Preston Sturges' Eleven Rules For Box Office Appeal:

A pretty girl is better than an ugly one.
A leg is better than an arm.
A bedroom is better than a living room.
An arrival is better than a departure.
A birth is better than a death.
A chase is better than a chat.
A dog is better than a landscape.
A kitten is better than a dog.
A baby is better than a kitten.
A kiss is better than a baby.
A pratfall is better than anything

Bernard - Va Va Voom? Erwin - how important is that to casting? What did you make of our stars?

E- I like them a lot. Cordelia has potential – you’re a classy lady – and ricardo – you can play camp real good.

R – play? Camp?

E – but what about this chap..(referring to Bollo)

K – ah hah! Bollo is our action star..we’re very excited about him. Action, mayhem and assassination. Bolo is your man. What yesterday's heroes could only hint at, he can do with his bare hands. Watch this.

A clip of Bolo - complete with whip pans and dubbing

Erwin - You guys get better and better...

Bernard - dubbed kevin?

Kevin - he doesn't speak english..

Bernard - I heard -

Kevin - He doesn't speak english - plus he's a silent assassin

Ricardo - he not that hard - he just keek and punch..

Kevin - Not that hard? Ricardo! He does tai chi and shit..he can mess with your internal organs...rip your heart out...

Cordelia - are you sure about this kevin..?

Kevin - yes. he's incredible. Pass me that chair..Daisy, perhaps you'd like to hit Bolo in the face -

Daisy - no way.

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant. I go to evening classes. I drive a 2cv. Please don't hit me. I don;t know any martial arts.

Kevin - but

Bolo - tai chi is NOT a martial art kevin.

Ricardo - tai chi is cool kevin. Everyone does it. Madonna, Spicey Geri, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bollo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's a fucking ninja ok?

Erwin - Jesus dude. Relax.

Kevin – I’m sorry..

(Long beat where everybody looks uncomfortable.

Bernard - Now before we open to questions from the audience, I would like to mention, I think by way of explanation, you, well everybody deserves - erm, what I'm trying to say is, just like we are proud of our actors....we, infront of everyone here today, departing from the usual format,er Kevin, we really...its a pleasure to-

Cordelia- Oh for Gods sake! Kevin has a script Erwin.

Erwin- Oh what a relief, I thought he'd gone deranged. Drugs. (sniffs) You know. But it's ok. He's a screenwriter.

Kevin - yes I am.

Erwin - the next generation? The future? I dunno...same old shit probably..I'll hang it in bars and clubs..hit on waitresses...look out for the guys who've worked out

Bernard - ha ha you're kidding..

Erwin - kidding? - why would I

Bernard (interrupting) - british actors don't feature highly in your work Erwin - is there a reason for that - i'd have thought the English villain would be staple..

Erwin - ah yes, so you'd have thought, but can I get one?

Bernard - yes British actors? tricky..I wonder if anyone on the panel has any ideas?

Kevin - We could try it here. Yes. Ricardo - you be the villain...and cordelia...you can be the heroine - just to try it out? Why not?

Bernard - yes why not? Erwin - oh and Daisy - maybe we could talk about the secrets of casting afterwards..

Erwin and Daisy..sure.

(while they've been chatting - cordelia and ricardo have set themselves up with scripts)

R- Ha. You can’t stop me. The canister. Eeeze here in my mocodile skin briefcase, in-fidel!

C – My god. If you release it. You’ll kill all those people. (referring to audience)

R- Ha Ha Ha Ha (beat) Ha. I don’t care. Look at them. Puny. Insignificant. Pointless. They’d be better off dead – this guy is soooo mean no? -. I know about death. I have no fear of mass murder. My middle name is Mascara!

K- HANG ON (sotto) Let me look. Massacre. Ricardo. My middle name is Massacre.

R - sorry. My middle name is Massacre..

Cordelia - I don't care who you say you are, I'm federal Agent Bamber Chaseworthy,and if you don't drop the suitcase in the next 15 seconds you'll be spending the rest of your life sucking porridge through a straw.

Bernard so?

Daisy- Interesting. I can't help thinking it diddn't quite work. Daisy honey. Oh my honey, you delivered that like you were at sunday school poppet. Lemeeshow you how a pro does it..

Cordelia - you're not going to get your tits out are you?

Daisy - honey. you have so much to learn..

Cordelia. Learn! don't talk to me about learning. I studied the CLASSICS, at Oxford college of further education. My interpretation of Chekhov is still talked about.

Daisy - Checkhov! What a douchebag!! I mean yawn..when I did Vanya..

Cordelia - You've done Checkhov..?

Daisy - who hasn't?...god.....let's see if I remember any of it..?

(long beat in preperation)

What can we do? We must live out our lives. [A pause] Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live all through the endless procession of days ahead of us, and we shall bear patiently the burdens that fate imposes, We shall work without rest for others because we have known suffering and tears, that our life was bitter. And God will pity us -

(beat)

Oh thinking back...such happy days..

Ricardo - (sobbing) Sooo Beautiful.

Erwin- And moving. Got me here babe. (taps his heart)Like the end of Terminator 2.

Kevin - Daisy you're really something..

Bernard - finally some culture

Bollo wipes his eyes

Cordelia - it was OK.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - ok. it was very good.

Daisy - I used to be like you Cordelia. A real actress. Off Broadway. - till I got the big stick out of my ass..

All laugh..

Kevin - Oh don;t be cross cordy, Daisy has a point. You could do with a little more va va voom. You know?

Cordelia - Va Va Voom? If you want me to just degrade myself in front of these people as some adolescent sexual fantasy woman then just say so.

Kevin - If you could try. For me?

Bernard - Va Va Voom? Erwin - how important is that to casting? What did you make of our stars?

Act 2 continuing...

ACT 2 Scene one

Backstage.

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands towards the back of the stage.

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. What a night. Instead of debating cinema we're talking to an absurd little man who‘s lost decades remaking Rambo with primitives.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film night! No one. We've probably emptied the place already and I don't blame them. Our evening is going to be replaced by Military modelling 101, or Abby’s creosote workshop-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen and besides you're not getting what Erwin represents-

Bernard- he represents himself, as a priapic BULLSHIT ARTIST Kevin!

Kevin- No, no, you don’t understand; he's our meal ticket. Do you really want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What are you talking about?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits.

B- shrugs

K- He obviously respects you. I'd say he thinks you're very talented, you understand how movies work, got the smarts - erm – and things likes that, and you'd -

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, then why did he give me this business card and why did he ask me if you have an agent?

