
Kevin (reacting calmly) - So you didn't....get my email..
Bernard- What email?
Kevin- The one about the change of programme? I sent it about erm - half an hour ago?
Bernard- Change of programme?
Kevin - Well I’ve arranged something better, besides I’m not sure people here wanted to
Bernard - These people don’t want to discuss a world-class auteur and WANT to see THIS rubbish instead? I find that hard to believe. They look like the kind of cultured people we like at Cinephile night - well some of them do. A couple in the front maybe.
Kevin- But-
Bernard- But nothing, you can't change the program. It’s not the done thing.
Kevin- But I've got a guest-
Bernard And you can't book guests. you play the blummin' dvd's!
Kevin- I tracked him down, asked him to come along. He said yes. He's showed up.
Bernard- Who?
Kevin- An actual film director.
Bernard- Oh.
Kevin- Writer and producer..
Bernard- And he's here? Now?
Kevin- Yes. That’s what I’m telling you. He’s waiting to come on after a big introduction, and you're embarrassing him. And me.
Bernard- So who is he. is he leading edge?
Kevin- God yeah – he’s over the edge, he’s a whole new…………….…shape, man.
Bernard- Will I know his films? He's bone fide: not one of your mates from the YTS?
Kevin- Film school, I went to film school - and no - he's a proper filmmaker. He's American and I've already told everyone about him. So shall we get on with it.
Bernard- If you’re sure he's good.
Kevin- He's the bollocks Bernard...here are your notes, trust me..ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him...shall we get on with it?

Not waiting for an answer Kevin points his remote control towards the AV booth. The current slide dissolves leaving a bodacious action sequence with Frank Zagarino and explosive violence.

Kevin – Ladies and gentleman please welcome writer, director and producer of forty seven masterpieces of the straight to video action. Erwin J bruckenheimer.

Kevin has spent not quite enough time planning the welcome…the rocky music? A smoke machine? A party popper? It all leads to a slight feeling of anti-climax and a uncomfortably long pause.

Erwin - Erm Hi
Kevin Erwin! Losing himself and giving Erwin a big bear hug.
Bernard - Mr Bruckenheimer Remembering himself and formally shaking hands I'm delighted you're here. Anything you might have heard. Well. Erm. It's just I wasn't aware of the change of schedule. But it's fine. Really. Kevin tells me you're a film maker of some regard.
Erwin - I do ok. sure.
Bernard - My names is Bernaaard. And this is my little home of cinematic celebrium if you will.
Erwin - If i will?
Bernard - if you will yes. My little centre of Filmic philisophising.
Erwin - philospohising?
Bernard - Light and shadow, flickering consciousness, directed dreams, photographic fulfilment are all open for intelligent and dare I say intellectual devouring through yours truly.
Erwin - can I guy get a beer?
Bernard - beer? here? Oh yes. Kevin perhaps you could A hovering Kevin interrupts by loudly opening a can of beer and handing it to erwin..stealing bernaards thunder somewhat..
Erwin - Can I smoke? again kevin offers a cigarette which he theatrically lights.
Bernard - As I was saying..we are here to look at cinema through a lens..
Erwin - you wanna talk about my movies. Kevin explained.
Bernard - did he? Did you kevin? You'll be expecting some tricky questions about classic closed romanticism vs the new wave of iranian inspired quasi-documentary no doubt.
Erwin - sorry i heven't understood a word yu've been saying sinve i got here bernaard. But you're a cute little english guy - you probably went to Eton - so go to town - just know that if you make me look a schmuck I'll break your balls.
Bernard - ha ha - oh. right. Maybe we should make a start.

They take their seats. Bernard looking relieved.

Bernard – Erwin. Perhaps you could start by establishing your oeuvre -
Erwin- Oeuvre?
Bernard- Your terrain, your style, what genre do you best represent?
Erwin- My kinda movies?
Bernard- Exactly.
Erwin- You need me to spell it out?
Bernard- Please.
Erwin- Lemethink, well you know Hollywood obviously?
Bernard- Yes.
Erwin- You may know a suburb called Brentwood, it’s kind of lively but a bit dangerous, on the outskirts of town. Not sure if it actually counts as Hollywood actually but you know.
Bernard Right.
Erwin- That suburb is a bit like one of my movies.
Bernard- Errm.
Erwin- I'll paint you a picture: you know the red carpet set up. Premiers. Nominees waving their dicks around, botox everywhere —real classy shit.
Bernard- Yes I've-
Erwin -get that right out of your head. You know Stallone?
Bernard- I’ve seen—
Erwin —Forget him. Frank Stallone was like a brother to my second cousin but now they are BOTH dead to me.
Bernard- Ok
Erwin- Dolph Lungren…
Bernard- Well
Erwin- He won't take my calls but—
Bernard —I'm still—
Erwin- Okay you're in the video store?
Bernard- I am?
Erwin- None of your classic rentals are in; Tremors 2, Punisher, Driving Miss Daisy Crazy.
Bernard- Er.
Erwin- There's an action movie you've never heard of with a guy who looks like Steven Seagal before he became a fat fuck..
Bernard- Oh. My. God.
Erwin- So you know it's ain't Shakespeare right? But you just want some bang for you buck, and some definite thrills (beat) you know what-screw that. We're still not really there.
Bernard- We’re not?
Erwin- [triumphantly] Okay, you're in a Motel room - watching cable but you can’t order the porno because your company is picking up the check. So you get an action movie dubbed into Spanish with a guaranteed explosion every 12 minutes and some T&A if you’re lucky!
Bernard- That it?
Erwin- Yeah, I don't know about oeuvre. [smiles] But that's my shit.

(Beat)

Bernard- Interesting. Right. Well we discussed Antonioni last week this will be a departure. Erwin, can I ask you how you got into the business in the first place?
Erwin Entirely by accident! You probably don't remember the director’s strike of '77....
Bernard- Not really.
Erwin- Tallulah Borgstein with the (mimes an impressive chest)?
Bernard- Nope.
Erwin- The incident with Sacramento fire department?
Bernard Sorry.
Erwin- The Mayor?
Bernard- This could go on forever. I think it's safe to say we don't know very much about you. Why don't you start at the beginning. Perhaps our first clip would help. This is from your debut film I understand.
Erwin Really, you found it, I didn’t know there were any copies left, our distributors kinda ended up behind bars, I can’t tell the story here-
Bernard That’s fine, our Kevin tracked it down and we’ll put it on.
Erwin What I can tell you is that it was damn hard to get finance. Don't forget we didn't have access to things like the Sundance Festival in those days. We didn’t exactly go skiing with potential investors, we had to be more creative. Where was Robert Redford when we were donating sperm and getting electric shocks in Bulgaria?
You know, I was just balls-out desperate to translate my vision to the silver screen.
Bernard- And the title?
Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......