K - Guns! Big fuck off guns!

All - huh?

K - Erwin you always make guns look amazing..

E - He's right. I love a good 'piece'

K - it's something we should probably talk about?

E - Absolutely..

From nowhere Kevin dramatically - magician like - reveals an M16.

K - Ladies and gentleman. M16A1 rifle, with the forward assist, "bird cage" flash hider. circa 1967. The most feared assault weapon of the US military. Professional handling of this was mission critical in 'naaam. And now. In the underworld. Countless criminals, terrorists and guerilla's use it to devastating effect. But until now - it has been a man's weapon.

There's a pause - then cordelia stage whispers.

Cordelia- I can't believe your doing this.

Kevin - go on. He'll be impressed.

Cordelia -Erwin.Knowing you like women (she gestures 'me') and guns (She is handed the gun) we - well Kevin thought you'd like to see me..strip and reassemble an M16 in under four minutes.

Erwin - yeah baby I'd love to see that.

Daisy - (suddenly being serious) I bet you I can do it in two.

Cordelia - You're not serious?

Daisy - sure I am.

Cordelia - this is ridiculous. Who are are you? Kevin asked me to be all action heroine for Erwin - and I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. I mean me? I'm an actress who went on the antiwar march. Not in my name. Bush and blair out out out. An M16? A Challenge? Sorry Kevin. It's just crazy.

Kevin - crazy? It's perfect. A challenge. Two women. Fighting for what they believe in.

Erwin - It's great. It's showbiz. It's. It's -

Bernard - going to end in disaster. Ladies and gentlemen..

Daisy - Are you guys going to keep talking or pass me that piece and watch me work.

Daisy pulls up her skirts unglamorously and squats on the floor soldier like - pointing the M16 down stage.

Daisy - Ready set..

Erwin - go on honey

Kevin - This is amazing

Ricardo - I can't watch

Cordelia - I'm an actress.

Bernard - I'm confused.

Daisy does something very impressive with the gun and finishes with a flourish

Daisy - Just something I picked up. In the movies.

Erwin (to cordelia) - your lucky sweet heart. The OTHER things daisy picked up in the movies would get you arrested.

Continuing

B - what are you going to do?

K - you'll see...now go...remember meal ticket..

retreats to his AV box

B - Right.Welcome to the second half folks. I'm so glad you came back. No really Iam. In the interval I've been pondering. Is there any depth at all to erwin J Bruckenheimer? Are his films just - well - his films or is there a more intelligent film maker at work beneath the surface. Way beneath.I intend to find out. And maybe find out - apparently - what he's doing next. So please welcome back erwin,

others follow

B - oh and daisy...and cordelia...hello...oh ricardo the - erm - dancer..

Ricardo - hellloooo berrrrnaaard

B - Choosing to ignore this and lets not forget pyjama boy ninja features in the corner.
long beat

Ladies and gentlemen. Erm. We have a panel.

The assembled crowd nod in appreciation.

act two

backstage

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. Instead of intelligent debate we're talking to this absurd man about his endless re-imaginatings of Rambo.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film Club! No one. We've probably emptied the place already, and I don't blame them. Yes, next month this slot will taken over by basket-weaving, or Gav's Creosote workshop, or whatever else they can find-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen, and besides you're not understanding what Erwin is-

Bernard- look up BULLSHIT ARTIST in the dictionary, Kevin!

Kevin- No, he's our meal ticket. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What do you mean?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits. Guess what he was saying to Daisy just a minute ago?

B- shrugs

K- He thinks you're talented, savvy or something like that, and he bet her you could put your film smarts into one of his projects.

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, why do think he gave me this business card for you?

B- I, I,

K- Listen, this is your night, you run the show, and I respect you for it. But otherwise, what's going on with your career? Writing sales pitches for stuff you don't give a toss about. Where are your bollocks mate? Do something!!!Life's not a rehearsal blah blah but seriously, what's it going to be, Bernard, more selling for other people or are you FINALLY going sell something of your own, produce a thing and, for chrisake maybe even get laid in the process?

B- half heartedly Erwin's got to you with all his gratuitous breasts-

K- No, you we can do something here tonight, you and I, you do your thing, I'll do mine. Or, maybe you want to go out there and tell EB, Daisy, Cordelia - who I think has a crush on you by the way - and our audience that you. Can't. Hack it?

B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Indulge Erwin when we go back out. Really let him go to town so that he's ready for a few little things I've been working on. Coz deep down I know he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren.

B- Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and find out what he is doing next.

Acting pissed

ACT TWO

Bernard's tie is loose and he is slouching with his fist under his chin. Erwin and Daisy sit opposite him, they both have champagne flutes. Cordelia, Kevin and Ricardo are sitting uncomfortably behind the AV controls. Bolo stands to the side of the stage - arms folded - he's either meditating or planning his next kill.

After the lights comeup...there's an uncomfortable pause...rather than speak Bernard unscrews a hipflask and has a nip...he goes to speak, but thinks better of it and has another nip of alcohol. After another pause Kevin prevents him from repeating the action in a cycle of confidence building by interjecting.
Kevin - Ahem - Bernard

Bernard - What oh, yes right - we should - you know - sod it - yes - welcome back EVERYONE (pointedly looking at the crowded corner disaprovingly) Where were we. Yes before the break we covered sex (nods at daisy) and violence (nods at Bolo) and the marvellous career of Erwin Breckenheimer trails off

Erwin. Cheers. raises glass, Daisy gigglesBernard - So I think we're done. Thank you everybody.

Everybody - No..

Kevin - you can't finish the night now Bernard. For g-d's sake we'd planned, I mean we haven't covered everything.

B- Actually I think we have. Covered ourselves in shame and proved that this man takes all that's beautiful and makes it look cheap and

K - Guns! Big fuck off guns!

All - huh?

K - Erwin you always make guns look amazing..

E - He's right. I love a good 'piece'

K - it's something we should probably talk about?

E - Absolutely..

From nowhere Kevin dramatically - magician like - reveals an M16.

K - Ladies and gentleman. M16A1 rifle, with the forward assist, "bird cage" flash hider. circa 1967. The most feared assault weapon of the US military. Professional handling of this was mission critical in 'naaam. And now. In the underworld. Countless criminals, terrorists and guerilla's use it to devastating effect. But until now - it has been a man's weapon.


Cordelia - initially reluctantly takes the weapon however ash she repeats the charlies angel routine she gets more into it..

Cordelia - Erwin I'm a big fan of yours as you know. And I would like to show you exactly how by personally and professionally handling this big, hot, throb -

Bernard - Cordy ! What in god's name? He has another big drink..

Cordelia - Relax Bernard - I'm playing with the notion of my sexual self.

Bernard - not during my film night you're not..

Roller skating Ninja clip

Kevin- Bernard? would you like to ask Erwin about that clip..? Maybe about the choreography. About his thoughts on modern dance?

Bernard - yes. yes I will. Surprisingly graceful. (trys to thinkof a better question, but can't) Do you have an opinion on modern movement - choreography - dance ?

Erwin - Modern dance..?

Kevin and Cordelia and bollo lean in to listen with interest

Erwin continues - I love it..

Bollo reacts - silently gutted

Erwin goes on - Don't understand what the frick is going on half the time - but guys doing cool stuff with chicks in lycra - hell that's the business I'm in. All that leaping about to music. I'm all for it.

Kevin - great question bernard.I'm delighted to hear you like modern dance Erwin because...we've - well bollo - has prepared a piece for you that combines violence and mayhem with a something a little more cultural.

Kevin puts some music on - forcing bollo to dance.
Bernard lets the ridiculousnoess continue for a couple of moments - before losing his rag.

Bernard - Bollo what the fuck are you doing? You're not a modern dancer - your not even a ninja- you work in insurance, you toy with buddism and you've been to precisely two Tai-kwondo lessons, which I hasten to add - you found a bit too scary because everybody was shouting. Well I'm shouting now bollo? What's going on?

Bollo remains strong and silent

Bernard - cordelia? Kevin? Anybody?

ACT TWO

Bernard's tie is loose and he is slouching rather than sitting. Erwin and Daisy sit with him - Cordelia, Kevin and Ricardo are sitting uncomfortably behind the AV controls. Bollo stands to the side of the stage - arms folded - he's either meditating or planning who he will kill next.

After the lights comeup...there's an uncomfortable pause till Kevin takes charge.

Kevin - Ahem - Bernard

Bernard - What oh yes right - we should - you know - fuck - yes - welcome back EVERYONE (pointedly looking at the crowded corner disaprovingly) Where were we.Yes before the break we covered sex (nods at daisy) and violence (nods at bollo)

Erwin. Yes.

Bernard - So I think we're done. Thank you evetybody.

Everybody - No..

Kevin - you can't finish the night now bernard. We'd planned, I mean we haven't covered everything. Cordelia. Do that thing.

Cordelia - now?

Kevin - you going to love it.

Cordelia - but..ok

She goes through the charlies angel routine again.

Erwin - I'm a big fan of yours as you know. And wouldlike to show you how you've inspired me personally and professionally. Perhaps you'll let me show you exactly how (beat) by stripping and cleaning an M16 in under four minutes.

From nowhere Kevin dramatically - magician like - reveals an M16.

Kevin - Ladies and gentleman. M16A1 rifle, with the forward assist, "bird cage" flash hider. circa 1967. The most feared assault weapon of the US military.

