Erwin and Feminism - end of act one

Erwin's big moment - end of act one*

H - Now Erwin, I've come to a point that I've not been looking forward to but
many critics - or indeed fans - would want me to ask you about one aspect in particular of your body of work

E - go on

H - Let's talk about Misogeny

E - I never worked with her. Cynthia Rothrock? She had the best thighs in North America

H - No Erwin, I talking about misogeny; sexism?

E - Sexism?

H - your roles for women aren't -

E - Let me tell you abo -

H - [forceful]no...no...NO....Erwin .....let me finish my question: the characterisation in your movies isn't exactly empowering for women?

E - They're powerful.They are fully weaponised; guns, grenades, ammo belts. What do you mean?

H - Let me ask you this. Do you like your female characters?

E - I love them. My camera makes love to them

H - Not exactly the point I was making. How else can i put this?

E - No no. I get it. I've had this before. Somehow because I make films for guys I'm anti-women, old fashioned dated, a sexist pig. Am I right? That's what you're all thinking? Look at your pretty little faces. But you're wrong see. Even though I'm in the biz, hey blowjobs in the trailer fahgeddaboutit-we've all been there, its almost a union thing, but even so you've misjudged me. I admire women. I 'get' you. Don't think just because I hang out with air headed blondes I'm somehow can't accept intelligent powerful women. Hell I even married a couple of them. Ok those pair of meshiganas can rot in hell with the two houses they screwed out of me - Sorry- but you know I'm not insensitive. Ladies. I can be sweet. I've read Janine Austen, I take my spaniels for walks on the beach. If am naked will you not give me shelter. I want to be loved and not just in the action genre. That's all I want.

H - I'm sure

E - So I get angry when I'm accused of sexism. Angry you hear! But you know what I do with my anger. The rage? With the pain? Do you? Do you think I shout and scream? Do you think I spout my mouth off? No way Shirley. I channel my anger. Channel it. I focus. I pull the negative energy kicking and screaming into my art. I take it all and I make it live! Live as cinematic magic. That's how Erwin sorts out his beefs - oh yes - So what did I do in the 70's? When sexism was all the rage? Everything was Anti-fucking-woman? Yaa-di-daa. I didn't go on a march. I didn't burn any bras. Go on any marches. Christ no. Not me baby.: I sat down and pondered, considered. Listened. Yeah I listened and I put everything into a script. I moulded a narrative that expressed everything I felt about women, and that showed - right up there on the screen - what women can do in our society, in our times. A movie that - hey - maybe even today we might learn something from. Kevin?

Terminator Woman

We appear to be descending into farce - but feels a nice way to add chaos to our story arch..???

Host - We're coming to the end of the first half - Erwin - so now might to be a time to open things up. So Any questions..

A pretty, but little trashy blonde woman in a very noticably low cut top thrusts up her hand..

host - Yes - the - hello - there - yes blonde young lady - in the dainty blouse - your question?

daisy - Hello Erwin. You fuckin' love cheating skin flint douche bag bastard. You ever hitch-hiked back from bucharest huh? ever been abondoned? you small dicked bastard you?

host. Ermm If I can summarise..

Erwin (interrupting) Daisy. Is that you?

Host. You know each other?

Erwin - oh yes. we know each other.

Host. How lovely. So I suspect we'd all like to know if you've hitchhiked from Bucharest ? And i suppose we're all also wondering if you do...indeed...have....a small...oh dear..

Erwin (not listening) Daisy...daisy...daisy...you sexy bitch you..

Daisy..(her anger waning) You utter asshole..

Daisy and Erwin kiss

Erwin (eventually, to host) Is a guy allowed to take a dame for a drink?

Host (flustered) Oh ermm...yes kevin..perhaps you could put on a clip or two?

Erwin - come on (they exit to the theatre bar)

Host - Kevin..?

Kevin - I don't have anything lined up?

Host - wait there (to audience) I have some Lars von trier we might like..(exists)

Kevin - (now sensing the crowd need entertainment) I could show you some real ninja shit if you like?

out of desperation Kevin starts a very amateur display of martial arts

The host returns

H - what do you thiunk your doing?

