Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......

Hilarious montage - including bad dialogue and people jumping through windows in slow motion

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.

E- Too right Bernaaard. There’s nothing like it is there. Rock and fucking roll

B- Quite.

E – So what would you like to ask me you old dog you?

B – I thought we could – if we may – start with a discussion – in the widest sense - of your genre?

E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the movie. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just the smoke and mirrors of action. There’s a thing called ‘truth’ What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures. What of the beauty of the human condition?

E- Exactly. What of them?

B- (meekly) nothing

pause

I mean don't you ever get fed up of just blowing things up.

E- Just blowing things up!!! My god bernarrd – where you not watching. I’m a master. My films deliver - sunshine and don’t forget it. Sure anyone can blow things up, but I Erwin J Breckenheimer do it in a way that touches people right here. (he touches his chest)

B- So – art is important to you.?

E- Sure. I see that between extreme violence, torture, and mayhem you do need a bit of – what would you call it – poetry. And I'm not just talking about cutting to a nice pair of tits after a violent scene. No, I mean fucking pretty words making the difference. That’s why I write all my own scripts.

B - I didn't realise.

E - Right. I write it all. Well I control it all – I don’t actually do much writing these days. But I’m in control. Writers are ok but I have to re-write it with my own spin to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting and stepping centre stage Ahem.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my.... raises his beer bottle

At the side

K - Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect. Now seems like the right time.

B - I read your note.

K- It's all right, Cordelia is going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get into his creative process, now get back to it, for Christ's sakes.

B- I.You. Kevin S.. this is a truly dreadful idea, but alright. We'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we, well Kevin, has a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress – Cordelia from the drama society – to join us and give us a performance of one your scenes, then maybe you can talk us through your process as a film maker. We'd love to see your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheimer, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise. Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We used to be inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you; it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. And after the Kuleshev death squad found where you had hidden your sweetheart,the mother of your children, you were devastated so for me to bring you back from the brink was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Total dreck. I'm embrassed for you. (beat) Honey you didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweekcakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In this scene you need to seg-way from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds flat. That's the magic of Leningrad Takedown.

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things prepared.

Cordelia runs off stage.

Bernard- Thank you er, that’s quite enough of that, Erwin I think we’ll push on with your interview now before we open up to some questions from the floor

E- Actually, apart from the performance I enjoyed that! I've got a great idea if want to experience the true sparkle of my dialogue. There's someone who nails my material like no one else and not just in the jacuzzi - Daisy honey, would you, could you do some bits for Bernie here?

A whiny nasel laugh comes from the front row of the audatorium

B-Er

A blonde bombshell stands. Everyone should fine her attractive till she lets rip with a hollywood nasal whine.

Daisy- Erwin, my big fat bubula, of course I will!


Bernard looks to the heavens for help.