B- I, well he’s probably on something, the guy’s been running round Bulgaria in a flak jacket since god knows when-



K- Nah,listen, you run this show. But you can make something happen here. It’s not like you’ve got anything else going on in your life, Bernard have you? What do you do: you write sales pitches for other people while shuffling up and down the Northern line like a zombie, for fuck’s sake do something!!! When are you FINALLY going produce something of your own, something with real meaning!

B- erm

K- Not to mention Cordelia?

B - Cordelia?

K - little bit of a crush on you...

B- half heartedly Really? beat Oh for god's sake. See what's happening. Erwin's got to you, with all those gratuitous breasts -

K- Not at all. Why not do something here, big up yourself, take a little limelight. Other people are getting stuck in, and getting paid for their creativity; you where’s Bernard’s share? ….Or, maybe you’d rather stay here with an audience of three students?


B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Come on now, indulge Erwin when we go back out there. Let him go to town so he feels comfortable and happy enough to listen to a few little things we've been working on. Yer’know deep down he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren or something-

B- -Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and work up his ego a little bit.

B - What are you going to do?

K - You'll see...

The others - Cordelia, Ricardo and Bolo - enter from the back of the auditorium.

K - Guys, guys, guys...come here. I was just telling Bernard how we have an amazing finish planned for tonight.

Cordelia - Have you now Kevin?

B - Yes, Erwin's our meal ticket apparently..

Kevin - Shhh..

C - Don't worry; he gave me the same speech. What do I want to do with the rest of my life, Seize the day, the northern line blah, Erwin’s going to take us all off to Hollywood on his golden chariot etc, it's all faintly ridiculous.

B - yes - utterly. But why are you still here if you don’t mind my asking?

C – well I don‘t want to crush a man‘s dreams. Someone sooo very creative and who really knows what he's talking about.

B- Oh goes red I see-

C- and besides it makes a nice change from acting class. What about you Ricardo?

R - Me? No. I don’t fancy Bernard. I not actually gay you know.

C - Ahhhh, right, okay, thanks for that, but should you be here at all?

R - Why not, I love filme and Kevin a nice guy-

K - yes. yes I am. and I'd like you to remember that. Now let’s get ready. Cordelia - you sit there, Ricardo there. And Bolo?

Bolo is already standing with his arms folded towards the back of the stage

K - Ok, if you just stand back a bit, remember the signal, ok good……..Bernard remember, keep him happy and get us onto what he is doing next so we can seal this deal.

B- Hmmm, glances over at Cordelia ok. long beat. Lights up.
Bernard moves to front of the stage to address the audience.

B - Welcome back. Everyone. Hope you‘re refreshed and ready to resume. I’d like to welcome back to the stage, Erwin Bruckenheimer and Daisy Spears.

And Ladies and Gentlemen, we appear to have a panel!

Cordelia and Ricardo, are both, er, cherished members of our club so we’ll be enjoying their occasional comments as we go deeper with Erwin, so much deeper, and really discover what makes him tick.

So, Erwin first of all, we’ve covered sex and violence in your output, are there other types of films you’d like to make and what do you think is missing from today’s movie scene, would you say?

E- Gosh, first of all you know we’ll still be making movies about sex and violence in the year 3000, we remain basically apes and people who buy tickets for my stuff, they are comfortable with their inner ape. So to speak. But I, myself, have other projects which are more cerebral. Thinking about the world. We need to save it. I mean I all for Global Warming in places like Britain, don't get me wrong, fish and chips on the beach, in Manchester, but noone wants to live on Waterworld, running around waiting for the fishmen. Point of fact, I already produced on a movie, something heartfelt and challenging, that actually deals with the Environment straight out, through the medium of Chuck Norris.

B- lost for words Aaaaaah

Daisy- That was an incredible film beat unfortunately the IRS didn’t see it that way, but what can you do-

E- Yeh I don’t like to talk about it too much but.....I will, what we did there was consider the big canvas, from the point of view of a lumberjack. Okay, it’s a lumberjack with some martial arts and anger management issues — but he’s basically a thinker. Now Chuck played the lead and he goes up against corruption and big business guys who are threatening his forest. Then we added the supernatural shit for even more impact-

D- And the special effects were a-mazing!

B- I’m sure it was triumph. Great. Kevin do we have a-

K- Yep, coming right up-

B-ok, let’s take a look.

E- Can I just say we're proud of this one despite what the critics said. I take as I find, but generally i find critics to be very shallow people and they often have things like jaundice and cooties, so they can't go out too much.

B- Okay. Kevin!



Beat

Cordelia- laughing You turned Chuck Norris into a bear!

Ricardo- yeah but it worked, iz all about karma, no? Circles of life, makuna me-tutu-

Erwin- Whatever, it died a death and nearly ruined me. But you bounce back and I’m ready to tackle those big issues again.

Bernard- right, soo Daisy, let me ask you the same; what you types of movie would you work on in an ideal world?

Daisy- Well I just wanna work honey. Seriously though, I do think it’s about time they did a big screen remake of Hedda Gabbler. And I’ve always wanted to appear with Joe Pesci.

Cordelia- Why not combine the two?

Daisy- No, that wouldn’t work. Gaaaawd,you don't no much about casting do you?

Cordelia- it was a....never mind, you didn’t ask me, I see, Bernard-

B- I, sorry-

Cordelia- and what I’d like to see is new British talent in whatever form-

Ricardo- and whatabbout me! I want more filmes like Beaches.

Erwin- ha, they called that a three-hankie movie. I can think of a few others...

Ricardo- singing Did you ever know that yooou my hero, everyting I looonged to beeeee.

Cordelia- I don't like weepies.

Daisy- You gotta bond with your girlfriends, girlfriend

Ricardo- I can fly higher than an ea-gle-

Bernard- YES, thank you Ricardo!

R- Sorry. I not gay. sottoI grew up with emotione.

Bernard- Yes, yes, great! This is exhilarating. Erm, Alfred Hitchcock!!?

Erwin- I’ve never liked him-

Daisy- He hated women-

Ricardo- Scary birds-

Cordelia- not sure Kevin has-

B- Well it was worth a try. What about new talent though? Where are you going to find the next generation Erwin?

