Side note

I didn't mention it because more important things were going on, but yesterday there
was a "film workshop" at the Rex Cinema where a "Cineaste" led a discussion of a "Lars Von Trier" film.

It was called Filmosophy!

This tells me that we have to finish.

Johnny

and we're back

Bernard - Welcome back Ladies and gentlemen. As you can see we appear to have a panel....right...Kevin, perhaps you'd like to comment on preceedings so for?

Kevin. (hesitantly) Oh. Yeah. Sound. Well, Thank you for staying. You are the best
crowd we've ever had, you know, staying after the coffee break and all-


Bernard - Yes, thank you Kevin! Moving swiftly on. Anyone else? Ricardo? You must have some observation for us?

Ricardo- Yes. Yes. I do thank you. thumbs up

Bernard- Would you like to share it with the panel?

Ricardo- What you mean?

Cordelia - Frustrated) Oh forchrisake. Erwin!

Erwin - Hey Bubula!

Cordelia. piping up I'm sure we're all wondering what inspires you?

Everyone- yes, yes, we do.

Erwin. - Inspiration? Inspi, Inspa, sometimes I think of Jamie Lee Curtis aerobisizing in that movie Perfect (pauses to imagine) and okay: that takes me to a wrong place, but where do I get my fresh ideas? I dunno, I might be rollerblading, playing chess, er coaching soccer - you see I am a man of impulse but I keep a writing pad next to me at ALL TIMES, you never know what's gonna trigger that little spark in my head, when that happens I have to get it down quick, otherwise you lose the genius.

Barnard- I think we understand and it appears we have a clip that illustrates the random nature of your work perfectly.

Erwin - cool.

Bernard. Great news. Would you like me to set the scene?

Erwin - What are you showing them Bernie?

Bernard moves across and whispers in his ear

Erwin - Oh, Ohhhhhh my word, people always ask me about this movie, especially Canadians for some reason, I say to them; don't you have enough problems? Anyway, it, it speaks for itself-

Kevin- Yes it's really some of your most amazing work

Erwin- thank you

Bernard- go on then....


Chuck morphing into a bear clip

Kevin - You see. What I like here is that at no point did you think:
We have Chuck Norris and now we are going to turn him into him into a grizzly bear. Chuck's hardcore fans are not exactly known for their manners are they? I mean they've been known to hurt people, randomly?

Bernard- Yes. Okay Kevin, wait you can say your bit in a second. Erwin, what we are probing at is: there doesn't seem to be any level of contemplation here, it just doesn't feature in your filmmaking does it?

Erwin. Hell no, and I think that's what makes me the guy I am today. Go out there and do it, pick up the bill later.

Cordelia - I'm sure we'd all agree. What's more. You're not the only one. Now...Kevin shares your enthusiasm for going out there and getting it on screen, guerilla style, don't you Kevin?

Kevin. (now pissed off) Well I suppose so. I mean I do, yes. I do.

Bernard - Excellent. C'mon Kevin. Do share.

Kevin. Erwin. I have a creative dream I guess.

Erwin - hallejuah. Don't guess my brother.

Kevin - I'm sorry?

Erwin - hallejuah. My brother. Your dream?

Kevin - ermm

Erwin. You can't be shy in showbusiness son.

Kevin. Well it's just..

Erwin. What, c'mon spit it out?

Kevin - I don't know if it's good enough. There. I said it.

Erwin- Kevin, listen to me now and listen good: You have to back yourself in this world and this business, I hawked my first flick, Leningrad Takedown to every producer in town. Every one of them told me to go home, told me my idea was the biggest load of bullshit they'd ever seen! One Exec was laughing so hard he nearly had a heart attack and the nurse had to come with oxygen and a big sponge. But Erwin kept going. Eventually got my seed money from an adult entertainment producer going straight and the rest as they say....

Kevin- I know, look forget it, lets put another clip on..


Bernard & Cordelia. Kevin!

Kevin - erm. Okay everybody, Ninja Party III: The Domination.

Cordelia - Kevin!

Kevin - It's genius, it really is.

(the clip starts. We see a short clip before the screen goes to snow. Bernard looks triumphant holding the business end of a coaxial cable.)