Bernard - Kevin..

Kevin - (ignoring Bernard) professional handling of this was mission critical in 'naaam. And now. In the underworld. Countless criminals, terrorists and guerilla's use it to devastating effect. But until now - it has been a man's weapon.

during this speech cordelia has been changing costume - gone the black - underneath she has been wearing the string vest and combat pants of tomb raider. She chooses this moment to adopt the 'acting pose' Kevin hands her the M16

Bernard - Cordelia? Not in our name? The march? What on earth are you doing?

Kevin - shh bernard you're ruining it.

Bernard - It kevin? It? Ruining what?

Cordelia has dismantled the M16

Kevin - The - erm - show? Look Erwin. Cordelia's quite handy with guns - and quite foxy isn't she?

Erwin - I guess so.

Daisy - sure - look at those knockers..you go girlfriend!!

Kevin - that's the spirit daisy - bollo?

Bollo remains enigmatically silent

Cordelia - I'm done! You mo fo's.

everyone applauds except Bernard

Bernard - Kevin perhaps you would like to explain to the audience what that was all about?

Kevin - no time. We have another clip lined up.

ACT TWO

Bernard's tie is loose and he is slouching rather than sitting. Erwin and Daisy sit with him - Cordelia, Kevin and Ricardo are sitting uncomfortably behind the AV controls. Bollo stands to the side of the stage - arms folded - he's either meditating or planning who he will kill next.

After the lights comeup...there's an uncomfortable pause till Kevin takes charge.

Kevin - Ahem - Bernard

Bernard - What oh yes right - we should - you know - fuck - yes - welcome back EVERYONE (pointedly looking at the crowded corner disaprovingly) Where were we.Yes before the break we covered sex (nods at daisy) and violence (nods at bollo)

Erwin. Yes.

Bernard - So I think we're done. Thank you evetybody.

Everybody - No..

Kevin - you can't finish the night now bernard. We'd planned, I mean we haven't covered everything. Cordelia. Do that thing.

Cordelia - now?

Kevin - you going to love it.

Cordelia - but..ok

She goes through the charlies angel routine again.

Erwin - I'm a big fan of yours as you know. And wouldlike to show you how you've inspired me personally and professionally. Perhaps you'll let me show you exactly how (beat) by stripping and cleaning an M16 in under four minutes.

Erwin- The truth is I've had some bad luck lately. To be honest guys it's more like my shitty judgement has come back to bite me on the ass. yaa did yaadida...people. Go figure, They sucked me up and chewed me out(getting dramatic) I used to be the man the best,and so they took advantage. Used me and abused me. I stayed big, but the pictures got small. They know nothing about film. Nothing I tell you. Not about me or mywork. (choking up) They were..I don't know...

beat

Bernard - (Helpfully) Bad actors?
Kevin - Backers?
Bernard - producers?
Kevin -scientologists?

Erwin - I can't afford scientology. I'm a bum.

Bernard- But come on Erwin, surely you have other projects ready, and finance in place?

Erwin- This is what I'm trying to tell you! I'm broke! After pursyading me to do something hideous with my career my financiers got busted for tax evasion!

Bernard - hideous? What on earth -

E- A film that mattered. With issues. Starring Chuck Norris. I don't want to talk about it.


Kevin - I respect that. What happened.

E - It's just too painful. Too embarassing. I shouldn't have listened. I was compromised. I'm not sure it ever got released.

Cordelia from the back - might it be this tape? Chuck Norris movie. Kevin?

Erwin - oh my god.

Cordelia - Chuck Norris Movie. The best clip ever. Exclamation mark Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark. In your handwriting Kevin.

Kevin - Really? I'm not sure -

Erwin - you have the film ruined my career...and you've used extreme punctuation. You were going to show it?

Kevin - I I I -

Cordelia - Do I just press play?

Bernard - yes...Cordelia...yes you do..

Erwin- The truth is I've had some bad luck lately.
Well to be honest guys it's more like my shitty judgement has come back to bite me on the ass. Like for example, I had a deal lined up for an amazing Frank Stallone jungle pic but I kinda upset Frank, and he walked.

Kevin- What can you possibly say to make Frank Stallone turn down work?

Erwin- Well, aha, ah it's gonna sound ridicoulous now, but the guy went all "Cape Fear" on me at the time. So, we were doing the barbecue thing, some producers were there, martinis yada yada yada, and so we're getting blasted and talking about how none of us look the way we did when we were 22, you know, and I just turned to Frank and said: while you mention it, your brother, Sly is looking a bit strange these days, y'er know, like a tomato with a wig on!

beat

He didn't take too kindly, and there was some actual violence. You'd think a family that produced Stop or my Mom will shoot could take a joke. It's all in the past now, oi


Bernard- But come on Erwin, surely you have other projects ready, and finance in place?

Erwin- This is what I'm trying to tell you! I've upset too many action heroes! My financiers got busted for tax evasion! Just when my credibility was at rock bottom I was hitting the bottle and ideas came in to my head and I gave in to one of them-

Bernarde- Not Scientology, Erwin, no

E- Noooo, you schmuck, this is far worse!

K-You with friends and fans here you can tell us.

E - the final nail in the coffin was the Chuck Norris picture. but I don't want to talk about it.

Kevin - I respect that. What happened.

E - It's just too painful. Too embarassing. I shouldn't have listened. I was compromised. I'm not sure it ever got released.

Cordelia from the back - might it be this tape? Chuck Norris movie. Kevin?

Erwin - oh my god.

Cordelia - Chuck Norris Movie. The best clip ever. Exclamation mark Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark. In your handwriting Kevin.

Kevin - Really? I'm not sure -

Erwin - you have the film ruined my career...and you've used extreme punctuation. You were going to show it?

Kevin - I I I -

Cordelia - Do I just press play?

Bernard - yes...Cordelia...yes you do..

E - the final nail in the coffin was the chuck norris picture. but I don't want to talk about it.

Kevin - I respect that. What happened.

E - It's just too painful. Too embarassing. I shouldn't have listened. I was compramised. I'm not sure it ever got released.

Cordelia from the back - might it be this tape? Chuck Norris movie. Kevin?

Erwin - oh my god.

Cordelia - Chuck Norris Movie. The best clip ever. Exclamation mark Exclamation mark. Exclamation mark. In your handwriting Kevin.

Kevin - Really? I'm not sure -

Erwin - you have the film ruined my career...and you've used extreme punctuation. You were going to show it?

Kevin - I I I -

Cordelia - Do I just press play?

Bernard - yes...Cordelia...yes you do..

Erwin- The truth is I've had some bad luck lately.
Well to be honest guys a string of bad decisions have come back to bite me on the ass. Like for example, I had a deal lined up for an amazing Frank Stallone jungle pic but I kinda insulted his brother.

Kevin- What can you possibly say to make Frank Stallone turn down work?

Erwin- Well, we were getting blasted and I just said Sly was looking very strange these days, like a tomato with a wig on.

Bernard- Erwin you're a card, but surely you have other projects ready, and finance in place?

Erwin- Mmm. There's a problem with our financiers. The ones that aren't in state prison, well they've blacklisted me.

B- Why, you seem so persuasive and full of ideas?

Erwin- If you must know, it was one certain pitch and a production that went to the shitter.

Kevin- What was the pitch, oh go on Erwin?

B- Yes Erwin, you're with friends here.

E- Okay Ok, but let me give you background. I've been exploring and trying to resolve
religious issues in my life and looking to enhance my spiritual self so to speak. So anyway I read about a group of dedicated assassins who live by a moral code higher than even the Samurai of old.

K- Wo man

E-Yeah, but the problem is: I don't know if the world is ready for Hassidic Ninjas: they strike with deadly speed. and then they eat.

beat

B- Your money men shunned you for that?

E- Well almost, the final nail was the Chuck Morris film I showed Kevin in the break.

K- I thought that was cool.

E- They thought I was on crack. Or a Scientologist.

...

Erwin - THAT's the reason you invited me.

Kevin - Erm
Bernard - He's a film maker
Kevin - I trained
Bernard - for a week
Kevin - it was intensive
Bernard - there's a script
Kevin - an idea
Bernard - he needs backing
Kevin - mentoring
Bernard - to the tune of 20 grand
Kevin - 19,750 give or take

Erwin - guys guys guys..I'm broke. broke, broke, broke. Completely. I couldn't be more broke unless I was a gay cowboy up a mountain.

Bernard - but,
Kevin, I mean how?

Bernard. Chuck 'help me save the planet' Norris.

Kevin I'm sorry?

Bernard - chuck norris? saving the planet?

Erwin - I know who wants to see that? Nobody. That's who. Erwin loses his shirt. I learned a very important lesson about the movie business on that shoot i can tell you.

SCENE TWO ???

End of bad dialogue clip

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.

E- Too right Bernaaard. There IS nothing like it. Rock and fucking roll

B- Quite.

E – So what would you like to ask me you old mucker you?

B – I thought we could – if we may – start with a discussion – in the widest sense - of your genre?

E- -I don't do French. Once had a date take me to watch Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during that movie. If you pass water more than once at a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just the smoke and mirrors of action. There’s a thing called ‘truth’ What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures. What of the beauty of the human condition?

E- Exactly. What of them?

B- (meekly) You're not really getting this are you?

pause

Let me put it this way - don't you ever get fed up of just blowing things up.

