Straight To Video with Kevin Spottesby

Erwin, Kevin, Bernarde, Cordelia and friends

look forward to seeing you in 2007 !!!!!!!!!!

Van Damme.
The Lungren.
Jewish Ninjas.
AND Lars Von Trier.


Kevin Spottesby is about to have the night of his life.

BAck to the beginning - bernard's entrance

B - (holding a torn poster) what in god's name do you think you're doing!
K - so you didn't....get my email..
B - what email?
K- the one about the change of programme? I sent it about erm - half an hour ago?
B - change of programme?
K - Well nobody wanted to see Lars von trier
B - These people didn't want to see european art house cinema? and WANT to see THIS rubbish instead? I find that hard to believe. They look like the kind of cultured people we like at film night - well some of them. A couple maybe.
K - but
B- but nothing you can't change the programme of film club.
K - but I've got a guest..
B - you can't book guests..you play the blummin' dvd's
K - I tracked him down and asked him to come along. He said yes. He's here.
B - who?
K - a film director.
B - oh.
K - writer and producer..
B - and he's here? now?
K - yes. And you're embarassing him. and me.
B - so who is he..is he the cutting edge?
K - god yeah - the edge man. right on it.
B - will I know his films? He's a proper film-maker right? Not one of your mates from the YTS?
K- film school I went to film school - and no - he's a proper film-maker. He's american and I've already told everyone about him. So shall we get on with it.
B - if your sure he's good
K - he's the fucking best bernard...trust me..ladies and gentlemen please welcome...(smoke machine, lazers, music, film clip, molntage..)

KS goes off

Second Act, Kevin has already introduced his Chinese fighter and hinted at his ambitions and after Bernard's rebuke to Erwin and

Frustrated at the direction of the interview he bursts on stage:

In magnificent Ninja regalia

Bernard- But Erwin, how can you ever hope to be taken seriously when you work with washed up has-beens like Steven Seagal?

Kevin- I'll stop you there! This has gone far enough Bernard-

Bernard- It's Bern-a-r-d-e and get off this stage, we are nearly ready to wrap up this interview

Erwin- What, how f---

Kevin- No Erwin that's fine, I'll handle this. Bolo, seize him!

[Bolo (the-Chinese-Fighter-actually-an-accounts-assistant from Bow) moves from behind Bernard and grabs his shoulders, holding him down]

Bernard- How dare y-

Kevin- SILENCE. I'm going to tell you about the real Steven Seagal!

You think you're clever Bernard. Well did you know that Steven Seagal's name is actually an anagram? And did you also know that anagrams can have mystical significance? Remember the mindblowing secrets from the Da Vinci Code [turns to audience] -an underated masterpiece-

Bernard- Ohmigod he's flipped, ladies and gentlemen: please leave the audatorium and alert the police!

Kevin- Quiet fool. [half crazed now] Now certain anagrams are also used by Jewish mystics--

Erwin- You're talking Kabbalah.

Kevin- Please Erwin, I'm explaining here! I'm saying once you change around the letters in peoples names, you arrive at hidden meanings, deep and meaningful meanings! Erwin, Everybody!, look at this name [points the remote control so the words flick up on a slide]

STEVEN SEAGAL

Now witness the rearrangement!!!![new words on screen]

AVENGES LEAST

Avenges! Least! Most of Seagal's films are about REVENGE you see,
don't you realise, even the Seagalmeister himself, with his CIA training doesn't fully grasp the deeper meaning, but when you mock him - a man who protects the ENVIRONMENT by the way -

[A picture flashes up on screen of Steven Seagal craddling a Panda]

You are mocking something larger than even movies!!

Erwin- Look, I think I'm going to have to get on a plane

Bernard- [Bolo holding his mouth] Mpphfff

Kevin- Erwin, I didn't bring Bolo here just because he looks cool. He's the main villain in my new script. It has a major explosion every 10 pages, and more importantly; it will bring you the respect Erwin J Breckenheuser deserves. I want you to prepare yourself for an action spectacular the likes of which Eastern Europe has never seen......I've been perfecting it for 3 years and it's for you Erwin, I give you [hands over a script]....