(beat)

Erwin - What the -

Bernard - Sorry. Instead of another clip, I think its time we moved on, I want to ask you about the future. What's next for you?

Erwin - I dunno...everything is sequels now. And it's actually really difficult to find old TV shows that haven't been remade. Like what's left, Goldengirls?

Ricardo- Thank you for being a frien', going round the worlde and back a-gain-

Bernard- Brilliant. Thank. You.

Cordelia - Erwin, where do your find talent?

Erwin - Talent finds me! It's not like the old days where you go to bars or you might meet someone at the gym. Nowadays, everyone is in bed by 10:15, but I see people in Temple, sometimes people walking their dogs, dog walking is huge you know: you can really tell if an actor is good with props the way they handle a poodle.

Bernard - ha ha you're kidding..

Erwin - actually no, dogs are huge in LA, I mean small dogs are huge, if you er know what I mean!

Bernard (interrupting) - Ha, Okay but away from that; we've noticed that new writers don't feature highly in your work Erwin - is there a reason for that?
You are not known for recognising new talent, which is a surprise perhaps?

Erwin - ah yes, you might think so but its so difficult to find people on my wavelength that I can trust

Bernard - yes tricky (looks around the stage)...Anybody with any ideas on the panel?

Ricardo - I'm a little bit lost to be honest with you, so no.

Cordelia - not me I'm afraid.

Kevin - OK. Erwin, as I was trying to say before. We could, I mean - what if we had new talent right here and now. How you would react if we turned this into a pitch meeting but went even further.

Long beat

Erwin - you guys are crazier than Lars Von Whotssit. Right Here?

Bernard - why not?

Cordelia - yes. why not? Kevin?

Kevin - Erwin - I've got a finished script. I've been perfecting it for 4 years. It's got everything: a motorbike chase, ninjas, a third act denew-ment involving impalement on a big spike! Everything.



Erwin - woah there sunshine. is that why you got me here?

Kevin - Erm. I'm a huge fan. Mr Bruckenheimer,

Erwin - did you guys know about all this?

All - yes..

Ricardo - I thought it was gay night.

(Bolo comes to front of the stage)

Kevin -Erwin - Let me set the scene. Bollo is our action star. We’re very excited about him. Action, mayhem and assassination. Bolo is your man. What yesterday's heroes could only hint at, he can do with his bare hands. Watch this.

A clip of Bolo - complete with whip pans and dubbing

Erwin - You guys get better and better...

Bernard - dubbed kevin?

Kevin - he doesn't speak english..

Bernard - but I heard

Kevin - He doesn't speak english - plus he's a silent assassin,Ricardo - he not that hard - he just keek and punch..

Kevin - Not that hard? Ricardo! He does tai chi and shit..he can mess with your internal organs...rip your heart out...Cordelia - are you sure about this kevin..?

Kevin - yes. he's incredible. Pass me that chair..Erwin, perhaps you'd like to hit Bolo in the face.

Erwin - ermm

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant from Mile End. Please don't hit me! I dont know any martial arts.

Kevin - but Bolo -

Bollo - Nobody's died after tai chi, kevin.

Ricardo - tai chi is lovely and pretty. Everyone does it: Madonna, Geri Spice, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bollo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's a fucking ninja ok?

Erwin - Jesus dude. Relax.

Kevin – I’m sorry..(Long beat where everybody looks uncomfortable) I just want to pitch my movie.

Erwin - well you've certainly made an impression kid.

Bernard - I'm sorry Mr Bruckenheimer if you feel you've been duped.

Erwin - Not at all. So you do what you have to do. Kid I'm impressed, but you got to work on your pitch. Remember you got a few seconds to impress. What's your lift pitch?

Kevin - lift pitch?

Erwin - Nobody's told you about your lift pitch? I'm the money - right - and you get yourself next to me in the lift. You have one floor - one minute - to pitch you me your movie idea. You ready.

Kevin - It's erm, about ninja's but with a heart you know and it's got violence and sex and

Erwin - Ping. 19th floor. All I heard was ninja's. Yawn.

Kevin - shit.

Bernard - Ladies and gentlemen. We appear to have a panel....ermm...right...Kevin, perhaps you'd like to comment on things so for.