E- Just blowing things up!!! My god bernarrd – were you not watching. Sure, my flicks are pure adrenaline, but there is so much more to them! Anyone can blow shit up, but I, Erwin J Breckenheimer do it in a way that touches people right here. (he touches his chest)

B- So – art is important to you.?

E- Absolutely. You see I understand that between random violence and total mayhem you need a bit of – what would you call it – poetry. You see I don't do gratuitous, I do light and shade, so every breast and every explosion has be justified by character. That’s why I write all my own scripts.

B - I didn't realise.

E - Right. I compose it all. Well I control it all – I don’t actually do much writing these days. But I’m in command. Writers are ok but I have to re-do it with my own spin to get it just perfect, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting and stepping centre stage Ahem.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my.... raises his beer bottle

At the side

K - Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect. Now seems like the right time.

B - I read your note.

K- It's all right, Cordelia is going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get to understand how he works, now get back to it, for Chrissake.

B- I.You. Kevin S.. this is a truly dreadful idea, but....ok. We'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we, well Kevin, have a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress – Cordelia from the drama society – to join us and give us a rendition from one of your scripts, then maybe you can talk us through your process as a film maker. We'd be seeing your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheimer, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise. Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We used to be inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you; it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. And after those brutes found where you had hidden your sweetheart, the mother of your children, you were devastated, so for me to bring you back from the brink was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Total dreck. I'm embrassed for you. (beat) Honey you didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweekcakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In this scene you need to seg-way from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds flat. You gotta nail it. slaps fist into palm of his hand for emphasis

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things to show you?.

Long beat

Bernard - Thank you Cordelia. Right. Erwin I think we’ll push on now.Cordelia looks awkward Cordelia, I think Kevin might need some help with his – erm – things.

Cordelia - it’s just..

Bernard – Like a teacher Cordelia

Cordelia – but

Bernard. Help. Kevin. Please.

Cordelia stifling back a tear Ok.

Cordelia runs to the back of the stage

Bernaard – So Erwin

Erwin – Bernard – Stage whisper are you banging her? I bet you are you old dog you.

Bernaard – No, Who do you –

Erwin interrupting But she’s an actress Bernard…get with the programme. Hang on. Out to the auditorium Daisy? Excuse me Bernard. Daisy. Daisy you out there honey?

Daisy – whiny voice from the audience …Sure I'm here Erwin baby..

Erwin - Daisy – you’re an actress. Should Bernard bang cordy pants?

Bernard – Oh my god..

Daisy – you’re a cute guy Bernard. Shifting to cordelia Cor-deee-lieee-aa my poppet - sugar - you could do worse darlin' no offence but you know you could liven the look up a little - black - yawwwn..

Erwin – come up here Daisy - is that alright Bernard. Rest easy – we’re only having a laugh (beat) But you should think about it.

Flustered Bernard chooses to ignore Erwin who Daisy perches next to

Bernard - So erm Daisy tell us about yourself.

Erwin – Bernaard. This is Daisy Spears. She’s the the greatest Bernarrd…Kevin have we got a clip of Daisy?

Kevin – I think so, but I -

Erwin – Stick it on Kev

Kevin – It’s just I’m not sure -

Erwin – I’m sure people would love it..

Kevin – I don’t really

Erwin – play it

Kevin – Bernard? I really think we need to

Erwin – Play the goddamn clip Kevin

Bernard – Play it. What could possibly go wrong?

We see a minute of erotic drama

Bernard - interrupting Erm. Sorry to interrupt. I’m not sure we need to see that. Besides Daisy, I couldn't help noticing: that er, that wasn't you.
Daisy - Sure. Never heard of a body double.
Bernard - but -
Daisy - Erwin said It was better that way. With her being my body double. For the sex. And the stunt scenes. And the scenes when I was talking to other people and stuff.
Bernard - Daisy? Are you actually in the film?
Erwin Interjecting The thing you have to remember was I am twice Daisy's age and she was having sex with me during the production.
Bernard - You told her she was in the movie.
Erwin -And she is.
Daisy - In spirit. Ain't that right Erwin baby?
Bernard - You people are incredible
Daisy and Erwin - Thanks bernaard.
Erwin - you're kinda cool too. I'm having a good time. I love London. You're all great. And what with Daisy here it's turning itno quite a night. So what did you want to ask about next?
Bernard - well I suppose it would be remiss of me not to mention the women who are actually in your movies.
Erwin - Gorgeous aren't they. I've used more silicone than silicone valley.
Bernard - that's what I'm talking about - you do tend to objectify the actresses in your movies.
Erwin - and?
Bernard - I want to talk to you about Misogeny
Erwin - Never worked with her. Wasn't she boning Jacky Chan in the 80's?
Bernard - No Erwin, I talking about misogeny; sexism?
Erwin - Sexism?
Bernard - your roles for women aren't -
Erwin - Let me tell you abo -
Bernard - [forceful]no...no...NO....Erwin .....let me finish my question: the characterisation in your movies isn't exactly empowering for women?
Erwin - They're powerful.They are fully weaponised; guns, grenades, ammo belts. What do you mean?

Bernard - Let me ask you this. Do you like your female characters?

Erwin - (stroking daisy's knee who is listening patiently) I love them. My camera makes love to them (he catches cordelia's eye who is flustered - Erwin is quite good looking in a rough diamond way - but no she can't flirt!! - not with his type!!)

Bernard - Not exactly the point I was making. How else can i put this?

Erwin - No no. I get it. I've had this before. Somehow because I make films for guys I'm anti-women, old fashioned dated, a sexist pig. Am I right? That's what you're all thinking? Look at your pretty little faces. But you're wrong see. Even though I'm in the biz, hey blowjobs in the trailer fahgeddaboutit-we've all been there, its almost a union thing, but even so you've misjudged me. I admire women. I 'get' you. Don't think just because I hang out with air headed blondes I'm somehow can't accept intelligent powerful women. Hell I even married a couple of them. Ok those pair of meshiganas can rot in hell with the two houses they screwed out of me - Sorry- but you know I'm not insensitive. Ladies. I can be sweet. I watch Kate Winslet movies,
I take my spaniels for walks on the beach. If am naked will you not give me shelter. I want to be loved and not just in the action genre. That's all I want.

Bernard - I'm sure

Erwin - So I get angry when I'm accused of sexism. Angry you hear! But you know what I do with my anger. The rage? With the pain? Do you? Do you think I shout and scream? Do you think I spout my mouth off? No way Shirley. I channel my anger. Channel it. I focus. I pull the negative energy kicking and screaming into my art. I take it all and I make it live! Live as cinematic magic. That's how Erwin sorts out his beefs - oh yes - So what did I do in the 70's? When sexism was all the rage? Everything was Anti-fucking-woman? Yaa-di-daa. I didn't go on a march. I didn't burn any bras. Go on any marches. Christ no. Not me baby.: I sat down and pondered, considered. Listened. Yeah I listened and I put everything into a script. I moulded a narrative that expressed everything I felt about women, and that showed - right up there on the screen - what women can do in our society, in our times. A movie that - hey - maybe even today we might learn something from. Kevin?

Terminator Woman

Bernard – Kevin can I have a quick word. Kevin this is the worse night of my life. All I want to do is get through this without killing anyone.

There is a scream off and the screen to the side of the stage bursts open as a Ninja flies like a striking cobra through it. Stage left someone has set up two blocks with a piece of balsa wood suspended between them. The ninja sprints up the block before landing a shattering blow. He then goes through a couple of fearsome Karate moves with a side-splitting scream.

Bernard- KEVIN…

Kevin. entering casually Hi Bolo. You made it. To bernard you remember Bolo from the Modern Buddism in practice class. I thought I'd invite him along. Erwin likes ninjas.

Bernard - Bolo, welcome. take a seat, the more the merrier, thanks so much for the demonstration – perhaps next time you’d like to actually MAIM someone perhaps rip out their beating heart from their chests, AND Erwin as we have checked the gratutious violence box, maybe you’d like to have sex, Cordelia let’s see your breasts. Why not! We seem to be strangers to decency..

Kevin – chastising Bernard

Bernard You’re right kevin. I know relax, rock and fucking roll, On with the show. Ladies and Gentlemen despite admitting an homicidal maniac to the stage we are on track to take questions from the floor in few minutes. Sorry about everything, and once again, I'd like to apoligize to anyone who was expecting a Lars Von Trier discussion-

E- Don't apologise man, I think we're all having a good time!

C- Well, quite, Let's hope so. Now Erwin, Kevin has given me some of the reviews your films have garnered with me. Ahem "A tawdry pornographer with the style of Liberace at a car boot sale," ? "We've seen styro-foam cups with more charisma thank Frank Zagarino, he performs like he has been stunned by falling masonry." Harsh words – how do you respond?

E- Pah. I laugh. Let me tell you. These reviewers, they're jerking off in the dark, is all, Project Cybermen III with Frank collected $870,000 on the first weekend in Hong Kong. Period.

B- Right, be that as it may, in general, you don’t get recognised for the
depth your work. Is this a source of regret for you?

E- Not really. Listen I was into ‘depth’ when I was young. I went to Book groups and method classes, tried hard, took it so seriously my butt hurt. Howl like a wolf, be a piece of fruit......now howl like a grape and peel like a bitch. Deep? How deep is the fucking wound, that's all my audience want to know! I always give the same advice. If in doubt: Cut to a Vietnam flashback and have him being tortured. In Black and White.