CITIZEN PAIN!

Erwin- Ok, you're clearly nuts but I'm a sucker for a great title.

kevin

OHP slide with "Lars von Trier: An Evening with Genius" CINEPHILE DISCUSSION CLUB

Kevin - unassuming in an anorak..

Evenin’

My name is Kevin. Kevin Spottesby. This is my night.

Firstly sorry to anyone expecting a normal cinephile discussion club. I thought we’d do something different. You see I always thought Cinephile discussion club was a ridiculous name for it. I mean who talks about "cinema" any more - and philia? that's just fucking wrong. Man. None of my crew I'll tell you that for nothing. Hopeless. When I first came here, Bernard was on his todd trying to host a discussion on Three Colours Blue, White, Purple whatever. Sorry. Bernard normally would be here. His was blimin' hopeless, women were talking over him, some mature students were shouting abuse at each other, it was right state. So I walked to the back of the room. Turned the lights off, and put on Red Sonja with Bridget Nielson! Well, some of them went quiet and then, all of a sudden everyone was laughing. They bloody loved it. And after an hour of poncy talk about feminism and role playing or something the club was properly up and running. I’ve been doing the clips ever since. Bernard thinks he's boss, choosing topics, always arthouse, always deadly serious but sometimes I screw him up. When I was supposed to cue up a clip from "The 3 Burials of Melquiades Estrada" and I *ahem* accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook. I mean what's the issue? Even if you read Sight and Sound, what would you rather see: Kelly Brook getting baps out in the water, or Tommie Lee Jones dragging a corpse around the desert? Don't make me laugh.

So tonight? I may come across as the quiet type. A nerd even. But while Bernard was jerking off to Howard's End and Steel Magnolia, I was on guerilla film maker course. I've actually done seven of them. He mocks me. Says what do I know, I work in insurance and edit clips in my spare time. Well I'm here to tell you that is going to change. You came here to Cinephile club to talk about that Danish ponce who spent two hours deciding whether to hang Bjork in that Abba musical. Never mind all that shite, for the first time in this club's so called history you will see an actual filmmaker tonight!. Yes, the man who directed Samural Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney will be right here, and Bernard is going to talk to him.

So take that piece of paper about Lars von Trier and this is what you can do with them. [rips it up]

Tonight we’re talking about real films with a proper shooter.

[POINTS HIS REMOTE CONTROL AT THE DVD/PROJECTOR UNIT AND CUES UP THE CURRENT SLIDE DISSOLVES LEAVING A 5 SECOND ACTION SCENE WITH FRANK ZAGARINO AND A HUGE EXPLOSION]


Bernard enters quickly eyes up the audience before confronting Kevin– [sotto supposedly so the audience can't hear]