ACT 2 scene 1

backstage

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. Instead of intelligent debate we're talking to this absurd man about his endless re-imaginatings of Rambo.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film Club! No one. We've probably emptied the place already, and I don't blame them. Yes, next month this slot will taken over by basket-weaving, or Gav's Creosote workshop, or whatever else they can find-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen, and besides you're not understanding what Erwin is-

Bernard- look up BULLSHIT ARTIST in the dictionary, Kevin!

Kevin- No, he's our meal ticket. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What do you mean?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits.

B- shrugs

K- He obviously respects you. I'd say he thinks you're very talented, savvy, you know, got the smarts - erm - or something like that, and you'd -

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, are you so sure? Are you willing to let him walk away...without trying.

B- I, I,

K- Listen, this is your night, you run the show. You can make something happen. What's going on with the rest of your life Bernard? Are you happy? Are you living the dream? What do you do? What are you for? Stuff nobody gives a toss about. Where are your bollocks mate? Do something!!! Life's not a rehearsal blah blah but seriously, what's it going to be, Bernard, more working for other people or are you FINALLY going sell something of your own, something wonderful!

B- erm

K Not to mention Cordelia?

B - Cordelia?

K - little bit of a crush on you...

B- half heartedly Really? Oh for god's sake. See what's happening. Erwin's got to you. With all his gratuitous breasts -

K- No, you can do something here tonight, make yourself look good eh? We all can. You, me, all of us. Or, maybe you don't want to...

B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Come on mate, indulge Erwin when we go back out. Really let him go to town so that he's ready for a few little things I've been working on. Coz deep down I know he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren.

B- Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and find out what he is doing next.

B - what are you going to do?

K - you'll see...

the others - cordelia, ricardo and bollo - enter from the back of the auditorium

K - Guys, guys, guys...come here. I was just telling bernard what an amazing second half we're going to have.

C - have you now Kevin..

B - yes Erwin's our meal ticket apparently..

Kevin - shhh..

C - don't worry he gave me the same speech. What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Oh and how I - ha ha - probably had a crush on you and this was my chance... It's all ridiculous.

B - yes - utterly. You don't do you? I mean have a -

C - I'm a fool really. I should have said no - but I suppose you can't crush someone's dreams. What about you ricardo?

R - Me? no. I don;t have a crush on bernard?

C - no. why are you here?

R - I have no idea, but Kevin a nice guy.

K - yes. yes I am. and I'd like you to remember that. Now act 2. Cordelia - you sit there, ricardo there. And Bollo?

(bollo is already standing looking mean at the back of the stage)

K - Perfect....Bernard...

long beat

B - Welcome...

Kevin- the ninja will be the next great evolution in action films.

Cordelia- I'm not sure personally

Bernard- me neither. Real men don't creep up on people in their pyjamas.

Erwin- You're gotta come to San Fransisco with me, you'll learn a few things

Ricardo- I don't know what he mean.

Daisy- Erwin, stop gassing, are you gonna help them with their project or not?

Kevin - For the ultimate action script, you need the ultimate action hero. That's my Bolo. What yesterday's heroes could only hint at, he can do with his bare hands. Watch this.

A clip of Bolo - complete with whip pans and dubbing and disconected shots of things breaking.

Erwin - You guys get better and better...

Bernard - dubbed kevin?

Kevin - he doesn't speak english..

Bernard - I heard -

Kevin - He doesn't speak english - but we have access to great voice over talent

Ricardo - he not that hard - he just keek and punch in eeez little pyjamas

Kevin - Not that hard? Ricardo! He does tai chi and shit..he can mess with your internal organs...spleens, livers, its not even funny

Cordelia - are you sure about this Kevin..?

Kevin - yes. he's incredible. Pass me that chair..Daisy, perhaps you'd like to hit Bolo in the face -

Daisy - no way.

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant, Kevin met in my evening class two weeks ago. Please don't hit me. I'm not a fighter.

Kevin - but

Bolo - I practice tai chi in the park, for relaxation.

Ricardo - Ooooh is cool for the celebriteez. Everyone does it. Madonna, Spicey Geri, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bolo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's gonna be a big bright shining star!

Erwin - Jesus Man.

Bolo- Ohmigod.

Kevin- You are the new Van Damme. You just need to believe.

Thinking set piece - think it'll be funnier to start with the clip - then build to the chair smashing finale

Kevin - For action, mayhem and assassination. Bolo is your man. What yesterday's heroes could only hint at, he can do with his bare hands. Watch this.

A clip of Bolo - complete with whip pans and dubbing

Erwin - You guys get better and better...

Bernard - dubbed kevin?

Kevin - he doesn't speak english..

Bernard - I heard -

Kevin - He doesn't speak english - plus he's a silent assassin

Ricardo - he not that hard - he just keek and punch..

Kevin - Not that hard? Ricardo! He does tai chi and shit..he can mess with your internal organs...rip your heart out...

Cordelia - are you sure about this kevin..?

Kevin - yes. he's incredible. Pass me that chair..Daisy, perhaps you'd like to hit Bolo in the face -

Daisy - no way.

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant. I go to evening classes. I drive a 2cv. Please don't hit me. I don;t know any martial arts.

Kevin - but

Bolo - tai chi is NOT a martial art kevin.

Ricardo - tai chi is cool kevin. Everyone does it. Madonna, Spicey Geri, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bollo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's a fucking ninja ok?

Erwin - Jesus dude. Relax.

a close up with a whip-pan move appears onscreen focussing on the fearsome visage of Bolo, the ultimate killing machine

Erwin - you guys are crazy

Bernard - Thankyou. Exactly what I've been trying -

Erwin - wonderfully, amazingly, rocking fuck and roll crazy...i'm in..

Kevin - in?

Erwin - I'll direct it...

Kevin - oh my god..you will? you haven't read it..

Erwin - I don't need to...it's obviously a great work - a camp guy drowning in qucik sand...genius.

Kevin - oh my god

Ricardo - I faint..

Cordelia - I got to hand it to you kevin..

Erwin - so how much you got?

Kevin - how much?

Erwin - your backers - how much they giving you?

Kevin - Our backers..

Erwin - you got backers right? You wouldn't go to all this trouble? I mean? You wouldn't be that cruel? Get me over here? Ply me with booze? Get Daisy all excited? Pitch your little heart's out? Va va voom cordelia baby...all without backing?

Kevin - We'd kind of assumed..oh...

Cordelia - Va Va Voom? If you want me to degrade myself as some adolescent sexual fantasy woman then just say so.

Kevin - Could you please? Just for me.

Bernard - Yes, lively panel involvement. Good.

