Act one, scene one
Lights up.
The sedate classical music that has been playing abruptly halts.
Three dancers burst in from the back of the stage.
One blonde lady.
One brunette.
One young man with latin features.
A Kaleidoscopic light switches on. Pounding latin american jazz music plays the song Soca Mi Nice by Mongo Santamaria
Elaborate Mike Carter dance sequence.
Kevin Spottesby hurries in.
Kevin is youthful looking and enthusiastic. He wears a hooded top and trainers with the demenour of an IT support worker. He carries a remote control in his hands.
K- Hey hey hey what is going on here?
The male dancer continues dancing on the spot
Ricardo- Latin Jazz club mein! Join in if you liking it?
Kevin points his remote and stops the music, bringing the lights up.
The dancers stop and face him, hands on hips.
K- Guys, guys this room is booked I'm afraid.
R- Whaat, cmon Kevin man, the community centre is supposed to be for everyone.
He uses the remote again and a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme in his pomp appears.
Kevin- Ricardo this is important, do I have to spell it out for you-
Ricardo- Oh I seee, Ezzzzzzz GAY NIGHT!!!!!! I zo Sorry.
Kevin- No, it is NOT gay night! Tonight it's the Film club and we've booked this room until 10.30. Look out there, can't you see: we have an audience, so you'll need to find somewhere else to dance. And hurry up, Bernard will be here in a minute-
Ricardo- Oh Bernardo is coming, I like him. He funny. In his little bow-tie, talking about de artistic filme all the time. How come you're setting up here on your own, he usually in charge?
K- Well exactly, I'm fed up of always being his lackey. Ricardo, I've gone and done something. In a few minutes, people are going to know Kevin Spottesby as more than just the little guy who puts on DVD's while Bernarde prattles on about bloody ARTHOUSE cinema. For one night only we'll have no Polish farming epics, no black n' white films about chess, and definately: NO Lars Von Trier!
R- I no understand, I jus want more jazz dancing tonight, see. Girlies, go look for another room pleaze, we do "fungii mama" next!?
The female dancers leave quickly smiling.
K- Somebody is coming here Ricardo. Somebody big, sit yerself down for a sec',
I want you see the look on Bernard's face!!!
R- Ok, but I go in five.
Kevin pulls a couple of chairs from the back until they are almost facing each other, with a small table between them, on which he places a couple of small glasses.
Bernard enters quickly and loudly from the back of the auditorium. He’s middle-aged, terribly middle class with the air of an Open University teacher who thinks he’s on a mission for the UN to spread the word about proper films. He is transcendent with rage.
Bernard (holding a torn poster) WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!
Kevin (reacting calmly) - So you didn't....get my email..
Bernard- What email?
Kevin- The one about the change of programme? I sent it about erm - half an hour ago?
Bernard- No I bloody didn't.
Kevin - Well I’ve arranged something better, besides I’m not sure people here wanted to-
Bernard - The patrons of East Dulwich Film Club would not turn up their noses to Lars Von Trier and want to see THIS rubbish instead? Nonsense! They look like the kind of cultured people we normally get every month - well some of them do. pause. A couple in the front maybe.
Kevin- But-
Bernard- But nothing, you can't change the program.
Kevin- But I've got a guest-
Bernard And you can't book guests. You play the DVDs and plug in leads!
Kevin- I tracked him down, asked him to come along. He said yes. He's showed up.
Bernard- Who?
Kevin- An actual film director.
Bernard- Oh.
Kevin- Writer and producer..
Bernard- And he's here? Now?
Kevin- Yes. That’s what I’m telling you. He’s waiting to come on after his big intro, and you're embarrassing him. And me.
Bernard- So who is he. is he cutting edge?
Kevin- God yeah he's beyond the thunderdome.
Bernard- Will I know his films? He's bone fide: not one of your mates from the YTS?
Kevin- Film school, I went to film school - and no - he's a proper filmmaker. He's American and everyone is waiting. So shall we get on with it?
Bernard- If you’re sure he's good.
Kevin- He's the bollocks Bernard...now here are your notes, trust me..ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him...shall we get on with it?
Not waiting for an answer Kevin points his remote control towards the AV booth. The current slide dissolves leaving a bodacious action sequence with heroes of the direct-to-video staple and explosive violence.
Kevin – Ladies and gentleman in a change to our published program we are delighted to bring to the stage, the writer, director and producer of forty seven unforgetable masterpieces. Please welcome Mr Erwin J Breckenheimer!!!
...
The sedate classical music that has been playing abruptly halts.
Three dancers burst in from the back of the stage.
One blonde lady.