Kevin, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

kevin

I always thought Cinephile discussion club was a ridiculous name for it. I mean who talks about "cinema" any more - none of my crew I'll tell you that for nothing. Hopeless. When I first came here, Bernard was on his todd trying to host a discussion on Three Colours Blue, White, Purple whatever. He's was blimin' hopeless, women were talking over him, some mature students were shouting abuse at each other, it was right state of affairs. So I walked to the back of the room. Turned the lights off. And put on Red Sonja with Bridget Nielson! Well, some of them went quiet and then, all of a sudden, everyone was laughing. They bloody loved it. And after an hour of poncy talk about feminism and "male gays" or something the club was proper established. Bernard was relieved and he got me to do the clips from then on. But he soon forget about how I saved his neck. I've been there 8 months now, showing his ludicrously ponced up films. And what thanks do I get? I get dog's abuse behind the scenes. Behind closed doors he isn't all Open University any more. He hit me round the head once when I was supposed to cue up a clip from "The 3 Burials of Melquiades Estrada" and I accidentally put on "3" with Kelly Brook. I mean what's the problem, even people who read Sight and Sound would rather see Kelly Brooks boobies over Tommie Lee Jones dragging a corpse around the desert. Bernard doesn't get it. And he doesn't get me either. He laughs at my dvd collection and says I know nothing about film. Me! I tell you this, I may come across as the quiet type but while he was jerking off to Howard's End and Shadow "bloody" lands, I was on guerilla film maker courses! Yes, Dov Simons, Raindance, the lot. And when he says "Don't make me laugh, you work in Insurance," he's dissing the time I spent working on a REAL film set with - and this is no word of a sodding lie - Dolph Lungren! The time I had with those Bulgarians and my walkie talkie is still an inspiration to me today. That's why I'm going have the last laugh. I've got some actors. And a shooting script! I got Erwin Brekenmeyer to Cinewankers club. That's right, THE Erwin Brekenmeyer who directed Samurai Tequila for $75,000 and a kidney! I have every one of his dvds, alphabetised and cross referenced for all the kick ass sequences. And when the time is right. When Bernard has bored Erwin to death with his namby pampy artistic shite questions, I'm going step in and make my pitch. Yeah I have some surprises in store for our Bernard, I have done my homework on our guest and with my clips and my talent: Kevin Spottesby is about to appear on the map!

stunt gag..

C- Well, I hope so, it's certainly been an eye opener for me. Now Erwin, I've logged on to the old interweb to swot up on your genre - the thing that fascinated me was the commitment of your cast. Doing their own stunts for example.

E- Not through choice. I remember throwing Frank Zagarino off a barn in '86. [Pause] Jesus we had to laugh. He broke his collar bone. But normally it's pretty safe. Close to the ground shit. You don't want to risk the kit. You know? Actors are usually have one-two hundred dollars worth of props. Three hundred if it's scifi. You wanna bill to replace that more than once in a shoot - I'm gonna break your balls.

The host's story (brian -we should give him name?)

Film club? Let me tell you about film club? Well if I was to say there's a rule to film club it would be - well it should be of course Don't talk about film club'? (beat) I don't need to explain do I? Rules yes. The real rule of our film club is anything goes. Seriously. European, art house, european art house, european art, house. I mean if your even the slightest bit interested in film...come. That's what I tell people who join. Actually I tend to tell people before they join.Like once, or twiceI might mention it at the student union. Please join I go. They roll their eyes. Jokingly. They come to expect it. So actually I'm breaking the first rule of not talking about film club. If you remember the reference. From. Well I won't spell it out.it was quite a famous film. With Brad Pitt. And Edward Norton and meat loaf. And helena bonham carter. Underused. Anyhow my film club. Yes. Where was I.Oh yes. We show a filmand then have a Q&A which I normally lead. it's very unusual for us to have a guest. I'm usually producer, writer, director and star of our little productions. You know. Some people would accuse me of taking over.But sometimes it wouldn't happen at all unless i stood up and was counted! It's a real battle to keep the audience figures up. I mean I'm selective. Some would say 'elitist' but i prefer the term 'collecting the like minded'. I mean I'll educate to a point, but sometimes. I mean take Kevin? Nice kid and thank the lord he's stopped going to roleplaying club. But he's into film for the technology..not the art, not the romance...he spent 'jean de florette' fiddling with his Scart leador some such nonsense. I mean. He can tell you where the dolly would have hung the key grip, but ask him to describe the mis-en-scene and he mumbles something about me being a ponse and goes back to his total film babes monthly. It's not wrong. It's just a shame you know?

Erwin? Yes he's kevin's idea> Now I don;t know what to make of him. He's been tremendously succesful. 97 films! All self produced. I can't say I've seen any of them,but I love auter's. So it will be nice to have a go at getting in his mind. I've read books of course - but to have a real film-maker in the flesh will be a fabulous opportunity. PerhapsI could get to the bottom of late Orson Wells with him?

After the break / howling like a grape

Presenter - Welcome back everybody, tonight we've been talking with Erwin Breckenhauser about his career in films. I apologise if anyone had questions prepared for the Lars Von Trier evening - you can post on the forum as normal, though no more abuse about Bjork please...