K - You don't want to sneak up on a guy like that - could get you killed - the old 'one-punch'

H - Nobody's impressed

K - they are

H- let me tell you about people - not everyone is obsessed by violence..

Daisy (off) - I'm going to rip your head off you ape sized piece of shit..

H - I'm terribly sorry ladies and gentlemen - it seems we've been reduced to violence..

Erwin (off) - Not until I've fucked you senseless you sexy minx you..

H - oh god

K - (practicing his 'one-punch') I could get them to be quiet..

H - (losing it) Yes while you're at it - tell you what - take me out. (he takes of his tie) Kevin - do your worst - (ripping his shirt) use your ninja shit - cinema appreciation night is ruined - people came here wanting culture - I've let them down - there's no point - (dropping to his knees) - we've sunk to a new low - kevin - just end it - do it - there's nothing left - knock my 'motherfucking' head off.

Unseen Daisy and Erwin have returned

Erwin - Don't move. I love it. You guys are amazing! (to the host)You. Such real pain. Such passion. (to kevin) And you. A silent killer. In slacks. Do you know what I'm thinking?

BLACK OUT

(I'm winging it now....and it completely blows our realtime plan....but)


Act two.

(a year later)

Daisy, Erwin, Kevin and the Host are sitting on a row of chairs. a press conference?
Above them on the screen is a movie poster - the title 'English Ninja's: More tea vicar"

They've been joined by a PR guy..

PR Guy - questions? yes you.

Journalist 1 - (to the host) Brian - you're were a complete unknown. How did you get the role?

Host - I don't think we need to go over that again do we..

Kevin cocks up

We are in the middle of a scene here. Presenter has asked some personal
questions and Erwin is talking about the loss of his first wife - at great length.


Erwin- Yeah it was not a good time of our lives, so much pain so much, and I can't put it into words............................

SUDDEN BURST OF ACTION ON SCREEN AS KEVIN ACCIDENTALLY PUTS ON A SEQUENCE
FROM "Deadly Takedown*"

Kevin - oh shit, sorry. [pause, uncomfortable silence] You were in pain Erwin.



*genuine movie with action star Jeff Speakman and a "bullet proof cup"

END CLIP - LIGHTS UP

H: Thank you Kevin

K: Pleasure

H: Erwin -

K: That was a korean fighting star?

H: Thanks. Useful info. Erwin -

K: They were meant to be japanese.

H: Yes Kevin - Erwin -

K: Maybe they'd been to Korea to train I suppose.

H: (pointedly) Erwin - moving on from the technology -

K: Bit of a cock up though.

E: (to kevin) Have you ever shot a goddamn movie! Six week shoot with only four weeks money? In Bucharest? With a no name star and your ass against the wall? Have you. The last thing on my mind is which goddamn country the plastic props are from. Throw them. Death. Move on. You know. You don't know? Do you? Not a clue.

Kevin: I know about ninja's. I know their ways. (scary look in his eyes)

H: So Erwin, tell us about that scene.

END CLIP - LIGHTS UP

H: Thank you Kevin

K: Pleasure

H: Erwin -

K: That was lit using a K500 shortbox cannon.(??)

H: Thanks. Useful info. Erwin -

K: Old though.

H: Yes Kevin - Erwin -

K: Common in eastern europe

H: (pointedly) Erwin - moving on from the technology -

K: Dirt cheap.

E: (to kevin) Have you ever shot a goddamn movie! Six week shoot with only four weeks money? In Bucharest? With a no name star and your ass against the wall? Have you. The k500 is a great fucking light. Turn it on and bing. Turn it off. Move on. You know. Did you do this lighting? (referring to the stage) Shit. Shit. Shit.

H: So Erwin, tell us about that scene.

Moviebiz

P- So after your first hit in the business did you set a production office
in Los Angeles and set up home in Beverly Hills?

E- Bucharest. We bought the biggest studio space we could get so that if we needed Tanks or Harrier Jump Jets or you know if we wanted to rebuild ancient Jerusalem- we had some room.

P- Is it hard to attract Hollywood's biggest stars to Romania?