Erwin - I like you guys, I don't know what's going to happen next

Bernard - quite so, talking of that, we want to know what you are doing next Erwin?

Kevin - Yes we do.

(kevin nods her cordelia who takes her cue to exit to perform some task or another)

Erwin - Next? Nexty, nexty, next, next next. The question we all wrestle with no? The fuckin' green light at the end of the rainbow. It never gets any easier. What I'd like to. hah! like that'll ever happen - but hey - what I'd like to do is amovie of conscience, you know I want to engage with the Africa situation like Dolph did in Minesweepers when he was you know....

Bernard- taking your calls. Kevin do we....

Kevin- yes we have the trailer.

Erwin- I think you'll agree it's says everything there is to say about mine clearance. The heartbreaking thing is Princess Diana didn't live to see it... If only her car had smashed into that wall few months later. Had she known that this film existed - who knows - she'd have maybe hung on to life that little bit longer.

Bernard - oh for goodness sake - put it on Kevin..

Roll VT.

Erwin - dabs his eyes.. God Dolph delivers doesn't he!

Kevin -Truly inspirational..

Daisy - amen to that kevin..

Erwin - so next? you've just watched 'next' guys. I wanna do something that means something. To the people. To us all.

Bernard - I've never heard anything so ridiculous. (beat) Ridiculously beautiful Erwin. You really are making the world a better place. I find myself thinking of Ghandi, Lek Vowenza, Aung San Suu Kyi

Erwin - luke skywalker - the list goes on.

Bernard - yes - even luke - Kevin - Ricardo - perhaps you'd like to share your thoughts - cordelia - your bound to have an opinion. Cordelia? Where is cordelia?

Kevin - She's just getting changed bernard. In fact I think she might be just about ready...

....some time later


Kevin- confidently When Bolo goes out on the town, people know if they mess with him, he can pull their heart clean through their ribcage. With that in mind, Bolo will demonstrate what he can uniquely add to our action picture.

Bolo, destroy that chair with your iron fist.

Uncomfortable pause.

Ok, English is not his strong suit but he IS ready believe me. Daisy, hit Bolo in the face with that chair.

Daisy - no way.

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant. I go to evening classes. I drive a 2cv. Please don't hit me. I don;t know any martial arts.

Kevin - but

Bolo - yoga is NOT a martial art kevin.

Ricardo - yoga is cool kevin. Everyone does it. Madonna, Spicey Geri, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bollo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's a fucking ninja ok?

Erwin - Jesus dude. Relax.

Cordelia - Va Va Voom? If you want me to degrade myself as some adolescent sexual fantasy woman then just say so.

Kevin - Could you please? Just for me.

Bernard - Yes, lively panel involvement. Good.

Erwin - I like you guys, I don't know what's going to happen next

Bernard - quite so, talking of that, we want to know what you are doing next Erwin?

Kevin sotto Cordelia, costume change quickly

Kevin - Yes we do.

Erwin - It's a question I wrestle with. and I have two projects nearly at green light stage; more like flickering amber. One is a movie of conscience, you know I want to engage with the Africa situation like Dolph did in Minesweepers when he was you know....

Bernard- taking your calls. Kevin do we....

Kevin- yes we have the trailer.

Erwin- it doesn't reflect the sensitivity of the piece but if one member of your audience seeks out this movie then it'll be worth it-

Roll VT.



....some time later


Kevin- confidently When Bolo goes out on the town, people know if they mess with him, he can pull their heart clean through their ribcage. With that in mind, Bolo will demonstrate what he can uniquely add to our action picture.

Bolo, destroy that chair with your iron fist.

Uncomfortable pause.

Ok, English is not his strong suit but he IS ready believe me. Ricardo, hit Bolo in the face with that chair.


Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant from Reading. I can do some Yoga, or maybe you want me dance?

Ricardo- Ah yais,Yess we Do!!!! what style do you practice, do you DO Latin?

Ricardo strides forward.

R- Ha. You can’t stop me. The canister. Eeeze here in my mocodile skin briefcase, in-fidel!

C – My god. If you release it. You’ll kill all those people. (referring to audience)

R- Ha Ha Ha Ha (beat) Ha. I don’t care. Look at them. Puny. Insignificant. Pointless. They’d be better off dead – this guy is soooo mean no? -. I know about death. I have no fear of mass murder. My middle name is Mascara!

K- HANG ON (sotto) Let me look. Massacre. Ricardo. My middle name is Massacre.

R - sorry. My middle name is Massacre..

Cordelia - I don't care who you say you are, I'm federal Agent Bamber Chaseworthy,and if you don't drop the suitcase in the next 15 seconds you'll be spending the rest of your life sucking porridge through a straw.

Daisy- AND "SCENE"! Honey, you delivered that like you were ordering Taco Bell. Lemeeshow you how a pro does it

Cordelia - you're not going to get your tits out are you?

Daisy - honey. you have so much to learn..

Cordelia. Learn! don't talk to me about learning. I studied the CLASSICS, at Oxford college of further education. My interpretation of Chekhov is still talked about.

Daisy - Checkhov! What a mishigana douchebag!! I mean yawn..when I did Vanya..

Cordelia - You've done Checkhov..?

Daisy - who hasn't?...god...hapy days...let's see if I remember any of it..?

(long beat in preperation)

What can we do? We must live out our lives. [A pause] Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live all through the endless procession of days ahead of us, and we shall bear patiently the burdens that fate imposes, We shall work without rest for others because we have known suffering and tears, that our life was bitter. And God will pity us -

(beat)

Oh thinking back...such happy memories.

Ricardo - (sobbing) Sooo Beautiful.

Erwin- And moving like the end of Terminator 2.

Kevin - Daisy you're really something..

Bernard - finally some culture

Bollo wipes his eyes

Cordelia - it was OK.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - ok. it was very good.

Daisy - I used to be like you Cordelia. A real actress. Off Broadway. - till I got the big stick out of my ass..

All laugh..

Kevin - Brilliant, Erwin, we want to show you another scene, Daisy can be involved. Bolo, bring the device. Ricardo, a little less mascara please, thanks. Cordelia. Bit more va va voom. You know.

Cordelia - Va Va Voom? If you want me to degrade myself as some adolescent sexual fantasy woman then just say so.

Kevin - Could you please? Just for me.

let me look..takes script Massacre - Ricardo - My Middle name is Massacre!

R - sorry. My middle name is Massacre..