Kevin. (hesitantly) Yes. I would. I would. Yes. I think it's been erm great.So for.

(pause)

Bernard - good, good. Thanks kevin. Anyone else? Ricardo? You probably have something interesting to say?

Ricardo. Yes.Yes.I do thankyou.

Bernard Would you like to share it with the panel?

Ricardo - What you mean?

Cordelia - Frustrated) Oh forgoodness sake. Erwin.

Erwin - Hi

Cordelia. I'm sure we're all wondering what inspires you?

Everyone yes, yes, we do.

Erwin. - Inspiration? Yes. Well some people look at the world and say why? I look at it and say why the fuck not? Once I get an idea in my head. And they just pop in there. Kazam. Wham. Bam. You know. There's no stopping me. It could be anything. An image. Anything. Whatever. Just in there. The old imagination. And then there's no stopping me. I just go for it. I don't waste time asking questions or ana- fucking-lysing. I get inspired and it's like. 'make it so'

Kevin - Oh. Hang on. I, well we have a clip that I think shows that attitude perfectly.

Erwin - cool.

Bernard. Great news. Would you like to set the scene?

Kevin - No. No. I think it speaks for itself. Erwin. I think this sequence is you at your best. Just getting an idea and going for it and not letting anything, anything at all get in the way.

Chuck morphing into a bear clip

Kevin - You see. What I like about that clip is at no point did you think. Turning chuck norris into a bear. That might look a bit ridiculous.

Bernard- Yes. Erwin. That kind of thinking doesn't seem to feature in your filmmaking does it?

Erwin. Hell no and I thinks that's what makes me the guy I am today.

Cordelia - I'm sure we'd all agree. What's more. kevin, don't you share Erwin's passion for bringing those special moments to the screen?

Kevin. (hesitantly) I guess I do. I mean I do, yes. I do.

Bernard - That's great. Kevin. Do share.

Kevin. Erwin. I have a dream.

Erwin - hallejuah. My brother.

Kevin - I'm sorry?

Erwin - hallejuah. My brother. Your dream? Kiddo.

Kevin - ermm

Erwin. You can't be shy about your dream.

Kevin. Well it's just..

Erwin. Is it about a chick? Don't tell me. Cordelia here has a twin sister? And you've been dreaming about -

Kevin - No. Of course not. I've never. I mean. Cordelia hasn't got a twin sister. That's not. I mean. Oh god. Erwin. I kind of want. To be a film. Well. I've always wanted to. Well the thing is. Why don't I show another clip?


Bernard & Cordelia. Kevin!

Kevin - erm. Let me put on the Ninja's on rollerskates.

Cordelia - Kevin!

Kevin - It's a work of genius.

(the clip starts. We see a short clip before the screen goes to snow. Bernard looks triumphant holding the business end of a coaxial cable.)

(beat)

Erwin - What the -

Bernard - Sorry. It's just rather than show a clip I think we need to move the discussion onto the future. What's next?

Erwin - The future? I dunno...same old shit probably..

Cordelia - where do your find talent?

Erwin - I hang it in bars and clubs..hit on waitresses...look out for the guys who've worked out

Bernard - ha ha you're kidding..

Erwin - kidding? - why would I

Bernard (interrupting) - New writers don't feature highly in your work Erwin - is there a reason for that - i'd have thought fresh new writers would be right up your street.

Erwin - ah yes, so you'd have thought, but can I meet any. ..

Bernard - yes tricky...I wonder if anyone on the panel has any ideas?

Ricardo - I have no clue what's going on.

Cordelia - not me I'm afraid.

Kevin - OK. OK. We could - I mean - Erwin how would you react if there was a new writer here. tonight. with a script to pitch.

Long beat

Erwin - you guys are crazy. Here?

Bernard - why not?

Cordelie - yes. why not? Kevin?

Kevin - Erwin - we are crazy. I've got a script. It's amazing. It's got ninja's, hero's, heroines, violence, sex, sex and violence, but a heart you know. Did I mention ninjas? What else? There's this scene. Bollo come here?

Erwin - woah there sunshine. is that why you got me here?

Kevin - Erm. I'm a huge fan. Mr Bruckenheimer,

Erwin - did you guys know about all this?