B- Always? What if that doesn't apply? Say if the film is set in the future?

E- They killed his brother

B- An only child

E- They Killed his partner.

Kevin - In Beyond Forgiveness, they killed his brother, his partner AND he was a vietnam vet, it was a tour de force Erwin

B- [mouth agape momentarily speechless]

E- That kid really knows my stuff

B- [sotto]That's enough Kevin, this is not bloody game show. So, Any questions from the floor.

Ricardo- Me Me Me Me pick Me Me Me! Erwin Baby you wanna see me dance !?? Boom - chicka - boom - chicka - aye aye aye!!

Bernard - Right that's it, this is totally ridiculous, there is absolutely zero merit in these films, there is more cultural content in my sock drawer. The evening’s been hijacked by ninja’s and nacy boys. I think we'll have to wrap up the interview here and now. Ladies and Gents-

Erwin- Hey don't knickers in a twist little man.

Kevin- That's right, I'm stepping in here Barnard-

B- I won't let you destroy East Dulwich Film Club with this imbecility!

K- Sit down Bernard! Take your medication. Just wait for the second half, wait to you all see what we have lined up, we have clips that will just blow everyones minds, AND we have a special guest who will take the whole evening to the next level!

B- Oh no its not Dolph Lungren is it?

Erwin- Hey, nobody fucks with Dolph Lungren!!! I mean we're not speaking right now but the man is like a Greek God, Oddesius or som'thing like that.

B- oh god oh god oh god please make it stop, they come here, they all come here, how do they find me?

Kevin- Ladies and Gents we WILL be back after a break of 15 minutes and after Bernard has been given a calming drink. Thanks very much.

Erwin- Where's the bar?

END OF ACT ONE

quick idea sketch out

we have all that good stuff about Bernard getting riled, then
we show Terminator Woman and he gets despondent for the climax to Act one


Bernard- Right that's it, this is totally ridiculous, there is absolutely zero merit in these films, there is more cultural content in my sock drawer. I think we'll have to wrap up the interview here and now. Ladies and Gents-

Erwin- Hey don't knickers in a twist little man.

Kevin- That's right, I'm stepping in here Barnard-

B- I won't let you destroy East Dulwich Film Club with this imbecility!

K- Sit down Bernarde! Take your medication. Just wait for the second half, wait to you all see what we have lined up, we have clips that will just blow everyones minds, AND we have a special guest who will take the whole evening to the next level!

B- Oh no its not Dolph Lungren is it?

Erwin- Hey, nobody fucks with Dolph Lungren!!! I mean we're not speaking right now but the man is like a Greek God, Oddesius or som'thing like that.

B- oh god oh god oh god please make it stop, they come here, they all come here, how do they find me?

Kevin- Ladies and Gents we WILL be back after a break of 15 minutes and after Bernard has been given a calming drink. Thanks very much.

Erwin- Where's the bar?

lights down

Ricardo - I understand. Eez gay night - I like gay night !!

Kevin - forcefully Gay night? Does it look like gay night!

Ricardo - referring to picture of JCVD. Yees. Oh I get it. Not your type no. I too like skinny men.

Kevin - What are you talking about?

Ricardo - He's a big man. muscles. theatrically Oh no. He break little Ricardo. Heelp! He's a -

Kevin - interupting An action star! A star of action movies! NOT GAY!

Ricardo - OK. if you say so..mon amis...so we're in the wrong room..yes?

small amend: JC's picture is up from the start but the dancers don't notice so we can view the famous Belgian and the latin dancing as our opening


Lights up.

A community college room.

At the back hang a projection screen onto which the vision of
Jean Claude Van Damme is projected.

Three dancers burst in from the back of the stage.

One blonde lady.
One brunette.
One young man with latin features.

A Kaleidoscopic light switches on. Pounding latin american jazz music plays the song Soca Mi Nice by Mongo Santamaria

Elaborate, frisky dance sequence.

I like the way this is going - building on the pressure for bernard - having him crack - I'm actually wondering if this climax is a better end of act one?

Bernard - Bolo, welcome. take a seat, the more the merrier, thanks so much for the demonstration – perhaps next time you’d like to actually MAIM someone perhaps rip out their beating heart from their chests, AND Erwin as we have checked the gratutious violence box, maybe you’d like to have sex, Cordelia let’s see your breasts. Why not! We seem to be strangers to decency..

Kevin – chastising Bernard

Bernard You’re right kevin. I know relax, rock and fucking roll, On with the show. Ladies and Gentlemen despite admitting an homicidal maniac to the stage we are on track to take questions from the floor in few minutes. Sorry about everything, and once again, I'd like to apoligize to anyone who was expecting a Lars Von Trier discussion-

E- Don't apologise man, I think we're all having a good time!

C- Well, quite, Let's hope so. Now Erwin, Kevin has given me some of the reviews your films have garnered with me. Ahem "A tawdry pornographer with the style of Liberace at a car boot sale," ? "We've seen styro-foam cups with more charisma thank Frank Zagarino, he performs like he has been stunned by falling masonry." Harsh words – how do you respond?

E- Pah. I laugh. Let me tell you. These reviewers, they're jerking off in the dark, is all, Project Cybermen III with Frank collected $870,000 on the first weekend in Hong Kong. Period.

B- Right, be that as it may, in general, you don’t get recognised for the
depth your work. Is this a source of regret for you?

E- Not really. Listen I was into ‘depth’ when I was young. I went to Book groups and method classes, tried hard, took it so seriously my butt hurt. Howl like a wolf, be a piece of fruit......now howl like a grape and peel like a bitch. Deep? How deep is the fucking wound, that's all my audience want to know! I always give the same advice. If in doubt: Cut to a Vietnam flashback and have him being tortured. In Black and White.

B- Always? What if that doesn't apply? Say if the film is set in the future?

E- They killed his brother

B- An only child

E- They Killed his partner.

Kevin - In Beyond Forgiveness, they killed his brother, his partner AND he was a vietnam vet, it was a tour de force Erwin

B- [mouth agape momentarily speechless]

E- That kid really knows my stuff

B- [sotto]That's enough Kevin, this is not bloody game show. So, Any questions from the floor.

Ricardo- Me Me Me Me pick Me Me Me! Erwin Baby you wanna see me dance !?? Boom - chicka - boom - chicka - aye aye aye!!

Bernard - Aaaaarghhhhh!

END OF ACT ONE

Bernard - sitting alone - to himself right. We do this by the book. Just Ask the questions. I need to focus. Think Newsnight. That's it. Professional control and no surprises.

There is a scream off and the screen to the side of the stage bursts open as a Ninja flies like a striking cobra through it. Stage left someone has set up two blocks with a piece of balsa wood suspended between them. The ninja sprints up the block before landing a shattering blow. He then goes through a couple of fearsome Karate moves with a side-splitting scream.

Bernard- KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Kevin. entering casually Hi Bolo. You made it. To bernard you remember Bolo from the Modern Buddism in practice class. I thought I'd invite him along. Erwin likes ninjas.

Erwin enters - a bit drunk - with Daisy and Cordelia either side of him - Cordelia has unbuttoned her blouse a little and let her hair down.

Erwin - Bernard, Kevin, Howdy. Fuck me. Whose your friend with the pyjamas!

Bernard - Breathe Bernard. Stay focused. What would Paxman do? Yeaas
Bolo, if you could put your pieces of wood away and take a seat, thanks so much for the demonstration. sotto directed at Kevin Kevin, any more or your stunts are I'll have you banned, capice?

With John Cleese-like officiousnessLadies and Gentlemen despite admitting an homicidal maniac to the stage we are on track to take questions from the floor in few minutes. Sorry about all the Sturm und Drang, and once again, I'd like to apoligize to anyone who was expecting a Lars Von Trier discussion-

E- Don't apologise man, I think we're all having a good time!

C- Well, quite, Let's hope so. Now Erwin, I've logged on in the break and read some the reviews your films have gathered. How do you respond when someone like the Seattle Enquirer calls you a "A tawdry pornographer with all the style of Liberace at a car boot sale," and the Edgeware and Mill Hill Times said of your lead actor, Frank Zagorino, "We've seen styro-foam cups with more charisma, he performs like he has been stunned by falling masonry."

E- You can't print shit like that, surely! These reviewers, they're jerking off in the dark, is all, Project Cybermen III with Frank collected $870,000 on the first weekend in Hong Kong. Period.

B- Right, be that as it may, in general, your actors don't get recognised for their performances. Is this a source of regret for you?

E- Not really. Understand this, I'm not a dummy. I have other types of projects I wanna do, be they musicals or historical pieces, but we all need income. Mine is from straight to video. You have to know your audience for this stuff. Depth? How deep is the fucking wound, that's all we need to know!

P- It seems.

E- Hell yeah, this is what it is, you have your staple ways of managing a Straight-to-video story. I'm giving you gems here Barnaarde. You know the kind of problem: Brad's just been with Tiffany and now, for the plot, he gotta bare his soul for the dialogue scene next to the jacuzzi. How we now gonna believe this awesome killer is actually capable of crying? I always give the same advice: Cut to a Vietnam flashback and have him being tortured. In Black and White.

B- What if that scenario doesn't apply? Say if the film is set in the future?

E- They Killed his Brother.

B- Only child?

E- They Killed his partner.

Kevin - In Beyond Forgiveness, they killed his brother, his partner AND he was a vietnam vet, it was a tour de force Erwin.