E- Well, we got Steven Seagal out there. He fuckin' loves it, he thinks he's on Safari. He usually brings between 10 and 20 women with him - what do they call it: entourage.

P- Doesn't that cause any issues on set?

E- Well, it's bit like a circus and I'm the ringmaster. Once he brought an African princess onto "Executive Disruption". She was lovely but what could I say to her, you can't talk about dailies with an African princess.

P- Right. OKAY. So I want to talk about genre.

E- -I don't do French movies. Once had a date take me to Cyrille de Bergerac: I had to piss six times during the film. If you pass water more than once during a motion picture it's a strike-out: I think David Lean said that.

P- But there's more to cinema that just action and fighting?


E- -I'm sorry

P- Don't you ever get fed up of big explosions and actors that can only deliver one line at a time?

E- Actually the Lungren can deliver three or four lines of dialogue without having to go back to the hotel. And I've seen him deliver a monologue in Russian, during a torture sequence!

p- Erwin, I want to press you on this: looking through your catalogue, you've produced 34 films, including the Chinese Burn franchise, Knife Wounds 1-8, The Hand that rocks the blowtorch, the Samurai Tequila trilogy, don't you EVER fancy a change of pace?


E- Erm, you English are cute. Bet you went to Eton huh


P- No, er

E- Anyway, let me tell you this, I have produced 34 flicks and I'm proud of all of them. If you don't get Scarlet Johanssen boning some dude in a jumpsuit you gotta have action. Michael Bay has that written above his door.

P- ....


E- but having said that two years ago I was approached by a new producer who had his own writer attached to a couple of scripts and we decided on a change of direction. We wanted comedy with a dash a romance.

P- And you agreed to produce a film like this?

E- We yes. I'm not a robot you know, I love the classics. Sleepless in Seatle, Jersey Girl, I was blown away. Literally. Anyway so we made sure my normal writer, Mervin Schlemme had input on the first draft and we worked on it and crafted it.

P- And you didn't cast any of your regulars?

E- No, but at one point JC was going to play a Supreme court judge.

P- What Jim Caviezel from The Passion of the Christ?

E- No, Jean Claude. Van dammage.

P- Anyway, we went with a cast of unknowns and by the time we were ready to film it became much more of a ensemble piece - after rehearsal. We had some great sets too but I'm afraid to say our funding collapsed and the money men pulled the plug on the second day of the shoot.

E- What was it going to be called?

P- Inappropriate Ninjas.

Deadpan Kevin gag? Think Kevin getting the host into trouble is a nice double act dynamic - that could ultimately end up with kevin in trouble with Ninjas...

Erwin (looking at the screen) Fine figure of a man.

Host: oh yes

Erwin: (to kevin) Makes you proud to be male doesn't it Kevin! Phroooor!

Kevin: I'm not gay.

Erwin: (not really listening) Good old fashioned masculine entertainment. Muscle ripping, oiled up, butt-crunching action!

Kevin: Not gay here. No gayness in this corner.

Host: Thank you Kevin. It is an interesting point though. Erwin. There's an element of homoeroticness to it all isn't there.

Erwin: Homo what? Are you calling me a fag?

Host: God no.

Kevin. I think he is! It is all a bit you know oo-err isn't it. Shaved heads?

Host: Military dress?

Erwin: (bit lost) They're in the friggin' US Navy! for god's sake.

(beat)

Kevin: Oh Right. My mistake.

The end?

Normally mild mannered kevin is stripped to the waist. His tie is round his forehead and there are stripes of camouflage paint under his eyes. He'd look like Arnie in Commando if he didn't have the physique of Mr muscle. Like the commando audience our audience will be awed by the action unravelling before them. Who will die and how? (possibly why - but that's not the point) Kevin is a man on the edge. Whatever has occurred over the last hour and a half has made Kevin the unwitting star of his own Z-movie - and it's about to come to an end. An end that might possibly involve the beautifully crafted silent killing machine of a ninja sword he's holding to our hosts neck. After a pause he swirls the sword in a flourish that Erwin might describe as 'that ninja shit'

Kevin: (whispering menacingly as all bad actors do at some point in these things) Sianara Motherfuker.

