Bernard - Ladies and gentlemen. We appear to have a panel....ermm...right...Kevin, perhaps you'd like to comment on things so for.

Kevin. (hesitantly) Yes. I would. I would. Yes. I think it's been erm great.So for.

(pause)

Bernard - good, good. Thanks kevin. Anyone else? Ricardo? You probably have something interesting to say?

Ricardo. Yes.Yes.I do thankyou.

Bernard Would you like to share it with the panel?

Ricardo - What you mean?

Cordelia - Frustrated) Oh forgoodness sake. Erwin.

Erwin - Hi

Cordelia. I'm sure we're all wondering what inspires you?

Everyone yes, yes, we do.

Erwin. - Inspiration? Yes. Well some people look at the world and say why? I look at it and say why the fuck not? Once I get an idea in my head. And they just pop in there. Kazam. Wham. Bam. You know. There's no stopping me. It could be anything. An image. Anything. Whatever. Just in there. The old imagination. And then there's no stopping me. I just go for it. I don't waste time asking questions or ana- fucking-lysing. I get inspired and it's like. 'make it so'

Kevin - Oh. Hang on. I, well we have a clip that I think shows that attitude perfectly.

Erwin - cool.

Bernard. Great news. Would you like to set the scene?

Kevin - No. No. I think it speaks for itself. Erwin. I think this sequence is you at your best. Just getting an idea and going for it and not letting anything, anything at all get in the way.

Chuck morphing into a bear clip

Kevin - You see. What I like about that clip is at no point did you think. Turning chuck norris into a bear. That might look a bit ridiculous.

Bernard- Yes. Erwin. That kind of thinking doesn't seem to feature in your filmmaking does it?

Erwin. Hell no and I thinks that's what makes me the guy I am today.

Cordelia - I'm sure we'd all agree. What's more. kevin, don't you share Erwin's passion for bringing those special moments to the screen?

Kevin. (hesitantly) I guess I do. I mean I do, yes. I do.

Bernard - That's great. Kevin. Do share.

Kevin. Erwin. I have a dream.

Erwin - hallejuah. My brother.

Kevin - I'm sorry?

Erwin - hallejuah. My brother. Your dream? Kiddo.

Kevin - ermm

Erwin. You can't be shy about your dream.

Kevin. Well it's just..

Erwin. Is it about a chick? Don't tell me. Cordelia here has a twin sister? And you've been dreaming about -

Kevin - No. Of course not. I've never. I mean. Cordelia hasn't got a twin sister. That's not. I mean. Oh god. Erwin. I kind of want. To be a film. Well. I've always wanted to. Well the thing is. Why don't I show another clip?


Bernard & Cordelia. Kevin!

Kevin - erm. Let me put on the Ninja's on rollerskates.

Cordelia - Kevin!

Kevin - It's a work of genius.

(the clip starts. We see a short clip before the screen goes to snow. Bernard looks triumphant holding the business end of a coaxial cable.)

(beat)

Erwin - What the -

Bernard - Sorry. It's just rather than show a clip I think we need to move the discussion onto the future. What's next?

Erwin - The future? I dunno...same old shit probably..

Cordelia - where do your find talent?

Erwin - I hang it in bars and clubs..hit on waitresses...look out for the guys who've worked out

Bernard - ha ha you're kidding..

Erwin - kidding? - why would I

Bernard (interrupting) - New writers don't feature highly in your work Erwin - is there a reason for that - i'd have thought fresh new writers would be right up your street.

Erwin - ah yes, so you'd have thought, but can I meet any. ..

Bernard - yes tricky...I wonder if anyone on the panel has any ideas?

Ricardo - I have no clue what's going on.

Cordelia - not me I'm afraid.

Kevin - OK. OK. We could - I mean - Erwin how would you react if there was a new writer here. tonight. with a script to pitch.

Long beat

Erwin - you guys are crazy. Here?

Bernard - why not?

Cordelie - yes. why not? Kevin?

Kevin - Erwin - we are crazy. I've got a script. It's amazing. It's got ninja's, hero's, heroines, violence, sex, sex and violence, but a heart you know. Did I mention ninjas? What else? There's this scene. Bollo come here?

Erwin - woah there sunshine. is that why you got me here?

Kevin - Erm. I'm a huge fan. Mr Bruckenheimer,

Erwin - did you guys know about all this?

All - yes..

Ricardo - I thought it was gay night.

(bollo comes to front of the stage)

Kevin -Erwin - Let me set the scene. Bollo is our action star. We’re very excited about him. Action, mayhem and assassination. Bolo is your man. What yesterday's heroes could only hint at, he can do with his bare hands. Watch this.

A clip of Bolo - complete with whip pans and dubbing

Erwin - You guys get better and better...

Bernard - dubbed kevin?

Kevin - he doesn't speak english..

Bernard - but I heard

Kevin - He doesn't speak english - plus he's a silent assassinRicardo - he not that hard - he just keek and punch..

Kevin - Not that hard? Ricardo! He does tai chi and shit..he can mess with your internal organs...rip your heart out...Cordelia - are you sure about this kevin..?

Kevin - yes. he's incredible. Pass me that chair..Erwin, perhaps you'd like to hit Bolo in the face.

Erwin - ermm

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant. I go to evening classes. I drive a 2cv. Please don't hit me. I don;t know any martial arts.

Kevin - but Bolo -

Bollo - Nobody's died because of tai chi, kevin.

Ricardo - tai chi is lovely and pretty kevin. Everyone does it. Madonna, Spicey Geri, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bollo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's a fucking ninja ok?

Erwin - Jesus dude. Relax.

Kevin – I’m sorry..(Long beat where everybody looks uncomfortable) I just want to pitch my movie.

Erwin - well you've certainly made an impression kid.

Bernard - I'm sorry Mr Bruckenheimer if you feel you've been duped.

Erwin - Not at all. I remember sneaking into a dressed as harvey keitel's wardrobe mistress just to have twenty seconds with the money, poor woman nobody spotted me till I opened my big mouth. How was I to know she was Latvian. So you do what you have to do. Kid I'm impressed, but you got to work on your pitch. Hitting your action hero over the head with a chair. I've done that more times than I've have hot tabasco. Kid. Remember you got a few seconds to impress. What's your lift pitch?

Kevin - lift pitch?

Erwin - Nobody's told you about your lift pitch? I'm the money - right - and you get yourself next to me in the lift. You have one floor - one minute - to pitch you me your movie idea. You ready.

Kevin - It's erm, about ninja's but with a heart you know and it's got violence and sex and

Erwin - Ping. 19th floor. All I heard was ninja's. Yawn.

Kevin - shit.

Slide show

Kevin- This film is not just an epic tribute to the Ninja but
it answers the big environmental questions...
...turns out the world chose the wrong man to lead the way

Slide: Picture of Al Gore

No, what we need is a man of Action not words:

Slide: Picture of Steven Seagal cuddling a panda


That's right, Steven Seagal, he's gotta a small carbon footprint but a MASSIVE Fist!

Act two finale building

Kevin gets to pitch his great film to Erwin
and he does it by using a slide-show with helpful pictures.

Only at least one of the pictures will be a holiday snap left in by mistake.

Another one will the Steven Seagal Panda picture for a throwaway line about Environmentalism.

Maybe also his pitch includes "live" acted bits from Cordelia and Ricardo, with miming from Bolo.

I also seem to be obssessed with Beaches. We could have Ricardo singing
"Did ewe ever dat your my hero, every ting I wanted to be, C'MON BOLO PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR."

Cordelia in a red wig as Bette Midler?

"Tonight Hollywood is coming to us and we're going to pitch for our lives!"