B- [mouth agape momentarily speechless]

E- That kid really knows my stuff

B- [sotto]That's enough Kevin, this is not bloody game show

Ricardo- I liike Game shows! Fantastice! Erwin baby I can dance, probably better than pyjama man over there!

Bolo stands up and folds him arms.

Bernard - sitting alone - to himself right. We do this by the book. Just Ask the questions. I need to focus. Think Newsnight. That's it. Professional control and no surprises.

There is a scream off and the screen to the side of the stage bursts open as a Ninja flies like a striking cobra through it. He lands with his fist a gnat's nadger away from Bernard's face.

Kevin. entering casually Hi Bollo. You made it. To bernard you remember Bollo from the Modern Buddism in practice class. I thought I'd invite him along. Erwin likes ninjas.

Erwin enters - a bit drunk - with Daisy and Cordelia either side of him - Cordelia has unbuttoned her blouse a little and let her hair down.

Erwin - Bernard, Kevin, Howdy. FUck me. Whose your friend with the pyjamas!

Bernard - Breathe Bernard. Stay focused. What would Paxman do? Yeaas

Start of act two

A Ninja is at work as the audience take their seats. In full regalia the ninja is practicing / showing off his moves. Punch. Kick. Punch. Roundhouse. Punch. Kick.

Kevin and Bernard enter in a fluster - mid conversations.

Bernard - right. We do this by the book. Just Ask the questions. I need to focus. Think Paxman. That's it. Paxman. Calm, control and no surprises.

He is nearlly hit in the face by a stray Fist of Fury

Kevin. Hi Bollo. You made it!

SCENE TWO ???

End of bad dialogue clip

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.

E- Too right Bernaaard. There IS nothing like it. Rock and fucking roll

B- Quite.

E – So what would you like to ask me you old mucker you?

B – I thought we could – if we may – start with a discussion – in the widest sense - of your genre?

E- -I don't do French. Once had a date take me to watch Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during that movie. If you pass water more than once at a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just the smoke and mirrors of action. There’s a thing called ‘truth’ What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures. What of the beauty of the human condition?

E- Exactly. What of them?

B- (meekly) You're not really getting this are you?

pause

Let me put it this way - don't you ever get fed up of just blowing things up.

E- Just blowing things up!!! My god bernarrd – were you not watching. Sure, my flicks are pure adrenaline, but there is so much more to them! Anyone can blow shit up, but I, Erwin J Breckenheimer do it in a way that touches people right here. (he touches his chest)

B- So – art is important to you.?

E- Absolutely. You see I understand that between random violence and total mayhem you need a bit of – what would you call it – poetry. You see I don't do gratuitous, I do light and shade, so every breast and every explosion has be justified by character. That’s why I write all my own scripts.

B - I didn't realise.

E - Right. I compose it all. Well I control it all – I don’t actually do much writing these days. But I’m in command. Writers are ok but I have to re-do it with my own spin to get it just perfect, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting and stepping centre stage Ahem.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my.... raises his beer bottle

At the side

K - Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect. Now seems like the right time.

B - I read your note.

K- It's all right, Cordelia is going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get to understand how he works, now get back to it, for Chrissake.

B- I.You. Kevin S.. this is a truly dreadful idea, but....ok. We'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we, well Kevin, have a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress – Cordelia from the drama society – to join us and give us a rendition from one of your scripts, then maybe you can talk us through your process as a film maker. We'd be seeing your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheimer, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise. Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We used to be inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you; it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. And after those brutes found where you had hidden your sweetheart, the mother of your children, you were devastated, so for me to bring you back from the brink was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Total dreck. I'm embrassed for you. (beat) Honey you didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweekcakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In this scene you need to seg-way from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds flat. You gotta nail it. slaps fist into palm of his hand for emphasis

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things to show you?.

Long beat

Bernard - Thank you Cordelia. Right. Erwin I think we’ll push on now.Cordelia looks awkward Cordelia, I think Kevin might need some help with his – erm – things.

Cordelia - it’s just..

Bernard – Like a teacher Cordelia

Cordelia – but

Bernard. Help. Kevin. Please.

Cordelia stifling back a tear Ok.

Cordelia runs to the back of the stage

Bernaard – So Erwin

Erwin – Bernard – Stage whisper are you banging her? I bet you are you old dog you.

Bernaard – No, Who do you –

Erwin interrupting But she’s an actress Bernard…get with the programme. Hang on. Out to the auditorium Daisy? Excuse me Bernard. Daisy. Daisy you out there honey?

Daisy – whiny voice from the audience …Sure I'm here Erwin baby..

Erwin - Daisy – you’re an actress. Should Bernard bang cordy pants?

Bernard – Oh my god..

Daisy – you’re a cute guy Bernard. Shifting to cordelia Cor-deee-lieee-aa my poppet - sugar - you could do worse darlin' no offence but you know you could liven the look up a little - black - yawwwn..

Erwin – come up here Daisy - is that alright Bernard. Rest easy – we’re only having a laugh (beat) But you should think about it.

Flustered Bernard chooses to ignore Erwin who Daisy perches next to

Bernard - So erm Daisy tell us about yourself.

Erwin – Bernaard. This is Daisy Spears. She’s the the greatest Bernarrd…Kevin have we got a clip of Daisy?

Kevin – I think so, but I -

Erwin – Stick it on Kev

Kevin – It’s just I’m not sure -

Erwin – I’m sure people would love it..

Kevin – I don’t really

Erwin – play it

Kevin – Bernard? I really think we need to

Erwin – Play the goddamn clip Kevin

Bernard – Play it. What could possibly go wrong?

We see a minute of erotic drama

Bernard - interrupting Erm. Sorry to interrupt. I’m not sure we need to see that. Besides Daisy, I couldn't help noticing: that er, that wasn't you.
Daisy - Sure. Never heard of a body double.
Bernard - but -
Daisy - Erwin said It was better that way. With her being my body double. For the sex. And the stunt scenes. And the scenes when I was talking to other people and stuff.
Bernard - Daisy? Are you actually in the film?
Erwin Interjecting The thing you have to remember was I am twice Daisy's age and she was having sex with me during the production.
Bernard - You told her she was in the movie.
Erwin -And she is.
Daisy - In spirit. Ain't that right Erwin baby?
Bernard - You people are incredible
Daisy and Erwin - Thanks bernaard.
Erwin - you're kinda cool too. I'm having a good time. I love London. You're all great. And what with Daisy here it's turning itno quite a night. So what did you want to ask about next?
Bernard - well I suppose it would be remiss of me not to mention the women who are actually in your movies.
Erwin - Gorgeous aren't they. I've used more silicone than silicone valley.
Bernard - that's what I'm talking about - you do tend to objectify the actresses in your movies.
Erwin - and?
Bernard - I want to talk to you about Misogeny
Erwin - Never worked with her. Wasn't she boning Jacky Chan in the 80's?
Bernard - No Erwin, I talking about misogeny; sexism?
Erwin - Sexism?
Bernard - your roles for women aren't -
Erwin - Let me tell you abo -
Bernard - [forceful]no...no...NO....Erwin .....let me finish my question: the characterisation in your movies isn't exactly empowering for women?
Erwin - They're powerful.They are fully weaponised; guns, grenades, ammo belts. What do you mean?

Bernard - Let me ask you this. Do you like your female characters?

Erwin - (stroking daisy's knee who is listening patiently) I love them. My camera makes love to them (he catches cordelia's eye who is flustered - Erwin is quite good looking in a rough diamond way - but no she can't flirt!! - not with his type!!)

Bernard - Not exactly the point I was making. How else can i put this?

Erwin - No no. I get it. I've had this before. Somehow because I make films for guys I'm anti-women, old fashioned dated, a sexist pig. Am I right? That's what you're all thinking? Look at your pretty little faces. But you're wrong see. Even though I'm in the biz, hey blowjobs in the trailer fahgeddaboutit-we've all been there, its almost a union thing, but even so you've misjudged me. I admire women. I 'get' you. Don't think just because I hang out with air headed blondes I'm somehow can't accept intelligent powerful women. Hell I even married a couple of them. Ok those pair of meshiganas can rot in hell with the two houses they screwed out of me - Sorry- but you know I'm not insensitive. Ladies. I can be sweet. I watch Kate Winslet movies,
I take my spaniels for walks on the beach. If am naked will you not give me shelter. I want to be loved and not just in the action genre. That's all I want.

Bernard - I'm sure

Erwin - So I get angry when I'm accused of sexism. Angry you hear! But you know what I do with my anger. The rage? With the pain? Do you? Do you think I shout and scream? Do you think I spout my mouth off? No way Shirley. I channel my anger. Channel it. I focus. I pull the negative energy kicking and screaming into my art. I take it all and I make it live! Live as cinematic magic. That's how Erwin sorts out his beefs - oh yes - So what did I do in the 70's? When sexism was all the rage? Everything was Anti-fucking-woman? Yaa-di-daa. I didn't go on a march. I didn't burn any bras. Go on any marches. Christ no. Not me baby.: I sat down and pondered, considered. Listened. Yeah I listened and I put everything into a script. I moulded a narrative that expressed everything I felt about women, and that showed - right up there on the screen - what women can do in our society, in our times. A movie that - hey - maybe even today we might learn something from. Kevin?

Terminator Woman

B- I think, Ladies and Gentlemen now is the time for us to take a short break. We'll see you back here in 15 minutes, for more with the amazing Erwin Breckinheimer, if you can take it.