Cordelia - I don't care who you say you are, I'm federal Agent Bamber Chaseworthy,and if you don't drop the suitcase in the next 15 seconds you'll be spending the rest of your life sucking porridge through a straw.

Daisy- AND "SCENE"! Honey, you delivered that like you were ordering Taco Bell. Lemeeshow you how a pro does it

Cordelia - you're not going to get your tits out are you?

Daisy - honey. you have so much to learn..

Cordelia. Learn! don't talk to me about learning. I studied the CLASSICS, at Oxford. My interpretation of Chekhov is still talked about today.

Daisy - Checkhov! What a mishigana douchebag!! I mean yawn..

Cordelia - You've done Checkhov..?

Daisy - yes...who hasn't?...let's see if I remember any of it..?

(long beat in preperation)

What can we do? We must live out our lives. [A pause] Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live all through the endless procession of days ahead of us, and we shall bear patiently the burdens that fate imposes, We shall work without rest for others because we have known suffering and tears, that our life was bitter. And God will pity us -

(beat)

I mean. Gawd. Such a downer.

Erwin- Daise, that almost makes me weep like the ending of Terminator 2.


Ricardo - (sobbing) Sooo Beautiful.

Kevin - Daisy you're really something..

Bernard - finally some culture

Bollo wipes his eyes

Cordelia - it was OK.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - ok. it was very good.

Daisy - I used to be like you Cordelia. A real actress. Off Broadway. - till I got the big stick out of my ass..

All laugh..

Kevin - Brilliant, Erwin, we want to show you another scene, Daisy can be involved.

Bolo, bring the device
Ricardo, a little less mascara please, thanks

let me look..takes script Massacre - Ricardo - My Middle name is Massacre!

R - sorry. My middle name is massacre..

Cordelia - I don't care who you say you are, I'm federal Agent Bamber Chaseworthy,and if you don't drop the suitcase in the next 15 seconds you'll be spending the rest of your life sucking porridge through a straw.

Daisy- AND "SCENE"! Honey, you delivered that like you were ordering Taco Bell. Lemeeshow you how a pro does it

Cordelia - you're not going to get your tits out are you.

Daisy - honey. you have so much to learn..

Cordelia. Leatn! don't talk to me about learning. I've read Proust, I've written my own parodies of Kafka. People still talk about my interpretation of Chekhov.

Daisy - Checkhov! What an asshole!! I mean yawn..

Cordelia - You've done Checkhov..?

Daisy - yes...who hasn't?...let's see if I remember any of it..?

(long beat in preperation)

What can we do? We must live out our lives. [A pause] Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live all through the endless procession of days ahead of us, and through the long evenings. We shall bear patiently the burdens that fate imposes on us. We shall work without rest for others, both now and when we are old. And when our final hour comes, we shall meet it humbly, and there beyond the grave, we shall say that we have known suffering and tears, that our life was bitter. And God will pity us -

(beat)

I mean. Gawd. Such a downer.

Ricardo - (sobbing) Sooo Beautiful.

Kevin - daisy you're amazing..

Erwin - that's my girl.

Bernard - finally some culture

Bollo wipes his eyes

Cordelia - it was OK.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - ok. it was very good.

Daisy - I used to be like you Cordelia. A real actress. Off Broadway. - till I got the big stick out of my ass..

All laugh..

Cordelia - Right. Ricardo. Get your mascara out. Let's do that scene again from the top.

Cordelia takes off her glasses, lets down her hair and pulls her top down her shoulders to reveal a sizeable cleavage.

- let me look..takes script Massacre - Ricardo - My Middle name is Massacre!

R - sorry. My middle name is massacre..

Cordelia - I don't care who you say you are, I'm federal Agent Bamber Chaseworthy,and if you don't drop the suitcase in the next 15 seconds you'll be spending the rest of your life sucking porridge through a straw.

Daisy- AND "SCENE"! Honey, you delivered that like you were ordering Taco Bell. Lemeeshow you how a pro does it

Cordelia - you're not going to get your tits out are you.

Daisy - honey. you have so much to learn..

Cordelia. Leatn! don't talk to me about learning. I've read Proust, I've written my own parodies of Kafka. People still talk about my interpretation of Chekhov.

Daisy - Checkhov! What an asshole!! I mean yawn..

Cordelia - You've done Checkhov..?

Daisy - yes...who hasn't?...let's see if I remember any of it..?

(long beat in preperation)

What can we do? We must live out our lives. [A pause] Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live all through the endless procession of days ahead of us, and through the long evenings. We shall bear patiently the burdens that fate imposes on us. We shall work without rest for others, both now and when we are old. And when our final hour comes, we shall meet it humbly, and there beyond the grave, we shall say that we have known suffering and tears, that our life was bitter. And God will pity us -

(beat)

I mean. Gawd. Such a downer.

K - let me look..takes script Massacre - Ricardo - My Middle name is Massacre!

R - sorry. My middle name is massacre..

Cordelia - I don't care who you say you are, I'm federal Agent Bamber Chaseworthy,and if you don't drop the suitcase in the next 15 seconds you'll be spending the rest of your life sucking porridge through a straw.

Daisy- AND "SCENE"! Honey, you delivered that like you were ordering Taco Bell. Lemeeshow you how a pro does it

Cordelia - you're not going to get your tits out are you.

Daisy - honey. you have so much to learn..

Cordelia. Leatn! don't talk to me about learning. I've read Proust, I've written my own parodies of Kafka. People still talk about my interpretation of ibsen!

Daisy - Ibsen Ashole!!....ect ect

works for me..

R - My middle name is Mascara!

K - HANG ON

R - what?

K - let me look..takes script Massacre - Ricardo - My Middle name is Massacre!

K - you'll see...now go...remember meal ticket..

retreats to his AV box

B - Right.Welcome to the second half folks. I'm so glad you came back. No really I am. In the interval I've been pondering: Is there any depth at all to Erwin J Bruckenheimer? Are his films just - well - his films or is there a more intelligent film maker at work beneath the surface. Way beneath. I intend to go subterranean and find out. And maybe discover - apparently - what he's doing next. So please welcome back Erwin,

others follow

B - oh and daisy...and cordelia...hello...oh ricardo the - erm - dancer..

Ricardo - hellloooo berrrrnaaard

B - Choosing to ignore this and let us not forget the man dressed as a ninja menacing me in the corner.

long beat

Ladies and gentlemen. We appear to have a panel!