One brunette.
One young man with latin features.
A Kaleidoscopic light switches on. Pounding latin american jazz music plays the song Soca Mi Nice by Mongo Santamaria
Elaborate Mike Carter dance sequence.
Kevin Spottesby hurries in.
Kevin is youthful looking and enthusiastic. He wears a hooded top and trainers with the demenour of an IT support worker. He carries a remote control in his hands.
K- Hey hey hey what is going on here?
The male dancer continues dancing on the spot
Ricardo- Latin Jazz club mein! Join in if you liking it?
Kevin points his remote and stops the music, bringing the lights up.
The dancers stop and face him, hands on hips.
K- Guys, guys this room is booked I'm afraid.
R- Whaat, cmon Kevin man, the community centre is supposed to be for everyone.
He uses the remote again and a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme in his pomp appears.
Kevin- Ricardo this is important, do I have to spell it out for you-
Ricardo- Oh I seee, Ezzzzzzz GAY NIGHT!!!!!! I zo Sorry.
Kevin- No, it is NOT gay night! Tonight it's the Film club and we've booked this room until 10.30. Look out there, can't you see: we have an audience, so you'll need to find somewhere else to dance. And hurry up, Bernard will be here in a minute-
Ricardo- Oh Bernardo is coming, I like him. He funny. In his little bow-tie, talking about de artistic filme all the time. How come you're setting up here on your own, he usually in charge?
K- Well exactly, I'm fed up of always being his lackey. Ricardo, I've gone and done something. In a few minutes, people are going to know Kevin Spottesby as more than just the little guy who puts on DVD's while Bernarde prattles on about bloody ARTHOUSE cinema. For one night only we'll have no Polish farming epics, no black n' white films about chess, and definately: NO Lars Von Trier!
R- I no understand, I jus want more jazz dancing tonight, see. Girlies, go look for another room pleaze, we do "fungii mama" next!?
The female dancers leave quickly smiling.
K- Somebody is coming here Ricardo. Somebody big, sit yerself down for a sec',
I want you see the look on Bernard's face!!!
R- Ok, but I go in five.
Kevin pulls a couple of chairs from the back until they are almost facing each other, with a small table between them, on which he places a couple of small glasses.
Bernard enters quickly and loudly from the back of the auditorium. He’s middle-aged, terribly middle class with the air of an Open University teacher who thinks he’s on a mission for the UN to spread the word about proper films. He is transcendent with rage.
Bernard (holding a torn poster) WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!
Kevin (reacting calmly) - So you didn't....get my email..
Bernard- What email?
Kevin- The one about the change of programme? I sent it about erm - half an hour ago?
Bernard- No I bloody didn't.
Kevin - Well I’ve arranged something better, besides I’m not sure people here wanted to-
Bernard - The patrons of East Dulwich Film Club would not turn up their noses to Lars Von Trier and want to see THIS rubbish instead? Nonsense! They look like the kind of cultured people we normally get every month - well some of them do. pause. A couple in the front maybe.
Kevin- But-
Bernard- But nothing, you can't change the program.
Kevin- But I've got a guest-
Bernard And you can't book guests. You play the DVDs and plug in leads!
Kevin- I tracked him down, asked him to come along. He said yes. He's showed up.
Bernard- Who?
Kevin- An actual film director.
Bernard- Oh.
Kevin- Writer and producer..
Bernard- And he's here? Now?
Kevin- Yes. That’s what I’m telling you. He’s waiting to come on after his big intro, and you're embarrassing him. And me.
Bernard- So who is he. is he cutting edge?
Kevin- God yeah he's beyond the thunderdome.
Bernard- Will I know his films? He's bone fide: not one of your mates from the YTS?
Kevin- Film school, I went to film school - and no - he's a proper filmmaker. He's American and everyone is waiting. So shall we get on with it?
Bernard- If you’re sure he's good.
Kevin- He's the bollocks Bernard...now here are your notes, trust me..ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him...shall we get on with it?
Not waiting for an answer Kevin points his remote control towards the AV booth. The current slide dissolves leaving a bodacious action sequence with heroes of the direct-to-video staple and explosive violence.
Kevin – Ladies and gentleman in a change to our published program we are delighted to bring to the stage, the writer, director and producer of forty seven unforgetable masterpieces. Please welcome Mr Erwin J Breckenheimer!!!
...
posted by Mike at 8:54 AM
2 Comments:
I love it! But ten to fifteen seconds - if we do it we need to open big baby!
Of course it blows any attempt to be sensible out of the water - it reminds me of the finale of blazing saddles and raises the silliness levels
Sensible!
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