SCENE TWO ???

End of bad dialogue clip

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.

E- Too right Bernaaard. There IS nothing like it. Rock and fucking roll

B- Quite.

E – So what would you like to ask me you old mucker you?

B – I thought we could – if we may – start with a discussion – in the widest sense - of your genre?

E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the movie. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just the smoke and mirrors of action. There’s a thing called ‘truth’ What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures. What of the beauty of the human condition?

E- Exactly. What of them?

B- (meekly) You're not really getting this are you?

pause

Let me put it this way - don't you ever get fed up of just blowing things up.

E- Just blowing things up!!! My god bernarrd – where you not watching. I’m a master. My films deliver - sunshine and don’t forget it. Sure anyone can blow things up, but I Erwin J Breckenheimer do it in a way that touches people right here. (he touches his chest)

B- So – art is important to you.?

E- Sure. I see that between extreme violence, torture, and mayhem you do need a bit of – what would you call it – poetry. And I'm not just talking about a nice pair of tits. No, I mean fucking pretty words making the difference. That’s why I write all my own scripts.

B - I didn't realise.

E - Right. I write it all. Well I control it all – I don’t actually do much writing these days. But I’m in control. Writers are ok but I have to re-write it with my own spin to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting and stepping centre stage Ahem.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my.... raises his beer bottle

At the side

K - Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect. Now seems like the right time.

B - I read your note.

K- It's all right, Cordelia is going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get into his creative process, now get back to it, for Christ's sakes.

B- I.You. Kevin S.. this is a truly dreadful idea, but alright. We'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we, well Kevin, has a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress – Cordelia from the drama society – to join us and give us a performance of one your scenes, then maybe you can talk us through your process as a film maker. We'd love to see your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheimer, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise. Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We used to be inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you; it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. And after the Kuleshev death squad found where you had hidden your sweetheart,the mother of your children, you were devastated so for me to bring you back from the brink was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Total dreck. I'm embrassed for you. (beat) Honey you didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweekcakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In this scene you need to seg-way from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds flat. That's the magic of Leningrad Takedown.

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things prepared.

Long beat

Bernard - Thank you Cordelia. Right. Erwin I think we’ll push on now. Cordelia looks awkward Cordelia. I think Kevin might need some help with his – erm – things.

Cordelia - it’s just..

Bernard – Like a teacher Cordelia

Cordelia – but

Bernard. Help. Kevin. Please.

Cordelia stifling back a tear ok.

Cordelia runs to the back of the stage

Bernaard – So Erwin

Erwin – Bernard – Stage whisper are you banging her? I bet you are you old dog you.

Bernaard – No Who do you –

Erwin interrupting But she’s an actress Bernard…get with the programme. Hang on. out to the auditorium Daisy? Excuse me Bernard. Daisy. Daisy you out there honey?

Daisy – whiny voice from the audience …Sure I'm here Erwin baby..

Erwin - Daisy – you’re an actress. Should Bernard bang cordy pants?

Bernard – oh my god..

Daisy – you’re a cute guy Bernard. shifting to cordelia Cor-deee-lieee-aa my poppet - sugar - you could do worse darlin' no offence but you know you could liven the look up a little - black - yawwwn..

Erwin – come up here Daisy - is that alright Bernard. Rest easy – we’re only having a laugh (beat) But you should think about it.

Flustered Bernard chooses to ignore Erwin who Daisy perches next to

Bernard - So erm Daisy tell us about yourself.

Erwin – Bernaard. This is Daisy Spears. She’s the the greatest Bernarrd…Kevin have we got a clip of Daisy?

Kevin – I think so, but I -

Erwin – Stick it on Kev

Kevin – It’s just I’m not sure -

Erwin – I’m sure people would love it..

Kevin – I don’t really

Erwin – play it

Kevin – Bernard? I really think we need to

Erwin – Play the goddamn clip Kevin

Bernard – Play it. What could possibly go wrong?

we see a minute of erotic drama

Bernard - interpupting Erm. Sorry to interrupt. I’m not sure we need to see that. Besides Daisy I couldn't help notice that that wasn't you.
Daisy - Sure. Never heard of a body double.
Bernard - but -
Daisy - Erwin said It was better that way. With her being my body double. For the sex. And the stunt scenes. And the scenes when I was talking an shit.
Bernard - Daisy? Are you actually in the film?
Erwin Interjecting The thing you have to remember was I am twice Daisy's age and she was having sex with me during the production.
Bernard - You told her she was in the movie.
Erwin -And she is.
Daisy - In spirit. Ain't that right Erwin baby.
Bernard - you people are incredible
Daisy and Erwin - thanks bernaard.
Erwin - you're kinda cool too. I'm having a good time. You're all great. And what with daisy here it's turning itno quite a night. So what did you want to ask about next?
Bernard - well I suppose it would be a miss of me not to mention the women who are actually in your movies.
Erwin - gorgeous aren't they. I've used more silicone than silicone valley.
Bernard - that's what I'm talking about - you do tend to objectify the actresses in your movies.
Erwin - and?
Bernard - I want to talk to you about Misogeny
Erwin - I never worked with her.
Bernard - No Erwin, I talking about misogeny; sexism?
Erwin - Sexism?
Bernard - your roles for women aren't -
Erwin - Let me tell you abo -
Bernard - [forceful]no...no...NO....Erwin .....let me finish my question: the characterisation in your movies isn't exactly empowering for women?
Erwin - They're powerful.They are fully weaponised; guns, grenades, ammo belts. What do you mean?

Bernard - Let me ask you this. Do you like your female characters?

Erwin - (stroking daisy's knee who is listening patiently) I love them. My camera makes love to them (he catches cordelia's eye who is flustered - Erwin is quite good looking in a rough diamond way - but no she can't flirt!! - not with his type!!)

Bernard - Not exactly the point I was making. How else can i put this?

Erwin - No no. I get it. I've had this before. Somehow because I make films for guys I'm anti-women, old fashioned dated, a sexist pig. Am I right? That's what you're all thinking? Look at your pretty little faces. But you're wrong see. Even though I'm in the biz, hey blowjobs in the trailer fahgeddaboutit-we've all been there, its almost a union thing, but even so you've misjudged me. I admire women. I 'get' you. Don't think just because I hang out with air headed blondes I'm somehow can't accept intelligent powerful women. Hell I even married a couple of them. Ok those pair of meshiganas can rot in hell with the two houses they screwed out of me - Sorry- but you know I'm not insensitive. Ladies. I can be sweet. I've read Janine Austen, I take my spaniels for walks on the beach. If am naked will you not give me shelter. I want to be loved and not just in the action genre. That's all I want.

Bernard - I'm sure

Erwin - So I get angry when I'm accused of sexism. Angry you hear! But you know what I do with my anger. The rage? With the pain? Do you? Do you think I shout and scream? Do you think I spout my mouth off? No way Shirley. I channel my anger. Channel it. I focus. I pull the negative energy kicking and screaming into my art. I take it all and I make it live! Live as cinematic magic. That's how Erwin sorts out his beefs - oh yes - So what did I do in the 70's? When sexism was all the rage? Everything was Anti-fucking-woman? Yaa-di-daa. I didn't go on a march. I didn't burn any bras. Go on any marches. Christ no. Not me baby.: I sat down and pondered, considered. Listened. Yeah I listened and I put everything into a script. I moulded a narrative that expressed everything I felt about women, and that showed - right up there on the screen - what women can do in our society, in our times. A movie that - hey - maybe even today we might learn something from. Kevin?

Steal from the best ever ending...kind of??

Last scene, after a bodacious Ninja/Latino/Yiddish dance sequence

Kevin- Don't you see Erwin, Citizen pain would just be the start. Together we can bring new life into the action movie scene.

Erwin- Genre Kevin, the action movie genre.

K- It will be the perfect match-

E- -Kevin

K- -no just listen, my talent with your skills as a-

E- -KEVIN

K- -as a Master producer and your amazing family connections in the business-

E- Kevin, you need to listen to me.

K- What?

E- I'm not Jerry Bruckheimer. He's not even a cousin.

K- crestfallen


Well nobodies perfect.


the end



.....er possibly not as funny as it seemed in the shower this morning!

CORDELIA's EXIT AND DAISY'S ENTRANCE

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance.

Long beat

Bernard - Thank you Cordelia. Right. Erwin I think we’ll push on now. Cordelia looks awkward Cordelia. I think Kevin might need some help with his – erm – things.

Cordelia - it’s just..

Bernard – Like a teacher Cordelia

Cordelia – but

Bernard. Help. Kevin. Please.

Cordelia stifling back a tear ok.

Cordelia runs to the back of the stage

Bernaard – So Erwin

Erwin – Bernard – Stage whisper are you banging her? I bet you are you old dog you.

Bernaard – No Who do you –

Erwin interrupting But she’s an actress Bernard…get with the programme. Hang on. out to the auditorium Daisy? Excuse me Bernard. Daisy. Daisy you out there honey?

Daisy – whiny voice from the audience …Sure I'm here Erwin baby..

Erwin - Daisy – you’re an actress. Should Bernard bang cordy pants?

Bernard – oh my god..

Daisy – you’re a cute guy Bernard. shifting in cordelia's direction Cor-deee-lieee-aa my poppet - Hi sugar - you could do worse darlin' no offence but you know you could liven the look up a little - black - yawwwn..