All - yes..

Ricardo - I thought it was gay night.

(bollo comes to front of the stage)

Kevin -Erwin - Let me set the scene. Bollo is our action star. We’re very excited about him. Action, mayhem and assassination. Bolo is your man. What yesterday's heroes could only hint at, he can do with his bare hands. Watch this.

A clip of Bolo - complete with whip pans and dubbing

Erwin - You guys get better and better...

Bernard - dubbed kevin?

Kevin - he doesn't speak english..

Bernard - but I heard

Kevin - He doesn't speak english - plus he's a silent assassinRicardo - he not that hard - he just keek and punch..

Kevin - Not that hard? Ricardo! He does tai chi and shit..he can mess with your internal organs...rip your heart out...Cordelia - are you sure about this kevin..?

Kevin - yes. he's incredible. Pass me that chair..Erwin, perhaps you'd like to hit Bolo in the face.

Erwin - ermm

Kevin - Bernard?

Bernard - You're not serious.

Kevin - Ricardo?

Ricardo - Eeek

Cordelia - oh give it here..

Bolo- Ok, stop, stop, enough. Don't hit me! I'm not a Ninja, I'm an accounts assistant. I go to evening classes. I drive a 2cv. Please don't hit me. I don;t know any martial arts.

Kevin - but Bolo -

Bollo - Nobody's died because of tai chi, kevin.

Ricardo - tai chi is lovely and pretty kevin. Everyone does it. Madonna, Spicey Geri, the girl with the face like a plate...

Frustrated Kevin picks up a chair and smashes it over Bollo's head. It's balsa wood.

Kevin - there..he's a fucking ninja ok?

Erwin - Jesus dude. Relax.

Kevin – I’m sorry..(Long beat where everybody looks uncomfortable) I just want to pitch my movie.

Erwin - well you've certainly made an impression kid.

Bernard - I'm sorry Mr Bruckenheimer if you feel you've been duped.

Erwin - Not at all. I remember sneaking into a dressed as harvey keitel's wardrobe mistress just to have twenty seconds with the money, poor woman nobody spotted me till I opened my big mouth. How was I to know she was Latvian. So you do what you have to do. Kid I'm impressed, but you got to work on your pitch. Hitting your action hero over the head with a chair. I've done that more times than I've have hot tabasco. Kid. Remember you got a few seconds to impress. What's your lift pitch?

Kevin - lift pitch?

Erwin - Nobody's told you about your lift pitch? I'm the money - right - and you get yourself next to me in the lift. You have one floor - one minute - to pitch you me your movie idea. You ready.

Kevin - It's erm, about ninja's but with a heart you know and it's got violence and sex and

Erwin - Ping. 19th floor. All I heard was ninja's. Yawn.

Kevin - shit.

Slide show

Kevin- This film is not just an epic tribute to the Ninja but
it answers the big environmental questions...
...turns out the world chose the wrong man to lead the way

Slide: Picture of Al Gore

No, what we need is a man of Action not words:

Slide: Picture of Steven Seagal cuddling a panda


That's right, Steven Seagal, he's gotta a small carbon footprint but a MASSIVE Fist!

Act two finale building

Kevin gets to pitch his great film to Erwin
and he does it by using a slide-show with helpful pictures.

Only at least one of the pictures will be a holiday snap left in by mistake.

Another one will the Steven Seagal Panda picture for a throwaway line about Environmentalism.

Maybe also his pitch includes "live" acted bits from Cordelia and Ricardo, with miming from Bolo.

I also seem to be obssessed with Beaches. We could have Ricardo singing
"Did ewe ever dat your my hero, every ting I wanted to be, C'MON BOLO PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR."

Cordelia in a red wig as Bette Midler?

"Tonight Hollywood is coming to us and we're going to pitch for our lives!"

Preston Sturges' Eleven Rules For Box Office Appeal:

A pretty girl is better than an ugly one.
A leg is better than an arm.
A bedroom is better than a living room.
An arrival is better than a departure.
A birth is better than a death.
A chase is better than a chat.
A dog is better than a landscape.
A kitten is better than a dog.
A baby is better than a kitten.
A kiss is better than a baby.
A pratfall is better than anything