Erwin: (to the host) You see my boy. This! This is action cinema!

Black out.

cont.

Erwin -You remember the great directors strike of 77?

Presenter - not entirely

Erwin - Tullulah Borgstein with the (mimes an impressive chest)?

Presenter -Nope.

Erwin- The incident with Sacramento fire department?

Presenter- Sorry.

Erwin -The Mayor?

Presenter -This could go on forever. I think it's safe to say we don't know very much about you. Why don't you start for the very beginning. Perhaps our first clip would help. This is from your debut film I understand.

Erwin - Really? You found that?

Presenter - Yes Kevin found it on Ebay

Erwin - That auction site. Listen never mind how much it was after the bidding. [beat] How much was it?

Presenter - 99 cents but

Erwin - Like I said never mind. It was hard enough to that movie financed: don't forget we didn't have the Sundance Festival in those days. Where was Robert Redford when we were donating sperm and receiving electric shocks in Bulgaria? I just really wanted get what I'd imagined on paper to the silver screen.

Presenter - and the title

Erwin - Samurai Acropolis. It was actually our Greek caterer who came up with that.

Presenter - okay, Kevin.......

A wobbly powerpoint slide introduces the evening.

THE UNIVERSITY OF EAST LONDON COLLEGE OF MEDIA (&FILM)

CINEPHILE DISCUSSION CLUB

PRESENTS

Erwin J. Breckenhauser
A Filmmaker revealed.

A terribly middle class mature student in compulsory tweeds bounds onto the stage beaming. Standing between two chairs he is our host.

Good evening ladies, gents and erm...ladies and gents.

Welcome to A Filmmaker revealed. Now, many of you will have been expecting "Lars Von Trier: humour and perversity in Denmark" Er.....I'm afraid the dvds didn't arrive so we er, we are going introduce a real filmmaker with much to share about his exploits on celluloid.

He's flown over from Romania to be here: We're honoured to introduce Erwin J. Breckenhauser this evening who'll to be musing over his life, career, and unique output.
Erwin has called himself the King of [reading from notes] mid-budget, high-octane pan-European Adrenaline cinema. Over thirty years he has worked with the best, he's a two-time 'Golden Shepherd' nominee at the O0stend Film Festival, and a much commented on former BAFTA er.....member.

We'll be showing - if Kevin has worked out how the dvd player this month - clips from some of his best work. So everyone without further to do, lets bring out....


Erwin J. Breckenhauser!!!

EJB springs on stage - stylishly but over elaborately dressed - with cigar - and two bottles containing what appears to be water.

Erwin - Hi Hi Everyone, great to be amount the fans again.
Host [looks sheepish] Fans (beat)Welcome Erwin. Maybe some of our audience - sorry - might not be too familiar with your work.
Erwin - oh right
Host - they'll like it.
Erwin - I'm sure this crowd will. Everybody loves 'em. Something comes outta people after they see my movies, not like they - you know - crap themselves but....

Host - Yes. Quite. Thanks. Perhaps you could start by giving a bit of background to your ouvre -
Erwin - ouvre?
Host - your works, your style, what genre do you inhabit?
Erwin - my kinda movies?
Host. Yes.
Erwin - I should tell them?
Host - Yes. Like you'll have done in other interviews before [sheepish look]- you've done these before right.
Erwin - not exactly...so, My movies. Okay well you know Hollywood right?
Host - yes.
Erwin - you know a suburb called Brentwood, it's kind of lively but a bit dangerous, on the outskirts of town. Not sure if it actually counts as hollywood. You know.
Host - right
Erwin - that suburb is my kind of movie.
Host - errm
Erwin - I'll paint you a picture, you can close you eyes if you want: you know the red carpet set up. Premiers. Nominee-this, academy award winner that, a lot of boob tape - classy shit.
Host - yes I've
Erwin - (interrupting )get that right out of your head. You know Stallone.
Host - I[ve seen
Erwin (interrupting) Forget him. Frank Stallone was like a brother to my second cousin but now they are BOTH dead to me.
Host - ok
Nathaniel - Dolph Lungren
Host - errm
Nathanial - He won't take my calls but -
Host - I'm still
Nathaniel - okay you're in the video store?
Host - OK
Erwin - none of your classic rentals are in; Tremors 2, Punisher, Driving Miss Daisy.
Host - Right
Erwin - there's an action movie you've never heard of with a guy who looks like Steven Seagal before he became a fat fuck..
Host - Ok
Erwin - about subhumanoids from the wrong side of the tracks
Host - right
Erwin - with actors you've never heard of who look familiar on the back of the box.
Host - yes. Yes I think-
Erwin - so you know it's ain't shakespeare, but you just want some bang for you buck, and some definate thrills (beat) you know what-screw that. We're still not there.
Host - oh.
Nathaniel - You're in a Hotel room - watching cable but you don't order the porno as your on business, the one channel you can watch that has decent bone crunching action with explosions every 7.5 minutes, with dubbing into Spanish.
Host. That it?
Erwin. Yeah I don't know about my ouvre. That's my shit.

