ACT 2 scene 1

backstage

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. Instead of intelligent debate we're talking to this absurd man about his endless re-imaginatings of Rambo.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film Club! No one. We've probably emptied the place already, and I don't blame them. Yes, next month this slot will taken over by basket-weaving, or Gav's Creosote workshop, or whatever else they can find-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen, and besides you're not understanding what Erwin is-

Bernard- look up BULLSHIT ARTIST in the dictionary, Kevin!

Kevin- No, he's our meal ticket. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What do you mean?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits. Guess what he was saying to Daisy just a minute ago?

B- shrugs

K- He thinks you're talented, savvy or something like that, and he bet her you could put your film smarts into one of his projects.

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, why do think he gave me this business card for you?

B- I, I,

K- Listen, this is your night, you run the show, and I respect you for it. But otherwise, what's going on with your career? Writing sales pitches for stuff you don't give a toss about. Where are your bollocks mate? Do something!!!Life's not a rehearsal blah blah but seriously, what's it going to be, Bernard, more selling for other people or are you FINALLY going sell something of your own, produce a thing and, for chrisake maybe even get laid in the process?

B- half heartedly Erwin's got to you with all his gratuitous breasts-

K- No, you we can do something here tonight, you and I, you do your thing, I'll do mine. Or, maybe you want to go out there and tell EB, Daisy, Cordelia - who I think has a crush on you by the way - and our audience that you. Can't. Hack it?

B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Indulge Erwin when we go back out. Really let him go to town so that he's ready for a few little things I've been working on. Coz deep down I know he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren.

B- Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and find out what he is doing next.

B - what are you going to do?

K - you'll see...now go...remember meal ticket..

retreats to his AV box

B - Right.Welcome to the second half folks. I'm so glad you came back. No really Iam. In the interval I've been pondering. Is there any depth at all to erwin J Bruckenheimer? Are his films just - well - his films or is there a more intelligent film maker at work beneath the surface. Way beneath.I intend to find out. And maybe find out - apparently - what he's doing next. So please welcome back erwin,

others follow

B - oh and daisy...and cordelia...hello...oh ricardo the - erm - dancer..

Ricardo - hellloooo berrrrnaaard

B - Choosing to ignore this and lets not forget pyjama boy ninja features in the corner.

long beat

Ladies and gentlemen. Erm. We have a panel.

Everybody applauds themselves

Where were we. Yes before the break we covered sex (nods at daisy) and violence (nods at Bolo) and the marvellous career of Erwin Breckenheimer trails off

Erwin- Cheers. raises glass, Daisy giggles

Bernard - loudly, drunkenly So I think we're done. Thank you everybody.

Everybody - No..

Kevin - you can't finish yet, Bernard. For g-d's sake we've planned...I mean we haven't covered everything.

B- Actually I think we......have.....covered ourselves in shame and this man has proved himself to be purveyor of cheapnes-

Kevin pulls a chair from the back and places it next to Bernard's

K- Yes, thank you Bern-arde, he's a little over excited, Erwin before we throw you open to the floor, we have a few more things we are just burning to ask you, I'm going to finish the interview, whilst Bernie here takes a little breather

B- ladeez and gentleman we appear to have a panel! slumps back sulkily

K- Now Erwin, how about a subject close to your heart

E- Yes

K- I'm talking Guns! Big fuck off guns!

All - huh?

K - Erwin you always make guns look amazing..

E - He's right. I love a good 'piece'

K - it's something we should probably talk about?

E - Absolutely..

From nowhere Kevin dramatically - magician like - reveals an M16.

K - Ladies and gentleman. M16A1 rifle, with the forward assist, "bird cage" flash hider. circa 1967. The most feared assault weapon of the US military. Professional handling of this was mission critical in 'naaam. And now. In the underworld. Countless criminals, terrorists and guerilla's use it to devastating effect. But until now - it has been a man's weapon.

There's a pause - then cordelia stage whispers.

Cordelia- I can't believe your doing this.

Kevin - go on. He'll be impressed.

Cordelia -Erwin.Knowing you like women (she gestures 'me') and guns (She is handed the gun) we - well Kevin thought you'd like to see me..strip (beat) and reassemble an M16 in under four minutes.

Erwin - yeah baby I'd love to see that.

Daisy - (suddenly being serious) I bet you I can do it in two.

Cordelia - You're not serious?

Daisy - sure I am.

Cordelia - this is ridiculous. Who are are you? Kevin asked me to be all action heroine for Erwin - and I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. I mean me? I'm an actress who went on the antiwar march. Not in my name. Bush and blair out out out. An M16? A Challenge? Sorry Kevin. It's just crazy.

Kevin - crazy? It's perfect. A challenge. Two women. Fighting for what they believe in.

Erwin - It's great. It's showbiz. It's. It's -

Bernard - going to end in disaster. Ladies and gentlemen..

Daisy - Are you guys going to keep talking or pass me that piece and watch me work.

Daisy pulls up her skirts unglamorously and squats on the floor soldier like - pointing the M16 down stage.

Daisy - Ready set..

Erwin - go on honey

Kevin - This is amazing

Ricardo - I can't watch

Cordelia - I'm an actress.

Bernard - I'm confused.

Daisy does something very impressive with the gun and finishes with a flourish

Daisy - Just something I picked up. In the movies.

Erwin (to cordelia) - your lucky sweet heart. The OTHER things daisy picked up in the movies would get you arrested.

Cordelia (angry) - look. I'm here because Kevin asked me to be. I'm not comfortable with guns or sexism and I'd like a bit of respect. My life is the theatre. And it's hard - you know - you haven't had to fight to get to the heart of Ibsen.

Daisy - Ibsen? Asshole. Listen when I played Ellida in The Lady from the Sea and I guess Marta in The Pillars I had to do'dreamy yearnings of escape from a dull life', to where 'the sky is wide... clouds rise higher... the air is freer...' Henrik Honey - get a grip...

Cordelia - you played Ibsen?

Daisy - sure - who hasn't - let me see if I can remember a bit more. (she swings her M16 over her shoulder and launches into a monolgue)

Detail - detail - detail

All applaud

Kevin - wow Daisy

Ricardo - I cry. So beautiful.

Bernard - finally - some culture!

Daisy - Thanks.

Cordelia. It was ok.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - Ok it was very good. I had no idea.

Daisy - Oh I was like you once Cordelia. A real actress. Off broadway 1971! I was quite the intellectual. Before I had the stick taken out of my ass.

All Laugh...

Cordelia - Right Pass me that M16. What was it Daisy? Two minutes!

All cheer..

Erwin - This is amazing.

Kevin - It is isn't it.

Ricardo - oh no. Whatta I do? Do I support the boring stiff one or the cheap slutty one?

Bernard - I think we should show a clip.

All - oh no Bernaaard!

Bernard - I'd like to get back to some semblance of an interview. If that's OK. Maybe the ladies could sort this out later...have we time to set up a wrestling ring? Perhaps we could toss in a couple of dwarves - kevin - a clip please.

Kevin - alright. if you must.