Everybody applauds themselves

Where were we. Yes before the break we covered sex (nods at daisy) and violence (nods at Bolo) and the marvellous career of Erwin Breckenheimer trails off

Erwin- Cheers. raises glass, Daisy giggles

Bernard - So I think we're done. Thank you everybody.

Everybody - No..

Kevin- Bernard, you're such a one, with a wonderful sense of humour

Daisy- yeah, we should party!

Kevin- What you meant to say was: Erwin we salute you, and all us, Ricardo, Bolo, Cordelia, and our lovely audience, we want to know about where action movies are going next, and where your genius will take them?

Erwin- Thank you for being so kind, I'm more used to four letter appreciations. I gotta tell ya, really I go where the talent is. It's all down to actors for me. I tailor my stories around the actors I have available. So Daisy lends herself to a certain kind of film obviously. But right now, I'm aiming for more classier stuff.
I don't just want stories about lumberjacks and high explosives. I think the Leo Dicaprios girly-man thing is the way forward.

B- I think you're offending people but I'm not sure how

K- Yes, thank you Bernard, so what you're saying is dialogue and powerful scenes are the most important thing

E- Er, well, I

K- Because Erwin we have something to show you, Cordelia in position

Ricardo strides to the front

R- The Microfilm is here in my moco-adlile skin briefcase, in-fidel!

K- Ric, hang a sec

R- My middle name is Massacre!

K- HANG ON (sotto) Cordelia has to do her thing first

ACT 2 scene 1

backstage

Lights are low, the screen is not illuminated and Bernard is sitting with his head in his hands

Kevin- Bernard, what are you waiting for?

Bernard- I don't think I can do this any more. Instead of intelligent debate we're talking to this absurd man about his endless re-imaginatings of Rambo.

Kevin- You're not getting this are you-

Bernard- No one is going to come back to Film Club! No one. We've probably emptied the place already, and I don't blame them. Yes, next month this slot will taken over by basket-weaving, or Gav's Creosote workshop, or whatever else they can find-

Kevin- No, it's not going to happen, and besides you're not understanding what Erwin is-

Bernard- look up BULLSHIT ARTIST in the dictionary, Kevin!

Kevin- No, he's our meal ticket. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

Bernard- What do you mean?

K- Erwin's looking for new material, new writers too and he loves working with Brits. Guess what he was saying to Daisy just a minute ago?

B- shrugs

K- He thinks you're talented, savvy or something like that, and he bet her you could put your film smarts into one of his projects.

B- I have never heard so much balls.

K- Really, why do think he gave me this business card for you?

B- I, I,

K- Listen, this is your night, you run the show, and I respect you for it. But otherwise, what's going on with your career? Writing sales pitches for stuff you don't give a toss about. Where are your bollocks mate? Do something!!!Life's not a rehearsal blah blah but seriously, what's it going to be, Bernard, more selling for other people or are you FINALLY going sell something of your own, produce a thing and, for chrisake maybe even get laid in the process?

B- half heartedly Erwin's got to you with all his gratuitous breasts-

K- No, you we can do something here tonight, you and I, you do your thing, I'll do mine. Or, maybe you want to go out there and tell EB, Daisy, Cordelia - who I think has a crush on you by the way - and our audience that you. Can't. Hack it?

B- I, look, but-

K- forcefully Indulge Erwin when we go back out. Really let him go to town so that he's ready for a few little things I've been working on. Coz deep down I know he wants to do quality work, there is good in him. I've felt it. Listen, I'll put the next clip on, talk to him about Dolph Lungren.

B- Dolph doesn't take his calls.

K- Never mind, get him started anyway and find out what he is doing next.

B - what are you going to do?

K - you'll see...now go...remember meal ticket..

retreats to his AV box

B - Right.Welcome to the second half folks. I'm so glad you came back. No really Iam. In the interval I've been pondering. Is there any depth at all to erwin J Bruckenheimer? Are his films just - well - his films or is there a more intelligent film maker at work beneath the surface. Way beneath.I intend to find out. And maybe find out - apparently - what he's doing next. So please welcome back erwin,

others follow

B - oh and daisy...and cordelia...hello...oh ricardo the - erm - dancer..

Ricardo - hellloooo berrrrnaaard

B - Choosing to ignore this and lets not forget pyjama boy ninja features in the corner.

long beat

Ladies and gentlemen. Erm. We have a panel.

Everybody applauds themselves

Where were we. Yes before the break we covered sex (nods at daisy) and violence (nods at Bolo) and the marvellous career of Erwin Breckenheimer trails off

Erwin- Cheers. raises glass, Daisy giggles

Bernard - loudly, drunkenly So I think we're done. Thank you everybody.

Everybody - No..

Kevin - you can't finish yet, Bernard. For g-d's sake we've planned...I mean we haven't covered everything.

B- Actually I think we......have.....covered ourselves in shame and this man has proved himself to be purveyor of cheapnes-

Kevin pulls a chair from the back and places it next to Bernard's

K- Yes, thank you Bern-arde, he's a little over excited, Erwin before we throw you open to the floor, we have a few more things we are just burning to ask you, I'm going to finish the interview, whilst Bernie here takes a little breather

B- ladeez and gentleman we appear to have a panel! slumps back sulkily

K- Now Erwin, how about a subject close to your heart

E- Yes

K- I'm talking Guns! Big fuck off guns!

All - huh?

K - Erwin you always make guns look amazing..

E - He's right. I love a good 'piece'

K - it's something we should probably talk about?

E - Absolutely..

From nowhere Kevin dramatically - magician like - reveals an M16.

K - Ladies and gentleman. M16A1 rifle, with the forward assist, "bird cage" flash hider. circa 1967. The most feared assault weapon of the US military. Professional handling of this was mission critical in 'naaam. And now. In the underworld. Countless criminals, terrorists and guerilla's use it to devastating effect. But until now - it has been a man's weapon.

There's a pause - then cordelia stage whispers.

Cordelia- I can't believe your doing this.

Kevin - go on. He'll be impressed.

Cordelia -Erwin.Knowing you like women (she gestures 'me') and guns (She is handed the gun) we - well Kevin thought you'd like to see me..strip (beat) and reassemble an M16 in under four minutes.

Erwin - yeah baby I'd love to see that.

Daisy - (suddenly being serious) I bet you I can do it in two.

Cordelia - You're not serious?

Daisy - sure I am.