Erwin – come up here Daisy - is that alright Bernard. Rest easy – we’re only having a laugh beat But you should think about it.

Act one, scene one

Lights up.

The sedate classical music that has been playing abruptly halts.

Three dancers burst in from the back of the stage.

One blonde lady.
One brunette.
One young man with latin features.

A Kaleidoscopic light switches on. Pounding latin american jazz music plays the song Soca Mi Nice by Mongo Santamaria

Elaborate Mike Carter dance sequence.

Kevin Spottesby hurries in.

Kevin is youthful looking and enthusiastic. He wears a hooded top and trainers with the demenour of an IT support worker. He carries a remote control in his hands.

K- Hey hey hey what is going on here?

The male dancer continues dancing on the spot

Ricardo- Latin Jazz club mein! Join in if you liking it?

Kevin points his remote and stops the music, bringing the lights up.
The dancers stop and face him, hands on hips.

K- Guys, guys this room is booked I'm afraid.

R- Whaat, cmon Kevin man, the community centre is supposed to be for everyone.

He uses the remote again and a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme in his pomp appears.

Kevin- Ricardo this is important, do I have to spell it out for you-

Ricardo- Oh I seee, Ezzzzzzz GAY NIGHT!!!!!! I zo Sorry.

Kevin- No, it is NOT gay night! Tonight it's the Film club and we've booked this room until 10.30. Look out there, can't you see: we have an audience, so you'll need to find somewhere else to dance. And hurry up, Bernard will be here in a minute-

Ricardo- Oh Bernardo is coming, I like him. He funny. In his little bow-tie, talking about de artistic filme all the time. How come you're setting up here on your own, he usually in charge?

K- Well exactly, I'm fed up of always being his lackey. Ricardo, I've gone and done something. In a few minutes, people are going to know Kevin Spottesby as more than just the little guy who puts on DVD's while Bernarde prattles on about bloody ARTHOUSE cinema. For one night only we'll have no Polish farming epics, no black n' white films about chess, and definately: NO Lars Von Trier!

R- I no understand, I jus want more jazz dancing tonight, see. Girlies, go look for another room pleaze, we do "fungii mama" next!?

The female dancers leave quickly smiling.

K- Somebody is coming here Ricardo. Somebody big, sit yerself down for a sec',
I want you see the look on Bernard's face!!!

R- Ok, but I go in five.

Kevin pulls a couple of chairs from the back until they are almost facing each other, with a small table between them, on which he places a couple of small glasses.

Bernard enters quickly and loudly from the back of the auditorium. He’s middle-aged, terribly middle class with the air of an Open University teacher who thinks he’s on a mission for the UN to spread the word about proper films. He is transcendent with rage.

Bernard (holding a torn poster) WHAT IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!
Kevin (reacting calmly) - So you didn't....get my email..
Bernard- What email?
Kevin- The one about the change of programme? I sent it about erm - half an hour ago?
Bernard- No I bloody didn't.
Kevin - Well I’ve arranged something better, besides I’m not sure people here wanted to-
Bernard - The patrons of East Dulwich Film Club would not turn up their noses to Lars Von Trier and want to see THIS rubbish instead? Nonsense! They look like the kind of cultured people we normally get every month - well some of them do. pause. A couple in the front maybe.
Kevin- But-
Bernard- But nothing, you can't change the program.
Kevin- But I've got a guest-
Bernard And you can't book guests. You play the DVDs and plug in leads!
Kevin- I tracked him down, asked him to come along. He said yes. He's showed up.
Bernard- Who?
Kevin- An actual film director.
Bernard- Oh.
Kevin- Writer and producer..
Bernard- And he's here? Now?
Kevin- Yes. That’s what I’m telling you. He’s waiting to come on after his big intro, and you're embarrassing him. And me.
Bernard- So who is he. is he cutting edge?
Kevin- God yeah he's beyond the thunderdome.
Bernard- Will I know his films? He's bone fide: not one of your mates from the YTS?
Kevin- Film school, I went to film school - and no - he's a proper filmmaker. He's American and everyone is waiting. So shall we get on with it?
Bernard- If you’re sure he's good.
Kevin- He's the bollocks Bernard...now here are your notes, trust me..ladies and gentlemen you are going to love him...shall we get on with it?

Not waiting for an answer Kevin points his remote control towards the AV booth. The current slide dissolves leaving a bodacious action sequence with heroes of the direct-to-video staple and explosive violence.

Kevin – Ladies and gentleman in a change to our published program we are delighted to bring to the stage, the writer, director and producer of forty seven unforgetable masterpieces. Please welcome Mr Erwin J Breckenheimer!!!

...

Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......

Hilarious montage - including bad dialogue and people jumping through windows in slow motion

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I’ve certainly never seen anything like it.

E- Too right Bernaaard. There’s nothing like it is there. Rock and fucking roll

B- Quite.

E – So what would you like to ask me you old dog you?

B – I thought we could – if we may – start with a discussion – in the widest sense - of your genre?

E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the movie. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just the smoke and mirrors of action. There’s a thing called ‘truth’ What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures. What of the beauty of the human condition?

E- Exactly. What of them?

B- (meekly) nothing

pause

I mean don't you ever get fed up of just blowing things up.

E- Just blowing things up!!! My god bernarrd – where you not watching. I’m a master. My films deliver - sunshine and don’t forget it. Sure anyone can blow things up, but I Erwin J Breckenheimer do it in a way that touches people right here. (he touches his chest)

B- So – art is important to you.?

E- Sure. I see that between extreme violence, torture, and mayhem you do need a bit of – what would you call it – poetry. And I'm not just talking about cutting to a nice pair of tits after a violent scene. No, I mean fucking pretty words making the difference. That’s why I write all my own scripts.

B - I didn't realise.

E - Right. I write it all. Well I control it all – I don’t actually do much writing these days. But I’m in control. Writers are ok but I have to re-write it with my own spin to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting and stepping centre stage Ahem.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my.... raises his beer bottle

At the side

K - Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect. Now seems like the right time.

B - I read your note.

K- It's all right, Cordelia is going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get into his creative process, now get back to it, for Christ's sakes.

B- I.You. Kevin S.. this is a truly dreadful idea, but alright. We'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we, well Kevin, has a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress – Cordelia from the drama society – to join us and give us a performance of one your scenes, then maybe you can talk us through your process as a film maker. We'd love to see your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheimer, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise. Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We used to be inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you; it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. And after the Kuleshev death squad found where you had hidden your sweetheart,the mother of your children, you were devastated so for me to bring you back from the brink was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Total dreck. I'm embrassed for you. (beat) Honey you didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweekcakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In this scene you need to seg-way from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds flat. That's the magic of Leningrad Takedown.

Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things prepared.

Cordelia runs off stage.

Bernard- Thank you er, that’s quite enough of that, Erwin I think we’ll push on with your interview now before we open up to some questions from the floor

E- Actually, apart from the performance I enjoyed that! I've got a great idea if want to experience the true sparkle of my dialogue. There's someone who nails my material like no one else and not just in the jacuzzi - Daisy honey, would you, could you do some bits for Bernie here?

A whiny nasel laugh comes from the front row of the audatorium

B-Er

A blonde bombshell stands. Everyone should fine her attractive till she lets rip with a hollywood nasal whine.

Daisy- Erwin, my big fat bubula, of course I will!


Bernard looks to the heavens for help.

Erwin- Samurai Tequila. Our caterer.....

Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......

Hilarious montage - including bad dialogue and people jumping through windows in slow motion

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? You schmuck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?

B- I,I,I,I have never seen anything like it.
E - Bernaaard. I don't know what you've been watching but you need to live a fuckin' - little. So what you probably want to ask about how I came to have my very own film empire?

B- Well there's many things I need to ask but, er, in your early years did you set an office up straight away in, I mean near, Hollywood with an apartment into Bel Air?

E- Bucharest. We bought the biggest studio space we could get so's if we wanted Tanks or Aircraft carriers or the movie called for rebuilding ancient Jerusalem: then we'd have some room.

B- And do you find Romania condusive to filmmaking.

E- Condi-what? Listen, Romanians are a good looking, hard working race and I can blow shit up to my heart's desire there. The roads are like swiss cheese but let's not go there -

B- What about actors, is it hard to attract Hollywood's biggest stars to Romania?


E- Well, we got Steven Seagal out there. He fuckin' loves it, he thinks he's on Safari. He usually brings between 10 and 20 women with him - what do they call it: entourage.

B- Doesn't that cause any problems on set?

E- Bernard, you were saying how this is your little area of authority, shall we say well the studio is mine. I'm the ringmaster of our own little circus. One day Seagal actually brought an African princess onto "Executive Disruption". She was lovely but you can't talk about dailies with an African princess.

B- Right. OKAY. Mmmmm. So I want to discuss genre.

E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the movie. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- I see that but in film club we understand that there's more to cinema that just action. What of themes and of dialogue? What of reaching to people from different cultures while sharing an an an examination of truth and beauty?

E- - What of them?

B- (meekly) nothing

pause

I mean don't you ever get fed up of massive explosions and actors who can only deliver one line at a time?

E- Actually the Lungren can deliver at least four lines of dialogue without having to go back to the hotel. And I've seen him deliver a monologue while hanging upside down with two guys waving blow-torches at his balls.

B- So dialogue is important to you?

