ACT 2 scene 1

backstage

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. Instead of intelligent debate we're talking to this absurd man about his endless re-imaginatings of Rambo.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film Club! No one. We've probably emptied the place already, and I don't blame them. Yes, next month this slot will taken over by basket-weaving, or Gav's Creosote workshop, or whatever else they can find-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen, and besides you're not understanding what Erwin is-

Bernard- look up BULLSHIT ARTIST in the dictionary, Kevin!

Kevin- No, he's our meal ticket. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What do you mean?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits.

B- shrugs

K- He obviously respects you. I'd say he thinks you're very talented, savvy, you know, got the smarts - erm - or something like that, and you'd -

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, are you so sure? Are you willing to let him walk away...without trying.

B- I, I,

K- Listen, this is your night, you run the show. You can make something happen. What's going on with the rest of your life Bernard? Are you happy? Are you living the dream? What do you do? What are you for? Stuff nobody gives a toss about. Where are your bollocks mate? Do something!!! Life's not a rehearsal blah blah but seriously, what's it going to be, Bernard, more working for other people or are you FINALLY going sell something of your own, something wonderful!

B- erm

K Not to mention Cordelia?

B - Cordelia?

K - little bit of a crush on you...

B- half heartedly Really? Oh for god's sake. See what's happening. Erwin's got to you. With all his gratuitous breasts -

K- No, you can do something here tonight, make yourself look good eh? We all can. You, me, all of us. Or, maybe you don't want to...

B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Come on mate, indulge Erwin when we go back out. Really let him go to town so that he's ready for a few little things I've been working on. Coz deep down I know he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren.

B- Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and find out what he is doing next.

B - what are you going to do?

K - you'll see...

the others - cordelia, ricardo and bollo - enter from the back of the auditorium

K - Guys, guys, guys...come here. I was just telling bernard what an amazing second half we're going to have.

C - have you now Kevin..

B - yes Erwin's our meal ticket apparently..

Kevin - shhh..

C - don't worry he gave me the same speech. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Oh and how I - ha ha - probably had a crush on you and this was my chance... It's all ridiculous.

B - yes - utterly. You don't do you? I mean have a -

C - I'm a fool really. I should have said no - but I suppose you can't crush someone's dreams. What about you ricardo?

R - Me? no. I don;t have a crush on bernard?

C - no. why are you here?

R - I have no idea, but Kevin a nice guy.

K - yes. yes I am. and I'd like you to remember that. Now act 2. Cordelia - you sit there, ricardo there. And Bollo?

(bollo is already standing looking mean at the back of the stage)

K - Perfect....Bernard...

long beat

B - Welcome...