Cordelia - this is ridiculous. Who are are you? Kevin asked me to be all action heroine for Erwin - and I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. I mean me? I'm an actress who went on the antiwar march. Not in my name. Bush and blair out out out. An M16? A Challenge? Sorry Kevin. It's just crazy.

Kevin - crazy? It's perfect. A challenge. Two women. Fighting for what they believe in.

Erwin - It's great. It's showbiz. It's. It's -

Bernard - going to end in disaster. Ladies and gentlemen..

Daisy - Are you guys going to keep talking or pass me that piece and watch me work.

Daisy pulls up her skirts unglamorously and squats on the floor soldier like - pointing the M16 down stage.

Daisy - Ready set..

Erwin - go on honey

Kevin - This is amazing

Ricardo - I can't watch

Cordelia - I'm an actress.

Bernard - I'm confused.

Daisy does something very impressive with the gun and finishes with a flourish

Daisy - Just something I picked up. In the movies.

Erwin (to cordelia) - your lucky sweet heart. The OTHER things daisy picked up in the movies would get you arrested.

Cordelia (angry) - look. I'm here because Kevin asked me to be. I'm not comfortable with guns or sexism and I'd like a bit of respect. My life is the theatre. And it's hard - you know - you haven't had to fight to get to the heart of Ibsen.

Daisy - Ibsen? Asshole. Listen when I played Ellida in The Lady from the Sea and I guess Marta in The Pillars I had to do'dreamy yearnings of escape from a dull life', to where 'the sky is wide... clouds rise higher... the air is freer...' Henrik Honey - get a grip...

Cordelia - you played Ibsen?

Daisy - sure - who hasn't - let me see if I can remember a bit more. (she swings her M16 over her shoulder and launches into a monolgue)

Detail - detail - detail

All applaud

Kevin - wow Daisy

Ricardo - I cry. So beautiful.

Bernard - finally - some culture!

Daisy - Thanks.

Cordelia. It was ok.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - Ok it was very good. I had no idea.

Daisy - Oh I was like you once Cordelia. A real actress. Off broadway 1971! I was quite the intellectual. Before I had the stick taken out of my ass.

All Laugh...

Cordelia - Right Pass me that M16. What was it Daisy? Two minutes!

All cheer..

Erwin - This is amazing.

Kevin - It is isn't it.

Ricardo - oh no. Whatta I do? Do I support the boring stiff one or the cheap slutty one?

Bernard - I think we should show a clip.

All - oh no Bernaaard!

Bernard - I'd like to get back to some semblance of an interview. If that's OK. Maybe the ladies could sort this out later...have we time to set up a wrestling ring? Perhaps we could toss in a couple of dwarves - kevin - a clip please.

Kevin - alright. if you must.

Lights up.

An amazing picture of Jean Claude Van Damme is projected on a screen.

The sedate classical music that has been playing abruptly halts.

Three dancers burst in from the back of the stage.

One blonde lady.
One brunette.
One young man with latin features.

A Kaleidoscopic light switches on. Pounding latin american jazz music plays the song Soca Mi Nice by Mongo Santamaria

Elaborate dance sequence.

Kevin Spottesby hurries in.

Kevin is youthful looking and enthusiastic. He wears a hooded top and trainers with the demenour of an IT support worker. He carries a remote control in his hands.

K- Hey hey hey what is going on here?

The male dancer continues dancing on the spot

Ricardo- Latin Jazz club mein! Join in if you liking it?

Kevin points his remote and stops the music, bringing the lights up.
The dancers stop and face him, hands on hips.

K- Guys, guys, ladies, this room is booked I'm afraid.

R- Whaat, cmon Kevin man, the community centre is supposed to be for everyone.

He uses the remote again and another picture appears: this time Dolph Lungren in all his Grecian pomp.

Kevin- Ricardo this is important, I have set up a special night for ALL of us, do I have to spell it out for you-

He beckons towards Dolph

beat

Ricardo- Oh I seee, Ezzzzzzz GAY NIGHT!!!!!!! Bem Bem Bem Maria Maria Bem Bem Bem, Its raining men Halelujah its raining-

Kevin- No, NO NO it is NOT gay night! Nothing against that, love the Birdcage, Top Gun - brilliant but Tonight, tonight it's Film club and we've booked this room until 10.30. Look out there, can't you see: we have an audience, so you'll need to find somewhere else to dance. And hurry up, Bernard will be here in a minute-

Ricardo- Oh Bernardo is coming, I like him. He funny. In his little bow-tie, talking about de artistic filme all the time. How come you're setting up here on your own, he usually in charge?

K- Well exactly, I'm fed up of always being his lackey. Ricardo, Tonight is THE night! I've gone and booked a guest-our first ever!! Yeah, we have a guy coming over from Hollywood-

R- Ohmigod!

K- Calm Ricardo, you know how i've been writing my screenplay

R-Oh-My-God!

K- Ric, you'll hyperventilate, listen, my script is ready, Cordelia will be here to help us act out some great scenes. Tonight we go straight to Hollywood and pitch for our lives!

R- I'll help of course. What is Bernard going to do?

K- He doesn't know, all he has to do is keep our guest here for an interview, I'll take care of the rest. And Tonight he won't get to prattle on ARTHOUSE cinema. That's they'll be no fruit-picking epics from the Ukraine! No more hand-held trailer park weepies from Belgium! and definately: NO Lars Von Trier! In a few minutes, people are going to know Kevin Spottesby as more than just the little guy who puts on DVDs in the background!

R- Girlies, meet in my office, I change outfit, for Kevin's big's night!

K- Alright Ricardo, you can help but you can't be Priscilla again, okay!

R- Ok, Mr De Mille, we iz ready for our Close-ups mother fucker

K- Beckons to dancer, Lulu keep him off the Tequila okay?

Ricardo squeals like a Big Brother contestant

Bernard- Kevin put the DVD on.........what on Earth is going on!!!!!!!?

New scene one. (we might have to to lose the gay dancers sorry)

Kevin enters from the back of the auditorium. Cordelia, Ricardo and Bollo enter behind - ladened with boxes and AV kit.

Kevin - right. we have him for about two hours. Cordelia you'll start by doing the scene, Reg what are you wearing? I said ninja! Ninja Reg. Does that look like a ninja.

Reg - it's my tai kwondo kit Kevin...

Kevin - we might need to tie something round your head - oh and I'll call you bollo - for the rest of the night. And remember no talking. Ricardo - ricardo? Remind me why your here?

Ricardo - I wanna be a star kevin!