E- I'm a lover of the spoken word actually. You know, between extreme violence and torture you do need nice words. I write nearly all my own films.

B - Really. It seems there's no end to your talents Erwin.

E - Right. I wrote it all. I still control my scripts - That's important. Writers are ok on the emotional stuff but I have to re-write it to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.

B - I can imagine, now....

Kevin - interrupting, stepping in Ok Bernard, Cordelia is ready, and she's word perfect.

B- getting up Excuse me Erwin, I'll find out what my assistant wants-

E- You go right ahead, I'll finish my raises his beer bottle

At the side

B- I read your note. Why is your girlfriend here from the drama society and how dare you interrupt-

K- It's all right, She's going do one of Erwin's scenes, this way we get into his creative process, now get back to it, for Christ's sakes.

B- I.You. Kevin S..alright we'll talk about this later-

B- Erwin, we have a surprise for you, we've asked a young actress
to join us and give us a performance of one your scenes, then maybe you can talk us through your creative process based on a scene.
It would demonstrate your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.

E- Sure, knock yourself out.

B- Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Ms Cordelia Spenk.


Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress strides up to the stage. She has nhs glasses on and hair done up tightly in a bun. She assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

B- Cordelia, are you ready for you per-

Cordelia – Shhhhh Barry-

She shakes her hair down like one of Charlies Angels, throws her glasses down and beams US TV style at Erwin

Mr Breckenheuser, its such an incredible pleasure to meet you! Kevin and I are huge fans of all your work. Erwin, can I call you that, I’m going perform a piece for you that you’ll recognise is from Leningrad Shakedown! Enjoy

She assumes character before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We were once inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie was shot you it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. After the Kuleshev death squad found where you had hidden your sweetheart, the mother of your children you were devastated and for me to bring you back it was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I can feel a moment of serenity but I’m telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Sounded like my dialogue for sure. But. I mean. Honestly. Honey I know you were trying but that was awful. Total dreck. I'm embrassed to be sitting her. (beat) She didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-lay, whateveryournameis, sweek cakes- if you wanna call yourself one of my actresses you gotta shape up. In that scene you need to move from tenderness to putting your stilettos in his fuckin’ brain in five seconds.
Cordelia- Erwin, I’m so sorry. I was nervous. Give me another chance. We have other things prepared.

Cordelia runs off stage.

Bernard- Thank you er, that’s quite enough of that, Erwin I think we’ll push on with your interview now before we open up to some questions from the floor

E- Actually, apart from the performance I enjoyed that! I've got a great idea if want to experience the true magic of my dialogue. There's someone who nails my material like no one else and not just in the jacuzzi - Daisy honey, would you, could you do some bits for Bernie here?

A whiny nasel laugh comes from the front row of the audatorium

B-Er

A blonde bombshell stands. Everyone should fine her attractive till she lets rip with a hollywood nasal whine.

Daisy- Erwin, my big fat bubula, of course I will!


Bernard looks to the heavens for help.

Bit of comedy around wannabe actresses

Erotic drama clip featuring pneumaticcally chested actress. An embarassed Bernard turns to Daisy

B - Daisy I couldn't help notice - in the clip - that that wasn't you.
D - Sure.
B - Ermm
D - never heard of a body double.
B - but -
D - Erwin said It was better that way. With her being my body double. For the sex. And the stunt scenes. And the scenes when I was talking an shit.
B - Daisy? Are you actually in the film?
Erwin Interjecting The thing you have to remember was I am twice Daisy's age and she was having sex with me during the production.
B - You told her she was in the movie.
Erwin -And she is.
D - In spirit. Ain't that right Erwin baby.
B - you people are incredible
Daisy and Erwin - thanks bernaard.
Erwin - you're kinda cool too. I'm having a good time. You're all great. And what with daisy here it's turning itno quite a night. So what did you want to ask about next?
Bernard - well I suppose it would be a miss of me not to mention the women who are actually in your movies.
Erwin - gorgeous aren't they. I've used more silicone than silicone valley.
Bernard - that's what I'm talking about - you do tend to objectify the actresses in your movies.
Erwin - and?
B - I want to talk to you aboutabout Misogeny
E - I never worked with her.
B - No Erwin, I talking about misogeny; sexism?
E - Sexism?
B - your roles for women aren't -
E - Let me tell you abo -
B - [forceful]no...no...NO....Erwin .....let me finish my question: the characterisation in your movies isn't exactly empowering for women?
E - They're powerful.They are fully weaponised; guns, grenades, ammo belts. What do you mean?

B - Let me ask you this. Do you like your female characters?

E - (stroking daisy's knee who is listening patiently) I love them. My camera makes love to them (he catches cordelia's eye who is flustered - Erwin is quite good looking in a rough diamond way - but no she can't flirt!! - not with his type!!)

H - Not exactly the point I was making. How else can i put this?

E - No no. I get it. I've had this before. Somehow because I make films for guys I'm anti-women, old fashioned dated, a sexist pig. Am I right? That's what you're all thinking? Look at your pretty little faces. But you're wrong see. Even though I'm in the biz, hey blowjobs in the trailer fahgeddaboutit-we've all been there, its almost a union thing, but even so you've misjudged me. I admire women. I 'get' you. Don't think just because I hang out with air headed blondes I'm somehow can't accept intelligent powerful women. Hell I even married a couple of them. Ok those pair of meshiganas can rot in hell with the two houses they screwed out of me - Sorry- but you know I'm not insensitive. Ladies. I can be sweet. I've read Janine Austen, I take my spaniels for walks on the beach. If am naked will you not give me shelter. I want to be loved and not just in the action genre. That's all I want.

H - I'm sure

E - So I get angry when I'm accused of sexism. Angry you hear! But you know what I do with my anger. The rage? With the pain? Do you? Do you think I shout and scream? Do you think I spout my mouth off? No way Shirley. I channel my anger. Channel it. I focus. I pull the negative energy kicking and screaming into my art. I take it all and I make it live! Live as cinematic magic. That's how Erwin sorts out his beefs - oh yes - So what did I do in the 70's? When sexism was all the rage? Everything was Anti-fucking-woman? Yaa-di-daa. I didn't go on a march. I didn't burn any bras. Go on any marches. Christ no. Not me baby.: I sat down and pondered, considered. Listened. Yeah I listened and I put everything into a script. I moulded a narrative that expressed everything I felt about women, and that showed - right up there on the screen - what women can do in our society, in our times. A movie that - hey - maybe even today we might learn something from. Kevin?

Terminator Woman

Erwin- Samurai Tequila?. Our caterer – who wrote the first draft – wanted Samurai Acropolis but I always go with my instinct.
Bernard- Okay, Kevin.......

A hilarious montage - including bad dialogue

B - Well Erwin. That was certainly interesting.
E - Interesting? you schmouck. I think you meant to say butt kickingly awesome. Didn't you?
B - Did I? I did. I did. Obviously. Wow. You rock. High Five. You mother.
E - That's it. Bernaaard. Live a fuckin - little. So what you probably want to ask about the script.
B - Yes I do. Tell me about the script.
E - I wrote it.
B - Really. Jees that's amazing. There's no end to your talents Erwin.
E - right. I wrote it all. I still control my scripts - That's important. Writers are ok on the emotional stuff but I have to re-write it to get it just right, you know? Some of the stuff I write is pretty full on.
B - I can imagine. I wonder if we could explore that more. I've had an idea. (beat) (hesitantly)It's Effin crazy......Very Rock and Roll.........It'll float your boat...... Dude.......My girlfriend is an actress.
E - Bernard you dog you. Goes like a train. eh? I bet she does. They all do. oh Oh god Bernaard make me a star.

B - Cordelia runs drama therapy courses. At the community centre.
E - right.
B - but she's a very good imporviser. I wonder if you'd mind if she had a go at your kind of thing. you could maybe talk about your creative process based on a scene. It would demonstrate your dialogue 'in action' so to speak.
E - Sure - whatever.
B - Outwards to the audienceCordelia? Cordelia. Would you mind? ladies and gentlemen, please Crody baby - it'll be fun.

Eventually a black-polo-neck-wearing actress walks up to the stage. And assumes a reluctant actorly pose.

Bernard - would you like to bring alive something for us Cordelia. Ladies and gentleman Ms Cordelia Spenk.

Cordelia - I think I've got a handle on the kind of thng you write Mr Bruckenhiemer. I hope you recognise this.

She assumes charatcer before continuing

How could you hang me out to dry Dmitri? We were once inseparable, we depended on each other and when Bonnie left you it was me who helped you pick up the pieces. In my life I've never seen anybody so wiped out. You were devasted and for me to bring you back it was like [cut up] I don't know, rescuing a child from a burning caravan, and now we're here and I'm telling you right now........
.....GIVE ME THE MICROFILM COCKSUCKER!!!!!!

Long Pause

B - Erwin, that's...

E- Sounded like my dialogue for sure. But. I mean. Honestly. Awful. Total dreck. I'm embrassed to be sitting her. (beat) She didn't do a roundhouse kick for fuck's sake. Corde-li-wahtever the fuck your name is - call yourself an actress!! That's why I handpick who I work with. You have to be special to work with my dialogue. Really special.

For the second time of the evening the auditorium door bursts open. A blonde bombshell enters. Everyone should fine her attractive till she lets rip with a hollywood nasal whine.
Daisy - Erwin Baby, Erwin it's me. Honey.

E - Daisy...??