E- Don't apologise man, I think they're having a good time

C- Well, I hope so, it's certainly been an eye opener for me. Now Erwin, I've logged on to the old interweb to swot up on your genre - the thing that fascinated me was the commitment of your cast. Doing their own stunts for example.

E- Not through choice. I remember throwing Frank Zagarino off a barn in '86. [Pause] Jesus we had to laugh. He broke his collar bone. But normally it's pretty safe. Close to the ground shit. You don't want to risk the kit. You know? Actors are usually have one-two hundred dollars worth of props. Three hundred if it's scifi. You wanna bill to replace that more than once in a shoot - I'm gonna break your balls.

Kevin - ahem, ahem, COUGH, "Bridge of Dragons" in 1989, suspension bridge

P- yes thank you Kevin, we are not open to questions from the floor yet-

E-Actually, he's right, I had Oesophogitis for 4 weeks during filming so my associate Ernest Barbosa took over, and redid all the sequences, I never approved it and I've been trying to track down every last damn copy and burn them personally.

P-Right. Okay so you like your action scenes a certain way but what about the psychological strain your protogonists always go through, they never seem to come out the films unscathed?

E- Well....I studied acting when I was in my 20's. I went to some Method classes, tried hard, you know that kinda shit: Pretend you are a statue, howl like a wolf, be a piece of fruit......now howl like a grape, whatever and so forth. But you don't use any of that shit in the Direct to Video world. Depth? How deep is the fucking wound, that's all we need to know!

P- That's a charming world indeed!

E- Hell yeah, this is what it is, if a writer has a problem with a character. You know the kind of thing: he's just had amazing sex with Tiffany, with Jazz music, great tit coverage and so forth, how we now gonna believe this guy is gonna start crying afterwards? I always give the same advice: Cut to a Vietnam flashback and have him being tortured. In Black and White.

P- What if that scenario doesn't apply? Say if the film is set in the future?

E- They Killed his Brother.

P- Only child?

E- They Killed his partner.

Kevin - In Beyond Forgiveness, they killed his brother, his partner AND he was a vietnam vet, it was a tour de force Erwin

P- [mouth agape momentarily speechless]

E- That kid really knows my stuff

P- [sotto]That's enough Kevin, this is not a panel discussion or a bloody game show

Yes, sorry about that, let's get some decorum back into preceedings. Before we do open to the audience, can you tell us what you are working on at the moment?

[Kevin disappears out the back]

...

E - Yes I write most of my own scripts - writers are ok on the emotional stuff
but I have to re-write it to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

H - well we have a surprise for you Erwin - we've taken some of your dialogue and Cordelia from the dramatic society is going to have a crack at one of your most famous scenes.

[Stage lighting illuminates an actor speaking one of Erwins monologues in a cut scene]

[Her hands are behind his back, his is speaking intensely, from the heart to an unseen person]

Film actor - How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We were once inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. You were devasted and for me to bring you back it was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I'm telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

P - Erwin, that's...

E- Awful. Total dreck. I'm embrassed to be sitting her. (beat) She didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-li-wahtever the fuck your name is - call yourself an actress!! That's why I handpick who I work with. You have to be special to work with my dialogue

On Writing

Earlier in Act one

E - I used to write most of my scripts but with my stuff
well I could never get the emotional scenes just right, you know?
Actually some of the stuff I wrote was pretty bad, I have to say...

[Stage lighting illuminates an actor speaking one of Erwins monologues in a cut scene]

[His hands are behind his back, his is speaking intensely, from the heart to an unseen person]

Film actor - Why did you let me down. We were inseparable, I was there for
you after Bonnie left.It was me who helped you pick up the pieces man.
In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out emotionally, it was like [cut up]
I don't know man, rescuing a child from a buring caravan, and now we're here and I'm telling you........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!![raises a pistol as he says it]

Pause

P - Erwin, that's awful!

E- Yeah, total dreck. That's what we have writers for.
Plus someone has to be at the bottom of the pile, right! [chuckles]