Kevin - great. So remember folks - this is our chance. This man has flown over from the big H and he's got a track record of backing any idiot who wants to make a film.

Cordelia - you'll be fine then Kevin.

Kevin - exactly. I mean. You know what I mean. So everything is in place.

Cordelia- what about bernarrd?

Kevin - what about him?

Cordelia - you haven't told him have you?

Kevin - errm..

Bernard enters in a rage.

Continuing..

Cordelia - Ok it was very good. I had no idea.

Daisy - Oh I was like you once Cordelia. A real actress. Off broadway 1971! I was quite the intellectual. Before I had the stick taken out of my ass.

All Laugh...

Cordelia - Right Pass me that M16. What was it Daisy? Two minutes!

All cheer..

Erwin - This is amazing.

Kevin - It is isn't it.

Ricardo - oh no. Whatta I do? Do I support the boring stiff one or the cheap slutty one?

Bernard - I think we should show a clip.

All - oh no Bernaaard!

Bernard - I'd like to get back to some semblance of an interview. If that's OK. Maybe the ladies could sort this out later...have we time to set up a wrestling ring? Perhaps we could toss in a couple of dwarves - kevin - a clip please.

Kevin - alright. if you must.

K - Guns! Big fuck off guns!

All - huh?

K - Erwin you always make guns look amazing..

E - He's right. I love a good 'piece'

K - it's something we should probably talk about?

E - Absolutely..

From nowhere Kevin dramatically - magician like - reveals an M16.

K - Ladies and gentleman. M16A1 rifle, with the forward assist, "bird cage" flash hider. circa 1967. The most feared assault weapon of the US military. Professional handling of this was mission critical in 'naaam. And now. In the underworld. Countless criminals, terrorists and guerilla's use it to devastating effect. But until now - it has been a man's weapon.

There's a pause - then cordelia stage whispers.

Cordelia- I can't believe your doing this.

Kevin - go on. He'll be impressed.

Cordelia -Erwin.Knowing you like women (she gestures 'me') and guns (She is handed the gun) we - well Kevin thought you'd like to see me..strip (beat) and reassemble an M16 in under four minutes.

Erwin - yeah baby I'd love to see that.

Daisy - (suddenly being serious) I bet you I can do it in two.

Cordelia - You're not serious?

Daisy - sure I am.

Cordelia - this is ridiculous. Who are are you? Kevin asked me to be all action heroine for Erwin - and I thought it was the stupidest thing ever. I mean me? I'm an actress who went on the antiwar march. Not in my name. Bush and blair out out out. An M16? A Challenge? Sorry Kevin. It's just crazy.

Kevin - crazy? It's perfect. A challenge. Two women. Fighting for what they believe in.

Erwin - It's great. It's showbiz. It's. It's -

Bernard - going to end in disaster. Ladies and gentlemen..

Daisy - Are you guys going to keep talking or pass me that piece and watch me work.

Daisy pulls up her skirts unglamorously and squats on the floor soldier like - pointing the M16 down stage.

Daisy - Ready set..

Erwin - go on honey

Kevin - This is amazing

Ricardo - I can't watch

Cordelia - I'm an actress.

Bernard - I'm confused.

Daisy does something very impressive with the gun and finishes with a flourish

Daisy - Just something I picked up. In the movies.

Erwin (to cordelia) - your lucky sweet heart. The OTHER things daisy picked up in the movies would get you arrested.

Cordelia (angry) - look. I'm here because Kevin asked me to be. I'm not comfortable with guns or sexism and I'd like a bit of respect. My life is the theatre. And it's hard - you know - you haven't had to fight to get to the heart of Ibsen.

Daisy - Ibsen? Asshole. Listen when I played Ellida in The Lady from the Sea and I guess Marta in The Pillars I had to do'dreamy yearnings of escape from a dull life', to where 'the sky is wide... clouds rise higher... the air is freer...' Henrik Honey - get a grip...

Cordelia - you played Ibsen?

Daisy - sure - who hasn't - let me see if I can remember a bit more. (she swings her M16 over her shoulder and launches into a monolgue)

Detail - detail - detail

All applaud

Kevin - wow Daisy

Ricardo - I cry. So beautiful.

Bernard - finally - some culture!

Daisy - Thanks.

Cordelia. It was ok.

Daisy - ok?

Cordelia - ok it was very good.

Later - and I win a prize for the most left-field reference so far

Cordelia - it's ok for you daisy. you;'ve never had to fight to get to the heart of Ibsen.

Daisy - Ibsen? Don't talk to me about Ibsen. Asshole. When I played Ellida in The Lady from the Sea and I guess Marta in The Pillars I had to do'dreamy yearnings of escape from a dull life', to where 'the sky is wide... clouds rise higher... the air is freer...' you have to fight the play, the director, the audience, everybody - otherwise it's just same old same old about 'women'. Yawn. Jesus Henrik honey? Let it go. All this self sacrificing. Women do more than moan. When I did A Doll's house I played it slapstick. Who wants to see boring woman leaves boring man. And don't even talk to me about Hedda Garbler.

Cordelia. I had no idea..

Daisy - For fucks sake Cordelia - just cause i got a cleavage and act a bit goofy don't mean I'm ain't got the smarts. The reason I wasn't in Erwin's films was cause it might've screwed up my work off-broadway. You know how it is? You don't want the New Yorker to start every review by saying they've seen your tits. You know it;'s funny. I actually think we have more in common than you realise. I have to say I reckon there's a pretty good actress in you. You just need to take that stick out of your ass..

Cordelia - but...

Daisy - don't you see. You have to lighten up. I have a blast with Erwin. Fun? You never heard of fun? And I tell you what. That's what these guys specialise in. Ain't nothing to be ashamed of.

Cordelia - don't you care what people think..

Daisy..fuck no...and you shouldn't niether...tell me something...what are you doing here? Tonight?

Cordelia - Kevin said...

Daisy - Kevin!..oh I get it...you want to impress a guy like him. Do yourself a favour - dress as that tomb raider chick and run about a bit...a bit of action..build up a sweat..

Cordelia - how?

Daisy - star jumps honey. How do you think. Use your imagination.

Cordelia - but

Daisy - you're an actress I know. And you're intelligent and deep and everything means something to you - good - but you won't have half as much fun. Come on.

Cordelia - what?

Daisy - I've got an outfit you can borrow.

Cordelia - your kidding.

Daisy - Why would I kid? I live for myself honey and I know what I'm talking about...come on...