(beat)

Host. Okay Interesting. Well its good contrast from last weeks Fellini disputation. Tell us how you first got into Films?

Erwin- Entirely by accident! You probably don't remember the directors strike of '77....

A wobbly powerpoint slide introduces the evening.

THE UNIVERSITY OF EAST LONDON COLLEGE OF MEDIA (&FILM)

FILM DISCUSSION CLUB

PRESENT

Sianara MotherFucker
A life in Z movies.

A terribly middle class mature student in compulsary tweed bounds onto the stage beaming. Standing between two chairs he is our host.

Good evening ladies, gents and erm...ladies and gents.

Welcome to Sianara Mother Fucker...oh gosh there's nobody under 18 here is there. I mean sorry. But we're rock and roll here. No boundaries. Bring it on. Yo. Anyhow.

Welcome. We're honoured to introduce Nathaniel J something the 3rd this evening who'll to be talking about his life, career, and ouvre. He is the self proclaimed king of the z movie. thirty years in made for rental action movies....(detail)

We'll be showing - if Kevin has worked out how the dvd player works - clips from some of his best work. But lets bring make Nathaniel (?) feel very welcome.


Nathanial J something the 3rd springs on stage - stlyishly dressed - cigar - very out of place here.

Nathanial - Hi Hi Fans.
Host - Fans (beat)is probably pushing it - sorry - they might not be too familiar with your work.
Nathanial - oh
Host - they'll like it
Nathanial - they will? They will. Everybody fucking loves it. Every - fucking - body
Host - Quite. Perhaps you could start by giving a bit of background to your ouvre in a bit more detail
Nathanial - ouvre?
Host - your works, your style, your genre.
Nathanial - my kinda movies?
Host. Yes.
Nathaniel - you want me to tell them?
Host - yes. Have you done this kind of thing before.
Nathaniel - not exactly like this no. My movies. Right well you know hollywood?
Host - yes.
Nathaniel - you know a little suburb called (xyz)it's kind of cheap, on the outskirts of town. Not sure if it actually counts as hollywood. You know.
Host - right
Nathaniel - that suburb is my kind of movie.
Host - errm
Nathanial - you know the red carpet set up. Premiers. Real like class shit.
Host - yes I've
Nathaniel - (interrupting )get that out of your head. You know Stallone.
Host - I[ve seen
Nathaniel (interrupting) Forget him. And everything he's ever done. he is dead to me.
Host - ok
Nathaniel - Dolph Lungren
Host - errm
Nathanial - I long to work with him.
Host - Im still
Nathaniel - you're in the video store?
Host - OK
Nathaniel - none of the movies you wanna watch are in.
Host - Right
Nathaniel - there's an action movie you've never heard of..
Host - Ok
Nathniel - about alien androids
Host - right
Nathaniel - with actors with exotic names you've never heard of.
Host - yes. yes
Nathaniel - so you reach out - you know it's ain't shakespeare, but you don't care, you just want a movie (beat) screw that. We're still not there.
Host - oh.
Nathaniel - cable tv. hotel room - business gig. no porn. only one english speaking channel.
Host. That it?
Nathaniel. Yeah That's it.